Tuesday, May 27, 2008

You need to read The Shack by William P. Young

I don't care for fire and brimstone preachers. That is a major turn off for me with some churches. A friend recommended The Shack and told me a little about it. It sounded interesting so I picked it up. What an amazing book. If you are not a very religious person, check it out. It is not preachy, but it is about God's love. You will be amazed by this book. If your preacher/pastor tells you not to read it, ignore them and think for yourself. Leave a comment if you do read it.

Monday, May 19, 2008

Baddest of the Wiregrass - Round 1

Baddest of the Wiregrass: Round 1
Toyota Commercial Kids VS Do It Billy Girl

All of these kids can test your nerves. Do It Billy Girl is the cutest of the bunch but has the ability to become “Hey Howard, What ya doin’ up there?” King’s Appliance annoying in the future. Will the Toyota Commercial Kids play by the rules and tag out legally?

The Toyota Kids are being booed by the crowd probably due to this contest being 3 on 1. As Do It Billy Girl enters the ring, cuddling a cute Cabbage Patch Doll, the crowd lets out a collective “Aaawww”. She is cute.

Hoping to end this quickly, the Toyota Kids send in the biggest girl. As she approaches, Do It Billy Girl points out to the ref that the boy is standing on the ring ropes, an illegal position. As the ref is going to make the boy get down, Do It Billy Girl asks the older girl if she likes her doll. The older girl puts her hands on her hips and rolls her eyes saying something about being too old for dolls. With the ref distracted, Do It Billy Girl whacks the older girl up side the head with the obviously loaded Cabbage Patch Doll saying “Tell Hannah Montana hello”, the older girl is out cold and the crowd erupts. Do It Billy Girl tosses the doll out of the ring, it hits the floor with a loud “Clank”, as the ref comes back to the action she holds her hands out to show she is unarmed.

Toyota boy is next in the ring and he immediately tries his patented “Lower Daddy” arm move/punch. No one knows how lethal it is, but it will knock $1000 off the MSRP of any model Toyota. He misses, he misses again. Do It Billy Girl grabs the arm and twists it behind his back. He screams in pain, “Uncle, Uncle”, she ignores his pleas and pops the arm out of its socket. The crowd is going crazy, no one expected this much action in the first round.

The smallest of the Toyota girls seems a little apprehensive about getting in the ring. Do It Billy Girls drags her in and bends Toyota girl over her knee. What is she doing? Oh, she is spanking the little Toyota girl, saying, “I’m the cutest, I’m the cutest”, Toyota girl has had enough and she taps out.

Round 1 Winner – Do It Billy Girl

Thursday, May 15, 2008

Baddest Of The Wiregrass: The Competitors

Are you ready for the Baddest of the Wiregrass competition? I have assembled sixteen of the most well known people in the Wiregrass area for a wrestling competition to be held at the Houston County Farm Center. The winner will be crowned Baddest of the Wiregrass. Some of our contestants are constantly competing against each other on a daily basis in the fields of news reporting, commercials and city government. The contestants are:

Rickey Stokes
Len White
Kevin Presley
Jenna Zibton
Reginald Jones
Angie Casey
Mayor Pat Thomas
City Manager Mike West
Mike Schmitz
Toyota Commercial Kids
Do It Billy Girl
Jim Cook
Phil Paramore
Red Holland
Charlie Platt
Harrie Anne Smith

Please feel free to leave comments about your favorites

Accident at Rickey Stokes News

Rumors have been floating around downtown Dothan the last few days concerning the automobile accident at A Advantage Bonding or Headquarters for Rickey Stokes News.

A Volkswagen Jetta fitting the description of the one that crashed into Stokes’ office was, until recently, seen up on blocks in front of Mark Culver’s mobile home. Culver denied knowledge of ever having the car, but the day after the car was reported missing by one of his neighbors a Mobile Attic storage unit appeared at Culver’s trailer court residence. Neighbors reported seeing Culver remove large quantities of Busch beer and Redman chewing tobacco from the storage unit.

City Attorney Len White took an unexpected vacation on the day of the accident. Witnesses at the scene of the accident reported hearing the driver of the Jetta jump out and proclaim, “Hoooeeeee, I got you Stokes!” before running away. Len White was recently overheard at the infamous Ray’s Restaurant Fish Fry exclaiming, “Hoooeeeee, them’s some good catfish!”

John Keppy is putting his keen detectiving skills to use trying to find out how to piece this puzzle together. So far he has ascertained that controlled explosions were not responsible for the collapse of the front of the building, as previously reported. The car did cause the damage.

Stokes is currently in Myanmar flying aid to cyclone victims with his personal helicopter.

All of this is currently speculation until Keppy or Larry McKee can get more facts.

Tuesday, May 6, 2008

1000 Virgins

I missed the Short Story Writing Group at the library last night. The topic was 1000 and this is what I came up with at lunch yesterday.

“…And with the completion of your mission you will be rewarded with 1000 virgins in heaven.” The radical Muslim recruiter finished his explanation of how the new recruits would martyr themselves. The recruiter noticed a raised hand. “Yes, my brother, what is your name and question?”

“My name is Randy and I was wondering about the 1000 virgins part.”

“Yes, it is one of the more popular benefits of Islam, as is our 401k program.” The recruiter added.

“Well who came up with the idea of 1000 virgins, I mean come on, what are you supposed to do with 1000 virgins?” Randy asked.

A few giggles came from the room full of recruits. The recruiter held up his hands to quiet the crowd. “Whatever you want.” the recruiter said getting a rowdy response from the room full of men. “They will be yours for eternity.”

Randy shouted above the noisy room full of men, “What if I don’t want 1000 virgins?” The room fell silent for a few seconds.

Behind him someone said, “What if you are gay?” The room broke out in laughter.

The recruiter waited for the men to settle down then said “Raise your hand if you like virgins.” Everyone in the room, except Randy raised a hand.

Randy waited for the hands to fall then raised his hand high and said, “Raise your hand if you have ever been with a virgin.” Out of the thirty men in the room, two others raised their hands. “I thought so,” Randy quipped. “Did you enjoy it?”

One of the young men stood and tersely announced “No, I did not enjoy it, I was too scared to know what I was doing, it was all very uncomfortable for both of us.”

“Exactly”, Randy said “Virgins are terribly overrated, can I swap my 1000 virgins for one, no make that two Pamela Andersons, circa that movie she did, what was it called?”

The same young Muslim jumped to his feet with his hand held high, “Barbwire, the movie you speak of was called Barbwire, Ms. Pamela Anderson was in the swing with the black dress, AH-LOO, LOO, LOO, LOO!” Several other men began shouting LOO, LOO, LOO, LOO while firing AK47 rifles into the roof of the meeting hall.

Randy stepped over to the recruiter and said, “Let’s talk about a dental plan.”