Thursday, August 16, 2012

Transylvania Transverse

This was for a local Halloween related story contest I didn't win so, enjoy.

I was there on Halloween night when the vampires made their presence known in Dothan. Ludwig Von Yellig, a local developer rumored to be a vampire, organized a press conference for a major announcement. Although he tried to put us at ease with his vampire charms, I was scared, we were all scared.

“Friends, I am a vampire,” Yellig said to the room of reporters and dignitaries. “And I am opening Transylvania Transverse, which will be a vampire based entertainment facility, right cheer in Dothan.” A few gasps were heard following the statement, not from his admission, vampires are quite common in Dothan, but the legality of blood sucking had yet to be decided by the State Legislature.

“Cool!” exclaimed Jim Cookery, a vertically challenged, local newspaper reporter. “Will you have hot vampire babes gallivanting around serving drinks?”

“But of course,” Yellig stated, adding, “as you can see in the brochure our wait staff will be wearing the latest styles, which includes short shorts and cowboy boots. Don’t judge us solely by the brochure though, as we will be a full family entertainment venue in the near future. But we will first build the Blood Sucking Complex to generate revenue for the first few years to secure bonds for future projects.”

“How did you get permits for that?” Cookery asked.

“Our attorney has worked tirelessly with the local commissioners to ensure that all of our paperwork is in order. Once our vampires have been checked out by the health department, we can commence the feasting.”

“Did you have to put the commissioners under a spell?” Cookery asked with a chuckle and laughter from the audience.

“It’s called glamouring Jim and no, I did not.” Yellig said as his pupils grew larger, his skinny jeans appeared skinnier and he began to overall sparkle, which could have been glitter in his spray tan. “As a matter of fact they all thought it was a great idea, as all of you do now. You are all mighty impressed with me right about now and will do as I command.”

Everyone in attendance nodded their heads at each other in agreement. Yellig was a convincing vampire.

Suddenly one of Dothan’s prominent citizens, Don Watson, rushed into the room waving the good book over his head while shouting, “Stop right there Yellig! Blood sucking is illegal in this here state and the good people of Dothan will not participate in your scam.”

Yellig bared his fangs and hissed. “This ain’t no scam. The people of Dothan want this.”

“Yeah, what business is it of yours if I want to be sucked dry,” one of the local citizens said, and several others agreed with him.

Watson opened the good book, which was a fake and hollowed out to store a wood stake; he pulled out the stake and held it high while he approached Yellig. “Get back, get back you lecherous being. I want the podium for a minute, if you please.”

“Go ahead,” Yellig said as he backed away.

“Good people of Dothan,” Watson began.

“Cough, land hoarder, cough,” Yellig mumbled as he acted out a cough.

Watson gave him the stink eye and continued, “Good people of Dothan, this man is a vampire, he admits that and now he wants to openly take your blood right here in Dothan but I will not allow it. I don’t care what the commissioners say, this is illegal.”

A gentleman in the audience raised his hand, “Excuse me but I thought passing the local ordinance made it legal and besides, the Red Cross has been taking blood for years.”

“Friends,” Yellig interrupted, “did I mention we plan to give twenty percent of the blood to the Red Cross.”

“You will suck these people dry and drain the life out of this town,” Watson said.

Yellig put his hands up in protest. “No, no, no! Look at your brochures. The Haunted Hotel we have planned in phase two of development will attract out of town visitors.”

“It’s a whore house!” Watson screamed.

"I’ll have you know my momma is gonna be the first guest to stay at the hotel.” Yellig said as if his feelings were truly hurt. “Now friends, you know my momma and my daddy. They were raised right here in this fine town by their mommas and daddies. And I got my raisins from my folks, the same as you got, and you got and you got," he said as he pointed to people around the room. He snatched the good book from Watson's hand, shook it in the air and studied it for a moment before continuing. "Well friends I doubt there's anything in this book about punishing people for the food they eat to survive." A few members of the audience shifted their eyes around to the room but no one wanted to interrupt, he was on a roll. “I tell you friends. I know. I know a man has to work hard to put a meal on the table. A vampire’s got to eat too. We just want to share our blessings with you, show you a good time, play a little Polka music, who doesn’t like Polka music, Harley I know you do.” He said with a smile, pointing to a friend in the crowd, they were eating it up, laughing amongst themselves, Harley started a little soft shoe, all were smiling…”Heck we might even play a little bingo.”

“I’ll kill you!” Watson screamed as he raised the wood stake to Yellig, but the vampire was too quick. Yellig knocked the stake away and sank his teeth into Watson’s neck. He fed for a moment then opened his eyes and noticed the room of people staring at him. Yellig released Watson and eased him into a chair. He wiped the excess blood from his lips and smacked his fingertips. No one else in the room moved.

“I’m sorry y’all. I got a little carried away.”

“You kilt him,” came a cry from the room.

“No I didn’t,” Yellig stated tersely, “He’ll be fine in a day or two. As a matter of fact, every patron bitten has gets a chance on a new Corvette to be given away each month. Now who likes that? And when I say who likes that I mean all of you would like a chance at that now wouldn’t you?

Then his eyes started doing that thing and he looked glittery again. I don’t remember what happened next.


  1. NC, thank you for the chuckles this morning. I'm going to be interested to read the winning story now.

  2. Ludwig Von Yellig? My mind is awash in weird thoughts. A great post.