Thursday, December 29, 2011

Kudzu Untamed

Give me your peas brother, he ordered me.
Peas, black of eye, with corn bread for sopping,
A ham hock and onion added flavor.
Being the elder brother, he took them.
I watched as he devoured them whole, sucking
The ham hock bone as my anger festered.
I knew he must die for such a grievance
And that night I hatched a devious plan.

My grandmother told of untamed kudzu
Growing so fast that windows must be shut
At night lest the kudzu vines grow into
A child’s bedroom and carry him away.
So I began the next day to tame the
Kudzu vines outside his window to grow
Slack so they would have length to reach upon
That bed in which at night he would slumber.

Within one week I was satisfied the
Vine was sufficient to strangle him.
In the twilight I crept into his room,
Pulled the kudzu vine in through the window
And as I mounted the bed he awoke
What are you doing he asked me, perplexed.
You ate my peas brother.  I’m killing you.
And I strangled him with the kudzu vine.

After the funeral the feast was grand,
With a large pot of my favorite peas.
So full of peas and corn bread I did sleep
And in my dream I saw the face of the
One I strangled but it was not brother
But my own and woke suffocating.
For the kudzu vine that could not be tame
Snuck into my room and strangled me too.

Tuesday, December 20, 2011

Hey Bella!!!

I took my wife to see the latest Twilight movie over the weekend.  This one’s title was somehow related to the sunrise.  Breaking Bad comes to mind but that’s a different story, let’s just call it Twilight number four. 

Because we were running a little late, I dropped her at the door so she could get tickets while I parked.  After parking, as I approached the door, a nervous looking guy asked if I was going to see Twilight.  Reluctantly I said I was. 

“Yo, man I got some black market estrogen.  You need a fix?” He asked.

“Well I sure do.  What have you got?”

“Check it out dog.  I gots a time release capsule, take you all the way through the ending credits.”

“That sounds good.  How much?” I asked.

“Fifteen bucks,” he said, still looking around nervously.

“Gee that’s kind of steep.  I was planning on getting some popcorn and chocolate covered almonds.”

“Alright, alright, look you my boy.  I’m gonna hook you up.  I gots a syringe I can inject estrogen straight into your heart.  No extra charge.”

“Would I really need that?”

“Think about the previews dog.  That New Year’s movie and there’s one for Snow White.”

“Okay, but does it have to be in the heart?”

“The other option is in yo junk.”

“Gah, in the heart.  Here’s the cash.  Just do it!”

He slammed the needle into my chest and pressed the plunger.  Aside from a tingly feeling in my toes, I felt no different. 

“You okay dog?” he asked.

“Where did you get that jacket?”  I asked, “Because you look faaaabulous.”

“You’re good to go dog, enjoy the movie,” he said as he opened the door for me, such a gentleman. 

Oh the movie.  Every movie should start with an edgy Jacob ripping off his shirt, but no need to run away and turn into a dog.  Stay, boy, stay.  Good boy.

Bella should have shaved her legs before her honeymoon, why keep Edward waiting?  Why do you tease him like that?  Beside the fact that all the soccer moms have had their fill of Jake shirtless, we, I mean, they want Edward shirtless.  We, damn it, they have fallen for his romantic side, now let’s get down to business. 

Raise your hand if you were let down by the sex scene after the lead up, ie. “dangerous” and “you could kill her” .  All she had was a few bruises.  Ha!  I’ve had rug burns worse than that.  And who hasn’t broken a headboard or two in the heat of passion?

The whole scene where the dogs were talking to each other seemed contrived and disjointed.  While I am not a fan of subtitles, I think they would have conveyed the message in a less cheesy fashion.  BARK, BARK, BARK…You will not harm Bella, I am your new leader…Aaawoooooo!

Give me some more napkins. No, I’m not crying.  I rubbed my eyes after eating popcorn.  Okay, I was crying.  When Jacob saw that little baby and became its godfather that was the sweetest thing I’ve ever seen.  Then I wiped my eyes with my first napkin that had popcorn grease and salt on it and now I can’t stop crying.  You know he’s going to protect her forever.  It’s their most absolute law.  Did you eat all the chocolate covered almonds?  He has purpose now.  If Dakota Fanning shows up at the end I hope he marries her.  They would make such a sweet couple.  Their kids could play with Edward and Bella’s kid.  Wait, how did Herman and Lily Munster have a wolf boy son? 

Monday, December 5, 2011

Meanwhile, in the Jehovah's Witness chatroom...Plus bible verses

yawehiscool: 907 Wilson Street has a mean dog, the Lord told me I could skip that house
bibleocity: lol
hereforhim: my butt is tired from riding my bike
servinghusband: y'all let me go, gotta go wash hubby's uniform
bibleocity: later serving
yawehiscool: bye serving
yawehiscool: prayers up for you hereforhim
hereforhim: TY
yawehiscool: welcome
PTL: Wassuuup!!!
servinghusband: Oh Yaweh! PTL is back, Ezekiel's clothes will have to wait
yawehiscool: Convert any sinners today PTL?
PTL: No, they are all going to hell

Bible Verses

Revelations 6:6-9
6 And on the Sabbath I too came down from that hill. Mixeth myself a concoction with the firewaters of Bacardi and sat in the bubbling oasis, considering myself blessed.

7 Closing mine eyes and listening to the gulls I did dream.

8 And behold a pale Z71 and its rider was red of the neck. He and his minions were given power over one quarter of the earth. In my dream I drank firewater as I watched as forty and two riders thundered around an oval on a Sabbath afternoon. The demon appeared and snatcheth the firewater from mine hands and poured it onto the earth. Lo, I said, but the demon spoke in a tongue I did not understand. I told the demon to get hence for I bothereth no one. Dreams doth be weird, this I know. Somehow mine sandal became lodged in his buttocks and the demon left.

9 I awoke to find mine foot stuck in a bubbling hole in the oasis. I cursed the demon and his minions, sipped mine firewater and enjoyed the rest of mine Sabbath.

Genesis 4:17-18

17 Who be the Jezebel with orange loincloth and shiny legs tempting my palate with her spicy wings of chicken?

18 So shall she be called Tina. Partake of her fowl for it is clean. Alas, she doth not like to be looked in the eyes. Cast your gaze down, about the chest area.

Sunday, December 4, 2011

Antique Mall

My wife is not the only one who has a booth at Old South Antique Mall on Reeves Street in Dothan, AL.  I obtained this small spot by the back stairs recently to put the man oriented things and over flow from my wife's booth. Here's a couple of pics.

As you can see I collect damaged letters from work.  Some have trim, some do not.  What you see is what you get, with a couple of extra letters behind the door.  I have a couple of recurve bows for $35 each, an old level that goes for big bucks online.  A laminated map of the waterway at PCB.  An old gas/oil jug.  The back of an old wooden rocker which makes a great bulletin board.  Various old door knobs and door latch assemblies.  I added this weekend, some empty and clean wine bottles and a couple of books, North American Game Birds and the Hunter's Encyclopedia.