Tuesday, May 6, 2008

1000 Virgins

I missed the Short Story Writing Group at the library last night. The topic was 1000 and this is what I came up with at lunch yesterday.

“…And with the completion of your mission you will be rewarded with 1000 virgins in heaven.” The radical Muslim recruiter finished his explanation of how the new recruits would martyr themselves. The recruiter noticed a raised hand. “Yes, my brother, what is your name and question?”

“My name is Randy and I was wondering about the 1000 virgins part.”

“Yes, it is one of the more popular benefits of Islam, as is our 401k program.” The recruiter added.

“Well who came up with the idea of 1000 virgins, I mean come on, what are you supposed to do with 1000 virgins?” Randy asked.

A few giggles came from the room full of recruits. The recruiter held up his hands to quiet the crowd. “Whatever you want.” the recruiter said getting a rowdy response from the room full of men. “They will be yours for eternity.”

Randy shouted above the noisy room full of men, “What if I don’t want 1000 virgins?” The room fell silent for a few seconds.

Behind him someone said, “What if you are gay?” The room broke out in laughter.

The recruiter waited for the men to settle down then said “Raise your hand if you like virgins.” Everyone in the room, except Randy raised a hand.

Randy waited for the hands to fall then raised his hand high and said, “Raise your hand if you have ever been with a virgin.” Out of the thirty men in the room, two others raised their hands. “I thought so,” Randy quipped. “Did you enjoy it?”

One of the young men stood and tersely announced “No, I did not enjoy it, I was too scared to know what I was doing, it was all very uncomfortable for both of us.”

“Exactly”, Randy said “Virgins are terribly overrated, can I swap my 1000 virgins for one, no make that two Pamela Andersons, circa that movie she did, what was it called?”

The same young Muslim jumped to his feet with his hand held high, “Barbwire, the movie you speak of was called Barbwire, Ms. Pamela Anderson was in the swing with the black dress, AH-LOO, LOO, LOO, LOO!” Several other men began shouting LOO, LOO, LOO, LOO while firing AK47 rifles into the roof of the meeting hall.

Randy stepped over to the recruiter and said, “Let’s talk about a dental plan.”


  1. That was a great take on 1000.
    Thanks! It would've won for the best submission seeing how there would have been only been one to compete with...

    I hope we get more attendee's.

  2. Although their physical appearance classifies them as Homo sapiens, I would stress the fact that their unyielding insistence in the reality of the so-called “nirvana” clearly demonstrates their neanderthalic fallacies that are rooted in the recently invented religious philosophical façade termed as Radical Islam, or at times Sharia law. As I am certain the aforementioned statement far exceeds their mental capacity for its comprehension, so, I will dumb it down a bit for them into a geographical legend of which they are well versed. Should by chance I were to ever come across Aladdin’s lamp I would have but one wish, transform the thousand virgins within their Nirvana into a million extensively experienced abusive sodomites!!!!! When word got back of the change, that might slow them down a bit hey.