Wednesday, January 27, 2010

WDHN Weather Woman Vicki Graf is now Southern


A team of scientists and doctors from Southeast Alabama Medical Center announced this morning that they have successfully converted WDHN’s weather woman Vicki Graf to a southerner. 

Lead scientist, Doctor Otto Rinjinsonjinson, was all smiles as he presented the new Vicki Graf at a press conference this morning.  “I would like to introduce to you our newest southern belle, Vicki Graf,” Dr. Otto said, adding, “As most of you know, Vicki was immune to customary methods of southernization, such as consuming mass quantities of Miller Lite and smoking Kool cigarettes.  We were required to perform a stem cell transplant.”

“Hey y’all.  It’s gone rain Fridee.” Vicki added.

“Hoooeee, now she sounds as good as she looks, shore nuff.”  Reporter Jim Cook said.

“Shut your trap Jim, Doctor, where did you find stem cells strong enough and in such quantities?”

“That’s a good question.  Our researchers combed the jungles of the Florida Panhandle for the perfect specimen, and we found him, none other that the infamous Red Holland.  Our researchers found him on what appeared to be a hot bed of crappie.  He was disarmed of his cane pole and brought back for the procedure.”

“Doctor Otto, the procedure appears to be successful for Vicki, but how is Red?”

“To soon to tell, we scooped out a lot of his stem cells.  After the procedure he awoke screaming “Haw! Haw!””

“But didn’t he do that before?”

“Yes he did, we are hoping he will be an inexhaustible supply of southern stem cells.”

“Now that you are southern, what’s the first thing you want to do Vicki?”

“Ahm own go to Drifter’s”

“Sorry Doll, but they is closed.”  Jim Cook said.

“Sheeeeuuuut!”

“Aha” Doctor Otto exclaimed.  “Yankees normally say that word in point 2 milliseconds, it must have taken her a good three seconds to say it.”

“Vicki, tell us the first word you uttered after the procedure.”

“Camaro.”

“It’s a miracle, congratulations Doctor!”



Tuesday, January 26, 2010

The Salvation of Billy Wayne Carter

Please help support another local writer, M. David Hornbuckle.  I say local because he is from Dothan but now lives in NYC.  His book is The Salvation of Billy Wayne Carter.  Here is a link to his book.  Wishing success to you Hornbuckle.  http://billywaynecarter.com/

Monday, January 25, 2010

Jennifer and Brad

Jennifer was doing the birthday dance in her birthday suit when suddenly the doorbell rang.  She threw on a silky negligee from Victoria's Secret in Wiregrass Commons Mall and answered the door.  She was surprised to find Brad Pitt, the actor standing in her doorway, but she kept her cool.  "Can I help you?"

"So sorry to bother you ma'am but I have run out of gas and was wondering if I could use your phone?"

"Certainly, come in.  I'm Jennifer" 

"My name is Brad Pitt, I'm an actor."

"Oh really."

"Yes, I'm shooting a movie up at the school."

"Oh, you must be exhausted, would you like some sweet tea, Brad?"

"Yes ma'am."

She opened the refrigerator and bent over as far as she could, frantically searching the crisper drawer for her pitcher of sweet tea.  He could see the pitcher sitting on the top shelf, but allowed her to continue her search as he was enjoying the view.  "Oh silly me," she said.  "Here it is on the top shelf."

She held a glass up to refrigerator's ice dispenser, as she pressed the button it made an awful churning sound but no ice came out.  "Here, let me help you," Brad Pitt said.  He wrapped his hand around hers and pushed the glass against the ice dispensing button.  "You have to be patient, sometimes it takes a gentle hand, other times a firm hand, but if you continue to press the button, the ice will come."

She stared into his eyes as he was concentrating on the glass, massaging it ever so gently against the button.  Soon, the ice flowed, taking her by surprise.  She poured the sweet tea into his glass.  "Here, let me sweeten that up for you."  Jennifer said as she licked her index finger ferociously swished it in his tea glass.  Brad Pitt smiled, taking the glass of tea.  He drank it in several long gulps, his eyes fixed on hers.  "Aahh." he said as he finished, catching his breath.

She raised an eyebrow, impressed with his thirst for something southern and sweet.

Monday, January 18, 2010

Monday, January 4, 2010

Community Service Announcement

Doris Hackenby, the Regional Director of Leisure Arts, Services and Suits has requested a truce between the major fighting factions downtown. Specifically Ms. Doris, as she is so lovingly referred, said she would have “no more of the shenanigans” that occurred Saturday night at the Cultural Arts Center. “Apparently, there was a scheduling conflict in one of our classrooms. The Latin Ballroom Dance class was scheduled at the same time as the Watercolors: Discovering Your Inner Butterfly class, in the same room no less.” Ms. Doris said, adding, “Watercolor artists are known for their quick tempers and itchy trigger fingers. Of course the dancers proclaiming how fabulous they are compared to other art mediums didn’t help matters. There was a heated exchange of words that led out to the street, even the pitiable scrapbookers got involved. Luckily the police arrived just in time or I would be cleaning a mess a pastel and glitter today.”