Tuesday, December 20, 2011

Hey Bella!!!

I took my wife to see the latest Twilight movie over the weekend.  This one’s title was somehow related to the sunrise.  Breaking Bad comes to mind but that’s a different story, let’s just call it Twilight number four. 

Because we were running a little late, I dropped her at the door so she could get tickets while I parked.  After parking, as I approached the door, a nervous looking guy asked if I was going to see Twilight.  Reluctantly I said I was. 

“Yo, man I got some black market estrogen.  You need a fix?” He asked.

“Well I sure do.  What have you got?”

“Check it out dog.  I gots a time release capsule, take you all the way through the ending credits.”

“That sounds good.  How much?” I asked.

“Fifteen bucks,” he said, still looking around nervously.

“Gee that’s kind of steep.  I was planning on getting some popcorn and chocolate covered almonds.”

“Alright, alright, look you my boy.  I’m gonna hook you up.  I gots a syringe I can inject estrogen straight into your heart.  No extra charge.”

“Would I really need that?”

“Think about the previews dog.  That New Year’s movie and there’s one for Snow White.”

“Okay, but does it have to be in the heart?”

“The other option is in yo junk.”

“Gah, in the heart.  Here’s the cash.  Just do it!”

He slammed the needle into my chest and pressed the plunger.  Aside from a tingly feeling in my toes, I felt no different. 

“You okay dog?” he asked.

“Where did you get that jacket?”  I asked, “Because you look faaaabulous.”

“You’re good to go dog, enjoy the movie,” he said as he opened the door for me, such a gentleman. 

Oh the movie.  Every movie should start with an edgy Jacob ripping off his shirt, but no need to run away and turn into a dog.  Stay, boy, stay.  Good boy.

Bella should have shaved her legs before her honeymoon, why keep Edward waiting?  Why do you tease him like that?  Beside the fact that all the soccer moms have had their fill of Jake shirtless, we, I mean, they want Edward shirtless.  We, damn it, they have fallen for his romantic side, now let’s get down to business. 

Raise your hand if you were let down by the sex scene after the lead up, ie. “dangerous” and “you could kill her” .  All she had was a few bruises.  Ha!  I’ve had rug burns worse than that.  And who hasn’t broken a headboard or two in the heat of passion?

The whole scene where the dogs were talking to each other seemed contrived and disjointed.  While I am not a fan of subtitles, I think they would have conveyed the message in a less cheesy fashion.  BARK, BARK, BARK…You will not harm Bella, I am your new leader…Aaawoooooo!

Give me some more napkins. No, I’m not crying.  I rubbed my eyes after eating popcorn.  Okay, I was crying.  When Jacob saw that little baby and became its godfather that was the sweetest thing I’ve ever seen.  Then I wiped my eyes with my first napkin that had popcorn grease and salt on it and now I can’t stop crying.  You know he’s going to protect her forever.  It’s their most absolute law.  Did you eat all the chocolate covered almonds?  He has purpose now.  If Dakota Fanning shows up at the end I hope he marries her.  They would make such a sweet couple.  Their kids could play with Edward and Bella’s kid.  Wait, how did Herman and Lily Munster have a wolf boy son? 


  1. Excellent work as always NC. Here's to hoping that the estrogen shot wore off with the end credits.

  2. Thanks for the spoilers, NC. Now I guess I don't even need to see the movie. Oh well, I didn't see the first three. Why bother now? Great post. Funny!