Thursday, November 20, 2008

Musical Chairs

All hell broke loose at Hooters Restaurant in Dothan this Friday. A not so friendly game of musical chairs turned ugly quickly. Whimlady and Chig were all set to begin their game when a large blue Toyota pickup crashed through the front door. RehobethRebel jumped out of the truck brandishing a large King James Version of the Holy Bible and began calling everyone sinners. A Hooters waitress attempted to ask RehobethRebel to leave, but he knocked her up side the head with the bible. He was jumped by several other Hooters waitresses.
In the confusion Whimlady tried to reach the musical chair by kicking Chig in the groin. She screamed in agony. Chig reached into his wrestling trunks, although wrestling trunks were not mandatory, he just thought they made his butt look good, and pulled out an extra large cowbell. Chig slammed the cowbell on Whim’s head and began beating on it with a drum stick.
Guest referee Dishwater was overcome with laughter by all of the events. When his back was turned, the other guest referee CCDollar stole a handful of his chicken wings and began nibbling on them. Dishwater caught the thievery out of the corner of his eye, turned and kicked CCDollar in the groin. This made CCDollar spew the contents of his mouth in Dishwater’s face, blinding him. Dishwater felt for a bottle of wing sauce on the bar and squirted it at CCDollar. CCDollar pulled a waitress in front of him to block the sauce, which covered her heaving bosom. She turned and kicked CCDollar in the groin.
Csolo ran to the waitress and attempted to clean her by wiping a chicken wing through her cleavage and sucking the sauce from the wing. She smiled at Csolo and he had another heart attack.
Suddenly a shot rang out. Everyone turned to see Sheriff Quilla with a gun. She announced that she was locking the place down and told everyone to behave. WiregrassLive members are no longer allowed at Hooters Restaurant.

Monday, September 15, 2008

How To Build A Sofa Table

With a few simple tools you can build your own dining room table or sofa table. Below are pictures of a sofa table I built last week. The same method applies to making a large farm table, but with extra cross members in the frame. All of this can be built with only a skill/circular saw and a hammer and nails. I have a table saw and miter saw, which make cutting straight lines very easy.

First thing to do is figure what size you want your table to be and if it needs to be an exact width. I recently made three farm tables 3’ x 8’. However the three top boards were 1x12, which means they are actually ¾” x 11-1/2”, my table was actually 34-1/2” wide instead of 36”. Not a problem for my client. Also, the legs for this table were 2x4. For large tables I use 4x4s tapered down.

For the table pictured the boards I started with were 1x12, but I only wanted the sofa table to be 16” wide so I ripped the boards down to 8” wide and used the remaining 3.5” as the frame. The lumber used for this project was:
2 – 1x8 @ 48”
2 – 1x4 @ 44”
3 – 1x4 @ 10-1/2”
4 – 2x4 @ 29” tapered down to 2x3

With my table top at 16” x 48” I figured the frame to be 2” smaller all around. I cut the boards to length and prepared to assemble them. I was using a hammer and #10 x 3” nails for this project. You should always predrill nail holes to prevent the wood from splitting.

I nailed the frame together then placed the top boards on the frame measuring 2” all around. Then I nailed the top boards in place. Afterward, I flipped it upside down on my worktable and nailed the legs on.
Our client wanted an antiqued rough looking table so I beat on the boards with a hammer and garden tool then scraped it with an awl.

The frame and legs were painted with a green latex paint. After the paint dried overnight, the painted areas were lightly sanded to remove some of the paint, but not all of it. Then the entire table was hand wiped with stain. The stain gives the painted areas an antiqued look and helps bring out the wood underneath. The table can be finished off with a clear coat of hand rubbed polyurethane or Orange Oil.

As you can see from the pictures this was all made on a little table in my back yard. It was started late one afternoon and finished quickly the next morning.

Monday, August 18, 2008

Nursing the Baby

We had empty nest syndrome but did not know it until Mitchell’s friend adopted a kitten for us. I came home from work to find Kit and Renee talking to Kay, a little gray fluffy kitten bounding around the house. It didn’t take long to come up with a name, Mr. Hedley, his head and ears seemed so large for his little body.

The next day he was sneezing and sleeping a lot. Kay took him to the vet, we found out he was very sick. Dr. McCoy gave Hedley antibiotics and prescribed lots of bed rest. His short life had been tough so far. He was part of a litter left in a box outside the pound where all of his siblings died. Hedley was then neutered too early in life, poor thing. We gave him goat’s milk and wet cat food. He spent the next few days curled up on Kay’s chest sleeping. She held him and loved him, hoping he would be okay. After a week his fever broke and he seemed to be feeling much better. During his illness he lost his voice and it never came back as strong as it was.

Hedley’s body finally grew to match the size of his head and now he is a rambunctious teenager. As I look at my hand it is covered with small scratches. We play and wrestle a lot. My hand and foot bear the scars from his attacks. Kay doesn’t allow him to bite her and he knows it. While he is in full attack mode, both paws wrapped around my fist while biting and kicking with his back legs, she puts her hand in his face and he only smells her. I return my hand, full attack mode once again. At times he will stand on his hind legs and attack my calf, other times flipping on his back so his hands and feet a free to wrap around my foot, it tickles more than anything.

His favorite thing is a napkin or paper towel rolled into a ball. From a dead sleep he will wake to the sound of a paper towel wadding to be thrown. His favorite activity is fetching the napkin. While we sit in bed watching TV we throw the napkin; he dives off the bed and brings it back to us, over and over. After he tires, he lies against my legs and falls asleep. Sometimes we wake up with him between us fully laid out on his back. He loves to be near us.

Now when Kay is sick it is his turn to take care of her. He knows something is wrong with her and cuddles up close to keep her warm. The only time he lays on or against her is when she is in bed sick. He is laying with her today, taking care of her, sipping her water when she isn’t looking, gently touching her with his little paw as if to say “There, there, do you have a fever and chills, I will lay here and take care of you now. Thank you for loving me.”

Wednesday, August 13, 2008

Wilson House Bed and Breakfast

On your next visit to Pinckard, stop by The Wilson House Bed & Breakfast. Located on Highway 134, in the heart of downtown Pinckard, this quaint singlewide mobile home provides the finest of country living amenities.

Ronald and Lurleen Wilson welcomed me to their home upon handing over $50 for one night’s stay. I parked my car beside the Oldsmobile Cutlass Supreme on blocks in the front yard, which doubles as a doghouse. I immediately felt welcomed by the dogs when they proceeded to urinate on my tires. One of the younger dogs, I believe his name was Z71, really laid out the welcome mat by humping my leg. Ronald hollered out that Z71 shouldn’t take long and to come on in when he was finished. There, There, good boy.

A quick tour of the mobile home gave me a good idea of the sense of history the Wilson’s treasure. The den area was decorated with Confederate and University of Alabama regalia. Ronald is well versed in the history of the Confederate States and rich history of his beloved Crimson Tide. My bedroom was decorated with John Deere tractor logos. The bed was firm, but soft in places and I swear the thread count on the sheets was in the 200 range

After a light snack of Miller High Life and boiled peanuts I joined Ronald in the small, but comfortable pool. Lurleen mowed the grass while Ronald extolled his love of the Crimson Tide football team. Several Miller High Lifes later I was fully educated on the greatest coach in history, the number of national championships and expectations of future championships from the Alabama football team.

Lurleen finished the mowing and joined us in the pool. There was barely room for the three of us so Ronald excused himself saying he would take a nap. I think he drank several Miller High Life beers before I arrived. Lurleen asked if I would apply baby oil to her back to help her tan. Her skin was very dark and appeared to be a loose fitting leather jumper, but I did as she asked. Her leathery skin and raspy voice from years of cigarettes appealed to some primal yearnings in my midsection. That might be the beer talking. I engaged her in conversation about things to do while staying in Pinckard. She told me the two choices were going to MP Surplus or going to the store. Maybe later we could go to Midland City to see the Shrimp Man for supper.

As night fell we tired of being in the pool, Lurleen took me around to the back porch area. There she opened a box with a few cigarettes. She offered one, telling me it is a clove cigarette and really gives an appetite. I figured: When in Pinckard. We shared the one cigarette and she told me to quickly get dressed. A sports coat and slacks should suffice for a Saturday evening dinner. I started to feel very light headed, probably the cigarette and beer. I dressed as quickly as possible and met Lurleen in the den.

By this time the beer, whatever kind of cigarette and lack of food was taking its toll. My head was spinning. I stumbled into the den hoping to find Lurleen and Ronald and hopefully some food. Maybe I was a little tipsy, but gone was the leather, tanned woman with the figure of Barney Rubble. Lurleen was the most beautiful woman I had ever seen. High heels, red spandex pants, a silky cowgirl blouse cut down to there and lots of blue eye shadow to compliment her stringy red hair. She was an angel.

Ronald was still asleep so it was just the two of us. Ever the gentleman, I held out my arm, she took it and we strolled out to the car. She drove to dinner in their truck. I didn’t mind, I was laid back enjoying the country air.

Somewhere along the way I must have passed out. When I woke we were parked on the edge of a cornfield. Lurleen was pulling me out of the truck and taking off my clothes. My head was really spinning and I had no control over this lovely woman. As we stood there looking at each other I saw something move in the corn behind her. I began to wonder what kind of cigarette she had given me when I saw a woman coming out of the corn riding a horse. The woman on the horse started screaming at us. I think Lurleen knew the woman as they were yelling all kinds of profanities concerning each other’s families.

I don’t think Lady Godiva and Lurleen were friends because the woman drew a pistol and pointed it at us. I tried to explain our situation, but a shot was fired in our direction. My love for Lurleen vanished as I turned and ran screaming naked through the cornfield. Shortly behind me I could hear the horse following and the occasional gunshot. At the end of the cornfield I scrambled a fence and began running through an open field of cattle. I turned back to see Lady Godiva and the horse jump the fence, following me.

Her next shot missed me, but spooked the cows. I didn’t care where I was going as long as it was away from Lady Godiva. I was hoping the cattle knew the quickest route to the highway. And they did. I could see the streetlights. Only a fence separated us from civilization. I bounded the fence, along with several cows, and of course of course, horse lady. Shouldn’t she be out of bullets by now?

Our running bovine parade went through downtown Pinckard where I saw the Wilson’s mobile home. I dove behind an azalea bush and watched the parade pass. After a few minutes I caught my breath, then Lurleen drove up. After she went inside I checked the truck and thankfully my clothes were in there. I dressed, grabbed my keys and said a silent goodbye to my overnight bag and the Wilsons.

This place was too crazy. I am heading into Dothan to stay someplace safe, like The Heart of Dothan Motel.

Monday, July 28, 2008

Violence at the Dothan Cultural Arts Center

Doris Hackenby, the Regional Director of Leisure Arts, Services and Suits has requested a truce between the major fighting factions downtown. Specifically Ms. Doris, as she is so lovingly referred, said she would have “no more of the shenanigans” that occurred Saturday night at the Cultural Arts Center.

“Apparently, there was a scheduling conflict in one of our classrooms. The Latin Ballroom Dance class was scheduled at the same time as the Watercolors: Discovering Your Inner Butterfly class, in the same room no less.” Ms. Doris said, adding, “Watercolor artists are known for their quick tempers and itchy trigger fingers. Of course the dancers proclaiming how fabulous they are compared to other art mediums didn’t help matters. There was a heated exchange of words that led out to the street, even the pitiable scrapbookers got involved. Luckily the police arrived just in time or I would be cleaning a mess of pastel and glitter today.”

Wednesday, July 23, 2008

Possible Caveman Found in Dothan

Scientists from the Dunbarton Institute discovered what they believe to be Dothan’s earliest man. Dr. Richard McSweeney confirmed the discovery of a possible prehistoric man at the intersection of Denton Road and Westgate Parkway. “A male subject was found in the area. We have our best scientists, some of whom make almost $17 per hour, working to determine the actual age of this prehistoric man.” Dr. McSweeney stated, adding, “The man, whom we refer to a Darryl due to ancient markings on his clothing, is in a well preserved state.

“We believe Darryl was a shaman or guide of some sort. In his possession was a metal staff approximately 1.2 meters long with an octagonal placard affixed. The placard reads STOP on one side and the other has SLO, but the last letter is too hard to read. As I speak to you, scientists from the Library are trying to decipher the message. My colleagues speculate he is part of a lost tribe of road builders. Apparently they spent decades in that specific area, who knows if the project was ever complete.”

Monday, July 21, 2008

Archaeologist Alabama Jones and the Copper Peanut

Deep in the jungles of Houston County, archeologist Dr. Alabama Jones approached the ancient Chattahoochee Indian mound. His sherpa, obviously paralyzed with fear froze in his tracks and would go no further.

Sherpas are guides, famous for their knowledge of the Himalayas. Dr. Jones had lost his way while searching for the ancient Indian mound when he happened upon this Sherpa trekking through the jungle. He offered the sherpa fifty American dollars to help him find the lost Chattahoochee Indian mound. The Sherpa seemed confused at first, but shrugged his shoulders and led Dr. Jones through the thick kudzu jungle.

The sherpa stopped and pointed to the mound. “What’s the matter,” Dr. Jones asked, “Are you frozen with fear?”

“No, dude, it’s right there, now give me that fifty bucks.” The sherpa responded.

“What kind of sherpa are you?” Dr. Jones asked.

“Yo, I ain’t no sherpa. I work at Arby’s. I was just out here hiking when I found you. Why didn’t you just go to the main entrance? It’s a state park you know.”

“I was using this ancient map from the Archeology Department at Wallace College. It leads the way to the Copper Peanut.”

“Dude, ever heard of Mapquest? Wait, what’s that about a Copper Peanut?”

Dr. Jones pulled off his fedora and wiped the sweat from his brow, he finally found a youngster interested in history. He told the story to the young sherpa. “Long before you were born, there was a secret society called The Downtown Group. No one knows what they did behind closed doors, but there were rumors of wine and cheese tasting, along with other debauchery. This secret sect tried to change Dothan into what they called “A better place”. No matter how much the general public ignored them, they never went away. Their gatherings culminated in placing decorated fiberglass peanut statues around Dothan. The peanut statue at this site is rumored to have copper peanuts inside.”

“Whoa, dude, how big is this peanut?” The sherpa asked.

“Four feet tall.”

“Those peanuts must weigh a lot. Copper is going for $2.75 a pound.”

“No!” Dr. Jones said adamantly, “It belongs in a museum.”

Suddenly Dr. Jones heard voices coming from the mound area. He ducked down into a thicket of kudzu. The sherpa stood looking at him. Dr. Jones reached up and pulled him down. The sherpa tried to complain, “Yo man you better get back.”

“Listen to me sherpa. We have to be very careful. They are possibly Chattahoochee Indians, the last remaining members of the tribe, here to protect the treasure. Note their unkempt hair and tattered clothes.” Dr. Jones insisted.

“Naw man I think they’re skateboarders. Look, they are moving to the other side of the mound.”

“Now’s our chance! Let’s go! And pull your pants up.” Dr. Jones exclaimed.

Dr. Jones and the sherpa made their way through the clearing to finally reach the Indian mound. “Look old dude, there it is, over by those trees.”

“Proceed with caution young man, it could be booby trapped.” Dr. Jones warned.

“I see a giant peanut in a bed of rocks, surrounded by a two foot high rope. It looks safe to me dude.”

“There could be fire ants or boll weevils. Stand back!” With a sharp crack, Dr. Jones secured his bullwhip to a tree limb and swung across the rope barricade. The limb broke, sending him hurling into the peanut, knocking it off its base and Dr. Jones on his back. “Oh…I…can’t…breathe.”

The sherpa stopped laughing long enough to say, “Look old man, you cracked it. There ain’t no copper peanuts in here. There’s nothing of value.”

Dr. Jones slowly rolled over to inspect the contents of the peanut. It was a time capsule, filled with items from Dothan’s past. “That’s where you’re wrong kid, I see nothing but treasure. It is filled historical objects, little snapshots of a time when progressive groups of people tried to rejuvenate the downtown Dothan area.

“Most individual business owners followed the major flow of traffic while ignoring little things like character in architecture. These small businesses found themselves squeezed between corporate anchor stores, paying the same price per square foot. Most of them didn’t make it.

“Entrepreneurs wanted to chance success in an area previously developed as opposed to out on the highway in some bland cookie cutter strip mall. Property owners in the downtown area ignored pleas from excited new business owners hoping to restore old buildings into a thriving socio-economic area. Their legacy as property owners could have been so much more. Instead of allowing the buildings fall into decay, they could have restored the brick and mortar that had stood for so long, reviving the soul of a lost town.

“Look at this advertiser, proudly locating business in downtown Dothan, Featured Players Theater, The Bistro, Tags Unlimited, Blue Moon CafĂ© and The Foster Street Coffee House, now it reads like an obituary. Once uniquely decorated peanuts now stand as tombstones to a business owner’s worst nightmare. They took a chance on Dothan, but Dothan didn’t take a chance on them.”

Wednesday, July 2, 2008

Bacardi Silver Mojito

“Roy, I bought you some of those drinks you wanted.”

“Thanks babe” Roy said as he cracked open a Bacardi Silver Mojito. “These are so cool and refreshing on a hot day.”

“I know, you have told me several times.” Linda quipped.

“I can’t help it. I love these fruity things.”

“What would your buddies think about you drinking girly drinks? They might say you were gay.”

“I can drink whiskey straight from the bottle and any beer from light to stout, but I will never drink enough to have DickieDoo like those guys.” Roy added.

“What is DickieDoo?” Linda asked.

“That is from drinking so much your stomach sticks out more than your…”

“I get it, you fool.”

“I’m a fool for you. Come here baby.”

Roy pulled her close and kissed her hard. Linda tasted the Bacardi Silver Mojito on his lips, but more than that she tasted the passion from a man, a real man, who loved her like no one else had. She wrapped her arms around him, gripping his tight back muscles. His hands moved about her body, one hand exploring the curves of her hips, the other hand holding her head close to his. Her knees weakened and her body was flush with passion. Her senses tingled with the touch of his hands on her body. Firm grips in some places and light caresses in others. They held each other close. Their movements became a dance of rhythmic lust with sweet melodies of love. The music for their dance was the sound of kisses, moans and the gentle “I Love You” spoken whenever their eyes met. Several times she sang her own song.

After the exhausting dance, his arm around her with her head on his chest, she smiled thinking back to when they first met. She always wanted to dance with John Travolta; he was a sexy man who knew his way around a dance floor. Roy could not dance, even with Linda leading he was lost on the dance floor. But their private dance was getting better all the time. She made a quick mental note to pick up more Bacardi Silver Mojito, because he is man enough to drink anything he wants. She closed her eyes, her hand moved softly over his body until she drifted to sleep.

Tuesday, May 27, 2008

You need to read The Shack by William P. Young

I don't care for fire and brimstone preachers. That is a major turn off for me with some churches. A friend recommended The Shack and told me a little about it. It sounded interesting so I picked it up. What an amazing book. If you are not a very religious person, check it out. It is not preachy, but it is about God's love. You will be amazed by this book. If your preacher/pastor tells you not to read it, ignore them and think for yourself. Leave a comment if you do read it.

Monday, May 19, 2008

Baddest of the Wiregrass - Round 1

Baddest of the Wiregrass: Round 1
Toyota Commercial Kids VS Do It Billy Girl

All of these kids can test your nerves. Do It Billy Girl is the cutest of the bunch but has the ability to become “Hey Howard, What ya doin’ up there?” King’s Appliance annoying in the future. Will the Toyota Commercial Kids play by the rules and tag out legally?

The Toyota Kids are being booed by the crowd probably due to this contest being 3 on 1. As Do It Billy Girl enters the ring, cuddling a cute Cabbage Patch Doll, the crowd lets out a collective “Aaawww”. She is cute.

Hoping to end this quickly, the Toyota Kids send in the biggest girl. As she approaches, Do It Billy Girl points out to the ref that the boy is standing on the ring ropes, an illegal position. As the ref is going to make the boy get down, Do It Billy Girl asks the older girl if she likes her doll. The older girl puts her hands on her hips and rolls her eyes saying something about being too old for dolls. With the ref distracted, Do It Billy Girl whacks the older girl up side the head with the obviously loaded Cabbage Patch Doll saying “Tell Hannah Montana hello”, the older girl is out cold and the crowd erupts. Do It Billy Girl tosses the doll out of the ring, it hits the floor with a loud “Clank”, as the ref comes back to the action she holds her hands out to show she is unarmed.

Toyota boy is next in the ring and he immediately tries his patented “Lower Daddy” arm move/punch. No one knows how lethal it is, but it will knock $1000 off the MSRP of any model Toyota. He misses, he misses again. Do It Billy Girl grabs the arm and twists it behind his back. He screams in pain, “Uncle, Uncle”, she ignores his pleas and pops the arm out of its socket. The crowd is going crazy, no one expected this much action in the first round.

The smallest of the Toyota girls seems a little apprehensive about getting in the ring. Do It Billy Girls drags her in and bends Toyota girl over her knee. What is she doing? Oh, she is spanking the little Toyota girl, saying, “I’m the cutest, I’m the cutest”, Toyota girl has had enough and she taps out.

Round 1 Winner – Do It Billy Girl

Thursday, May 15, 2008

Baddest Of The Wiregrass: The Competitors

Are you ready for the Baddest of the Wiregrass competition? I have assembled sixteen of the most well known people in the Wiregrass area for a wrestling competition to be held at the Houston County Farm Center. The winner will be crowned Baddest of the Wiregrass. Some of our contestants are constantly competing against each other on a daily basis in the fields of news reporting, commercials and city government. The contestants are:

Rickey Stokes
Len White
Kevin Presley
Jenna Zibton
Reginald Jones
Angie Casey
Mayor Pat Thomas
City Manager Mike West
Mike Schmitz
Toyota Commercial Kids
Do It Billy Girl
Jim Cook
Phil Paramore
Red Holland
Charlie Platt
Harrie Anne Smith

Please feel free to leave comments about your favorites

Accident at Rickey Stokes News

Rumors have been floating around downtown Dothan the last few days concerning the automobile accident at A Advantage Bonding or Headquarters for Rickey Stokes News.

A Volkswagen Jetta fitting the description of the one that crashed into Stokes’ office was, until recently, seen up on blocks in front of Mark Culver’s mobile home. Culver denied knowledge of ever having the car, but the day after the car was reported missing by one of his neighbors a Mobile Attic storage unit appeared at Culver’s trailer court residence. Neighbors reported seeing Culver remove large quantities of Busch beer and Redman chewing tobacco from the storage unit.

City Attorney Len White took an unexpected vacation on the day of the accident. Witnesses at the scene of the accident reported hearing the driver of the Jetta jump out and proclaim, “Hoooeeeee, I got you Stokes!” before running away. Len White was recently overheard at the infamous Ray’s Restaurant Fish Fry exclaiming, “Hoooeeeee, them’s some good catfish!”

John Keppy is putting his keen detectiving skills to use trying to find out how to piece this puzzle together. So far he has ascertained that controlled explosions were not responsible for the collapse of the front of the building, as previously reported. The car did cause the damage.

Stokes is currently in Myanmar flying aid to cyclone victims with his personal helicopter.

All of this is currently speculation until Keppy or Larry McKee can get more facts.

Tuesday, May 6, 2008

1000 Virgins

I missed the Short Story Writing Group at the library last night. The topic was 1000 and this is what I came up with at lunch yesterday.

“…And with the completion of your mission you will be rewarded with 1000 virgins in heaven.” The radical Muslim recruiter finished his explanation of how the new recruits would martyr themselves. The recruiter noticed a raised hand. “Yes, my brother, what is your name and question?”

“My name is Randy and I was wondering about the 1000 virgins part.”

“Yes, it is one of the more popular benefits of Islam, as is our 401k program.” The recruiter added.

“Well who came up with the idea of 1000 virgins, I mean come on, what are you supposed to do with 1000 virgins?” Randy asked.

A few giggles came from the room full of recruits. The recruiter held up his hands to quiet the crowd. “Whatever you want.” the recruiter said getting a rowdy response from the room full of men. “They will be yours for eternity.”

Randy shouted above the noisy room full of men, “What if I don’t want 1000 virgins?” The room fell silent for a few seconds.

Behind him someone said, “What if you are gay?” The room broke out in laughter.

The recruiter waited for the men to settle down then said “Raise your hand if you like virgins.” Everyone in the room, except Randy raised a hand.

Randy waited for the hands to fall then raised his hand high and said, “Raise your hand if you have ever been with a virgin.” Out of the thirty men in the room, two others raised their hands. “I thought so,” Randy quipped. “Did you enjoy it?”

One of the young men stood and tersely announced “No, I did not enjoy it, I was too scared to know what I was doing, it was all very uncomfortable for both of us.”

“Exactly”, Randy said “Virgins are terribly overrated, can I swap my 1000 virgins for one, no make that two Pamela Andersons, circa that movie she did, what was it called?”

The same young Muslim jumped to his feet with his hand held high, “Barbwire, the movie you speak of was called Barbwire, Ms. Pamela Anderson was in the swing with the black dress, AH-LOO, LOO, LOO, LOO!” Several other men began shouting LOO, LOO, LOO, LOO while firing AK47 rifles into the roof of the meeting hall.

Randy stepped over to the recruiter and said, “Let’s talk about a dental plan.”

Wednesday, April 9, 2008

Fishing Buddies

Randy sat at the bow of his boat watching his rods intently. He had something to share with his best friend Jim, who was sitting at the stern, also fishing. Jim could tell something was on Randy’s mind as he was being suddenly very quiet.

“I’ve got to tell you something” Randy broke the silence.

“Oh my God, he is going to tell me he is gay,” Jim thought to himself, adding, “What is it?”

Randy took a deep breath and told Jim his secret, “I’m not gay or nothing, but I like watching Dancing With The Stars. I can’t help it. Roberta knows and she doesn’t think it is a big deal, but I just never had the courage to say it to you.”

“Okay”, Jim said, “You’re telling me this because…”

“I am telling you because I am angry. Last night Adam Carolla was voted off. I don’t care that Adam Carolla was voted off, but that means we will not see his dancing partner Julianne Hough, the second finest woman on the show, again this season. She is beautiful and she can move. Of course the finest woman is Edyta Sliwinska. She’s the one to watch. Her hip movement is hypnotic. Every time she dances I only watch her lower body. She is one sexy woman.”

“You’re crazy.” Jim said solemnly.

“No I am not!” Randy was excited now. “These women, the outfits they wear, the way they move. I can’t talk. I am glued to the screen.”

“You are crazy, you fool! Julianne is the best-looking babe on the show, Edyta is the sexiest. There is a big difference and if that idiot Adam Carolla wouldn’t lead with his heel and keep his shoulders up then we would still have Julianne. Aarrgh, why oh why did we have to lose Julianne?”

“You idiot, why didn’t you tell me you watch that show? Did you worry I might think you were gay?” Randy quipped.

“Maybe we are gay because I know more about ballroom dancing than I should, thanks to Carrie Ann, Lynn and Bruno. I tell you this, if watching Julianne on Dancing With The Stars is wrong, I don’t want to be right.” Jim joked, but with serious undertones.

Randy said, “I heard that.”

Tuesday, April 8, 2008

WDHN's Jenna Zibton Wrestling Vacation

Jenna Zibton is absent from WDHN News 18 at 5, 6 and 10 this week while she chases a lifelong dream of becoming a masked female wrestler. Jenna is in Guadalupe, Mexico training with such wrestling legends as Fabulous Fran, Nervous Nancy and Big Bertha. Jenna abandoned her previous lifelong dreams of learning to crochet lingerie and becoming a contestant on So You Think You Can Dance. We did get a couple of pictures of Jenna training.
Here she is taking a face kick from someone named Nikki.

Here we see Nervous Nancy applying the dreaded Ovarian Pinch to Jenna.

Good luck to Jenna!

Thursday, March 27, 2008


Good Day Mrs. Not Concerned

My name is the good Reverend Klench Michiques and I am coming to you from Nigeria, Mnumbuku Province. Our Church of the Holy Gnu wishes to participate in the givings to Mr. Not Concerned and family. Mr. Concerned is a most gracious friend to our Church. We have on many times accepted his hospitality. On this day now I wish to refund his hospitality in making a gift to him in US dollars. However, recently in past days I now know why I cannot reach him at his work emails. I am so sorry for his discomfort at the hands of the renegade Mr. Stokes causing his knees to be most broken from the Lewybill Sluggar. The members of the Church of the Holy Gnu wish to make penance upon Mr. Concerned in the amount of US $5000.00. However as you see we cannot reach him and wish to make surprise for him. Please, can you send me his contact information, social security numbers and direct deposit routing numbers to his chequing accounts.

Many Blessings upon you Mrs. Concerned
Reverend Klench Michiques

Dear Reverend Michiques,
Mr. Notconcerned is slowly healing at the Southeast Alabama Medical Center. Not only did Stokes break his kneecaps, but he also broke several fingers, making it hard to type. I know he appreciates your emails and the pictures you sent from the village. He wanted me to ask how the Lamisil is working for young Tutukana.

Can you help us out by sending a rabid baboon to the offices of Mr. Stokes, preferably with a “Krispy Kreme Donuts Inside” label attached. I am sure it would bring joy to his heart and lift his spirits.

Mrs. Notconcerned

Dear Mrs. Not Concerned
My heart is sad to hear of Mr. Concerneds hands. The Church of the Holy Gnu will commence special services with the sacrifice of kinukach. Most assuredly this will cause his great relief and allow him to send the information requested of Social Security numbers and bank routing numbers. We are most urgent to get this information as our church has now raised US $9000 in the helping of good health toward Mr. Concerneds.

Alas there is a baboon shortage in my village. I can send to you a how to make baboon stew that will surely lift his spirits and nourish his wounds. Have you baboons in your village for making of the stew?

Good wishes
Reverend Klench Michiques

Tuesday, March 18, 2008

Shocking News Concerning Greg Dee

Shocking News Concerning Greg Dee

Local residents say they were shocked to learn that WDHN Meteorologist Greg Dee has only recently received his Seal of Approval from the American Meteorological Society.

Thelma Purdue, of Webb, led an angry mob to the WDHN studios this morning, demanding satisfaction. “We want to know what kind of scam Greg Dee has been pulling and for how long?” Purdue demanded. “Has our weather been accurate or what?”

The mob was kept out of the building by the imposing figure of non other than Ken Curtis. With Ken Curtis watching the crowd Greg Dee came out to soothe them.

“Your weather is accurate and reliable.” Greg Dee said, adding, “It always has been. I was just certified by the AMS.”

From the crowd came a shout, “Oh yeah, is it partly cloudy or partly sunny?”

Ken Curtis made a move for the crowd, “Who said that?”

Greg Dee placed a hand on Ken Curtis’ arm. “No Ken Curtis, now is not the time for violence. Let me speak to them.” Greg Dee opened his arms to the crowd and spoke, “Good people of Webb, the weather is not black and white. It is a combination of fronts and systems sometimes too complex for categorizing with a simple partly this or 30 percent chance of that. Actually, just now, as I study this area, I find we are in an Adiabatic Process, which is in essence a thermodynamic change of state in a system in which there is no transfer of heat or mass across the boundaries of the system. In this process, compression will result in a warming…wait, where are you going? I am Greg Dee, hear my forecast”

Ken Curtis stopped him, “It’s too late kid. They started leaving ten minutes ago.”

Monday, March 17, 2008

Kevin Presley Wins Best Sideburns

The National Broadcasters Association recently awarded WDHN news anchor Kevin Presley for having “Best Sideburns”. Presley said he was honored by the award and hopes his sideburns bring prosperity to the Wiregrass area.

“Thank you NBA and thank you Wiregrass”, Presley said, in reference to the award. “As far as I know, no one in the Dothan area has ever been bestowed this high honor. John Williams got Best Hair in 1984 and 1985, but nothing compares to Best Sideburns. I worked hard for these sideburns, my stylist and burns were recently featured on the cover of Men’s Health magazine. Yesterday morning Wendell Stepp informed me that the City of Dothan is commissioning a mural of my sideburns to go on the WTVY building, pretty sweet deal.”

Co-anchor Jenna Zibton nominated Presley for the highly coveted award. “My girlfriends are so jealous that I get to sit next to Kevin and deliver the news everyday.” Zibton said, adding “Greg Dee is our super intelligent meet…meteor…weatherman and Kim Allen is your basic muscle man jock, but Kevin Presley, is like Burt Reynolds without the mustache.”

General Manager Janie Hinson stated “Occasionally a small market station like WDHN will find truly great anchor like Kevin. Since John Williams retired, the Dothan area has been lacking a real man to deliver the nightly news. We are the most watched news program among 18 to 65 year old women in the Wiregrass. I think there is a good reason for that, those sideburns are a trusted news source.”

Study Finds Redneck Women Attracted To Big Loud Pickup Trucks

Study Finds Redneck Women Attracted To Big Loud Pickup Trucks

A recent study by the National Association of Women finds that redneck women are three times more likely to be attracted to a man driving a truck with large mud tires and loud mufflers. Dr. Janice Goodall stated several of her colleagues were surprised at the results of the study. “As times change, so do people,” Dr. Goodall said, “previously we thought two of the main indicators which attracted redneck women were worn ring in the back pocket of a man’s pants caused by a can of Skoal and sleeveless t-shirts imprinted with a Confederate flag.”

Brain activity was monitored while test subjects were shown flash cards of various automobiles. Whereas an image of a late model family car in good condition showed little to no brain activity, the image of a slightly rusted 1996 Chevy Z71 with Super Swamper tires produced the highest results.

The study also measured estrogen output when exposed to certain sounds. Dr. Goodall was surprised with the results adding, “As an educated woman I find the sound of George Clooney reading the Magna Carta somewhat of an aphrodisiac. Rednecks were extremely turned on by the sound of Flowmaster exhaust systems. If you are not familiar, it sounds somewhat like an automobile without a muffler. Very loud and totally devoid of benefit to the mechanical operation of the vehicle.”

Slocomb Annexed By Mexico

Slocomb Annexed By Mexico

Mexican President Felipe Calderone announced the annexation of the town of Slocomb Wednesday. Slocomb Mayor Vicki Moore welcomed the annexation as a sign of coming prosperity.

Mayor Moore said “It was the best thing for our community. We have more illegal immigrant tomato pickers than citizens born and raised in our area. President Calderone was kind enough to let us keep the name Slocomb for the town, he was going to rename it El Tomate. Our only regret is that all future Tomato Queens must be of Mexican descent.”

Mexican officials said the dilapidated downtown area feels very “homey” to them. The buildings remind them of most any Mexican shantytown well south of the border. Regional Planning Director, Javier Lopez said the task of bringing the Slocomb area up to Mexican standards should not take too long. “We are almost there, we will replace trailers with pueblos” Lopez said, adding “I must get a new truck that sounds of no muffler, Gringo’s new trucks do that, you must drive a truck many years in Mexico for the same sound.”

Local resident, Bubba Jenkins felt melancholy over the annexation. Jenkins said, “I ain’t learnin to speak no Mexican, I tell you that right now, but a siesta everyday, I heard that.”

Local Woman Hospitalized Over Lack Of Grey’s Anatomy

Local Woman Hospitalized Over Lack Of Grey’s Anatomy

Headland resident Tammy Holland was hospitalized yesterday, in serious condition, from what doctors speculate is a lack of new episodes of Grey’s Anatomy. Ms. Holland was found in her home babbling “McDreamy…McDreamy…McDreamy”. Upon arrival at Southeast Alabama Medical Center she was upgraded to stable condition.

Dr. Sam Jacobson attributed her improvement to seeing a bunch of doctors involved with tomfoolery. “The familiarity of white lab coats immediately soothed Ms. Holland,” Dr. Jacobson said adding, “The Hollywood writer’s strike has affected people in our community. We don’t have anyone here who looks like Patrick Dempsey, but she did tell me I have romantic eyes. We started her on a small dose of season two’s DVD box set, and have seen major improvements.”

Local Man Gets A “Bitchin” Mullet

Local Man Gets A “Bitchin” Mullet
Derrick Johnson is truly happy with his latest haircut, a mullet. “It’s a bitchin mullet”, Johnson said, “I ain’t believin how good it looks. I done went to the southside Walmart and had to wait forty-five minutes fer a haircut, but it was worth it. All business in the front and a party going on out back. Now I am gonna detail my Camaro and cruise the mall.”

Local Man Volunteers To Massage Teachers At Rehobeth Schools

Local Man Volunteers To Massage Teachers At Rehobeth Schools

Upon hearing students are no longer allowed to massage female teachers at Rehobeth schools, Jimmy Tucker volunteered his services. Tucker, often referred to as the “Weirdo”, said he would be happy to give female teachers an occasional massage. “When I heard the students weren’t supposed to do that anymore, I thought this is my best chance to get close to a woman”, Tucker said. “I ain’t never been married, maybe I can find me a wife at the school. Heck, I would even massage a gym teacher.”

Rehobeth school officials could not be reached for comment.

Local Church Theft, Satan Suspected

Local Church Theft, Satan Suspected

The air conditioning unit from New Mt. Zion Holiness Church was stolen Wednesday night, Pastor Joe Barnes blames Satan. “He is responsible for all of the unrighteousness in the world,” Pastor Barnes said. “He is the root of all evil, condemned to hell by the graces of our heavenly father. You find him, and you will find our air conditioner.”

Houston County Sheriff’s Deputies believe the thief will probably sell the copper in the air conditioner to a recycling center. Deputies have contacted several recyclers in the area in hopes of catching Satan. Satan is described as being 6 feet tall, weighing 200 pounds, red skin, horns on the forehead, a long whip like tail and may possibly be carrying a pitchfork. If you encounter someone matching this description please contact Crimestoppers at 793-7000.

WDHN News Anchor Kevin Presley Facts

Kevin Presley doesn’t flub his lines like Jenna Zibton.

Kevin Presley laughs at his co-anchor off camera

Kevin Presley has perfect Hair

Kevin Presley can bench press a Honda Civic

Last name Presley, probably father to Elvis

Kevin Presley was previously a wrestler named “Alabama Slamma”, from parts unknown

Kevin Presley could easily handle the WTVY news at the same time, just doesn’t like CBS

Kevin Presley once fought Chuck Norris to a draw

Kevin Presley has killer sideburns

Most people work at the mall for a side job, Kevin Presley preaches the word of God

Kevin Presley, unlike Greg Dee, knows the difference between partly cloudy and partly sunny

Kevin Presley taught Ken Curtis how to be cool

We will get the I10 connector when Kevin Presley is damn well ready for it

John Williams retired because he heard Kevin Presley was coming to town

Only Kevin Presley could make the Wiregrass news interesting

Hurricane Katrina was actually Kevin Presley blow drying his hair

Kevin Presley’s fists are considered weapons of mass destruction

If Kevin Presley worked for Rickey Stokes News all of the words would be spelled correctly

Kevin Presley humbly declined having Country Crossing named Kevin Presleyland

67% of Wiregrass women miss the news due to fainting after seeing Kevin Presley’s handsome face

I10 Connector Finalized

I10 Connector Finalized, ALDOT Director Hopes “Everyone Will Just Shut Up About This”

Alabama Department of Transportation Director Bill Frisk finalized the plans for the Interstate 10 connector for the Dothan area this morning. Frisk posted the following comments for all news outlets, refusing any additional comment.

From The Desk of William “Bill” Frisk, ALDOT Director
“Governor Riley is tired of hearing about this I10 connector thing and so am I. He told me to come up with something just so everyone will shut up about this. So here is the plan. Say goodbye to Dothan, it will be razed. We are going to run six lanes of interstate from Montgomery all the way through what used to be Dothan, down to Interstate 10 at Marianna. We got tired of hearing everybody bitch about it, so there you go. The Governor said he wanted to keep a few landmarks so we will spare the Cowboys and probably Applebees. Everything else will be gone. The city of Donalsonville, Georgia wants has asked for “as much scrap lumber as they can get” from the demolishing of Dothan. I think they want to build a new school or something.”

Gay Community Split Over Jeff Gordon’s Hairstyle

Gay Community Split Over Jeff Gordon’s Hairstyle

Nascar Racing Champion Jeff Gordon may have lost a few fans after his latest visit to Great Clips. Gordon was the most popular driver among gay fans, until he changed his hairstyle.

Chase Billingsly, Chairman of the Dothan Club “Gays Love Jeff” said his organization is in turmoil over Gordon’s latest decision. “Our little club is really divided right now”, Billingsly said, “Some like him with short hair, others like me, love his longer, flowing sexy locks. How can you resist that man jumping around after a victory covered in Pepsi? I wear his cologne everyday, it has a hint of motor oil, you know?”

Club member Cleveland Pattison is happy Gordon switched back to shorter hair. “Give me Jeff Gordon with short hair, a little beard stubble, his driving suit open for his chest hair to show, then throw in the smell of burning rubber and I am in Heaven! Have mercy!” Pattison exclaimed.

Jeff Gordon could not be reached for comment.

Tuesday, March 4, 2008

Air Force Test - Fun Game - What Is Your Best Time

Someone sent me this game. The Air Force Test, is very simple. Move the red block without hitting a blue block or the retaining walls. I bet you play more than once. Click here to take the Air Force Test.

Tuesday, January 29, 2008

Remove Your Baseball Cap In Restaurants

Real men don’t wear baseball caps in a restaurant. It is time to grow up little one. A baseball cap is fine for bad hair days or even playing baseball, but not when you are sitting in a restaurant eating. Most males these days have short haircuts, which seem to negate the need for even wearing a baseball cap.

My hair is a not short and looks rough when I wake up and lounge around the house on the weekends. I throw on a baseball cap to keep from looking like a bum. I also wear one on hot days to absorb sweat while working in the yard. If we happen to eat out on a day I have hat hair I always remove the cap in the restaurant.

In the first half of the 20th century fedora style hats were in fashion and most men wore them. If these men ever ventured indoors or were in the presence of a lady they promptly removed their hat. It was a sign of good manners, respect and class.
So remove those hats at the appropriate times and people notice that you are a classy fellow.

Thursday, January 10, 2008

Best Video of 2007 - Five Seconds I Could Watch Everyday - Dramatic Chipmunk

Do you have the chops for acting? Most people think it is easy, anyone can do it. If it is so easy why do we see television and film actors who are not very good. Less is more in the acting business. Sometimes I can really feel what an actor is trying to convey, even with little or no dialogue. I watched a terrible movie last night with Sarah Michelle Gellar. She could have taken some lessons from this video. The ability to act, you have it or you don't. This unnamed actor is overflowing with it.