Bama Belles

“Ack!”  Stokes exclaimed.

“Boss, Boss, what is it?”  Keppy asked.

“What the heck did you just send me?” Stokes said pointing at his computer monitor.

“Oh, that’s a commercial for the new Bama Belles show.”

“I can see that but why did you send it to me?”

“Just a reminder in case you want to watch it,” Keppy said apologetically as he noticed Stokes releasing the snap on his holster.  

“Is it some kind of cooking and cleaning the house show?”  Stokes asked.

“Naw boss, these women do all kinds of things.”

“Well who is that man riding the motorcycle?”

“I don’t know him, must be their accountant.”

“Are you going to watch this?” Stokes asked.

“I sure am, Amie is kind of cute.”

BLAM

“Ow, why did you shoot me?”  Keppy pleaded.

“Because you’re stupid.  It’s just a flesh wound; you’ll be fine in a couple of days.”

“I know, but…”

“But nothing.  Look at that one woman, is she getting sassy?”

“I like women with a little sass.”

“Shouldn’t this be on the Bravo channel?”

“Well in the bio it says one of them chews tobacco.”

“Good point, but still I am trying to understand why this is happening.  I thought TLC was The Learning Channel.  Is this reverse psychology?  How not to act.”

“I’m hoping one episode will have them all in bikinis out by the pool.  Amie calls over her studly pool boy, played by me, to rub suntan lotion…”

“Stop right there.  You know I stagger my bullets, hardball, hollow point, hardball, hollow point, etc.  The next one is going to hurt.”

Martin asks...

I respect Martin for challenging ones intelligence.  He asked on a forum:  Let’s think about the persuasion of postmodernity in the presence of conflicting world views in SE Alabama. I’ve studied the philosophical views of Alasdair MacIntyre for over 20 years. A quote from his book “After Virtue” may be helpful. “My argument was thus to the effect that emotivism informs a great deal of contemporary moral utterance and practice and more specifically that the central characters of modern society – in the special sense which I assigned to the word character- embody such emotivist modes in their behavior . These characters, It will be recalled, are the aesthete, the therapist and the manager, the bureaucratic expert. The historical discussion of those developments which made the victories of emotivism possible has now reveled something else about these specifically modern characters, namely the extent to which they trade and cannot escape trading in moral fiction. But how far does the range of moral fiction extend beyond those of rights and utility? And who is going to be deceived by them?” (After Virtue, page 73)

My answer: 

The challenge to your conceit lies in the first sentence with the persuasion of post-modernity in this region.  Please give an example. The successful socio-political landscape, to me, is cultivated by the strictest of traditionalists, never sowing a seed of disharmony among the majority.  This region is steeped in tradition with the aesthete character being most likely to influence/emotivate popular opinion contrary to modernist views. Sadly, the aesthete overpowers the intellectual, not even listed as a character.  Why?  Power of persuasion, views contrary to popular opinion, and something that surely has been studied by now but I will call ease of information.  I was discussing with Mitchell (son) the other night the multitude of information available, but it’s quantity over quality. 

As far as the moral fiction affecting rights and utility, I see the fiction as presented by the therapist (modern day bloggers), post-internet, as a major concern.  Information is consumed and reprocessed, without validation or fact from bloggers at a rate unseen before, influencing the masses with more traditionalist views, giving post-modernity little grasp on which to succeed.

Late Night Whim Style appearance.

Here is my serious appearance on Late Night Whim Style. I hope to be a more regular guest, maybe adding some kind of Paul Harvey commentary. I know, I really need to do something more stylish with my hair.

Tommy on Late Night Whim Style

Cat Food

So I took my wife to see Salt for her birthday date last night. Walmart afterward for cat food. Wait in the car honey, I can make it to the back of the store quickly. Walking into the foyer the greeter greets me, but he is holding some kind of weapon. It is a price gun! Block, block, punch, twist his arm, disarm him, price gun blow to the back of his head. He is out, keep moving, price gun thrown in trash recepticle.

As I walk by the little stand set up for sampling some new flavor of Triscuit crackers I recognize the hair-netted lady passing out the samples. She’s a Russian spy! Sir, vould you like to try zees new Treeescit? As I reach for a sample she throws the tray’s contents in my face. Gaaah! Triscuit in my eyes! I’m blind! Luckily Russian spies are notorious for their cheap perfume. The overwhelming stench of her Enjolie perfume makes her easy to track. She tries hitting me with the tray, I punch block it. It shatters. I feel for a piece of the tray on the floor and relieve her carotid artery of its pressure. One less Rusky, on to the cat food.

I walk by a squabbling family of North Koreans, I don’t know if they recognized me. The mom reaches into her purse and brings out an AK-47, yep, I’ve been made. Luckily the front site hung on the shoulder strap which bought me valuable seconds during which I forcefully placed the dad’s head inside a casaba melon from the produce department. Daughter thrown into the freezer section, next to the frozen peas. The mom finally got the AK out of her purse and released a hailstorm of lead. I dove for the men’s department and hid in the Troy University apparel thinking the clothing was mostly uninspiring, and it was, she lost me.

I made my way through the children’s section by way of belly crawl until I came across a pair of high heels. I looked up to see Evelyn Salt, who looks a lot like Angelina Jolie. She picked me up and kissed me, then stood back and laughed like a crazy woman. After a moment she had a worried look on her face, then she coughed and started foaming at the mouth. CIA issued chapstick is pretty much worthless for chapped lips but works wonders reversing lipstick based poison. I moved on.

I finally reached the cat food isle, just in time for a barrage of machine gun fire. I dove for the Wiskas Perfectly Fish, the one with the Tuna Entrée. He is such a spoiled cat.

Kevin Presley Returns

“Helen, it’s ten o’clock.  Put down those crocheting needles and come watch the news,” Martha said.

“I’m coming, I’m coming.  Ooh I’m so excited Kevin Presley is back with WDHN News 18, where Dothan’s First,” Helen said.

“Me too.  Sit down, I poured you some buttermilk with cornbread.”

“I would like to dip Kevin Presley in some buttermilk.”

“Helen!  I swanee.”

“Oh Martha you think he’s handsome too.”

“Hush up now, it’s coming on.”  Martha said.

Good evening and thank your for tuning to WDHN News, I’m Kevin Presley.  Dothan police are investigating a stolen…

“What in the Hades is this?”  Helen asked.

“What happened to his hair?”  Martha asked.  “It looks brown now, used to be black.”

“It was black.  Something else is different.  It could be the sideburns or he is trimming his hair too close on the sides.”

“Makes his head look too skinny.  Do you think his wife is feeding him enough?” 

“Well, sister, he could come over here and I would keep him fed.”  Helen said, holding back a coy smile.

“Helen, you’re terrible.  Hey, you dated Ken Curtis before he shipped off for the D-Day invasion.  Give him a call and find out what’s going on with KP’s hair.”

Helen called WDHN and asked for Ken Curtis.  After a few moments he picked up the phone.

"Ken…guess who…no, not that young bitty Jenna…it’s Helen Russo…fine and you…oh Ken I know you are…what….well I haven’t in a long time…I supposed I could just for you tiger…Oh Ken, you man you…say Ken, let me ask you a question…what happened to Kevin’s hair…what…no need to get testy Ken…no, I…Ken…Ken.  Martha I think he hung up on me.”  Helen said.

“He was always jealous of your boyfriends,” Martha added.

“Some people never change,” Helen pondered, “but some do.”  She closed her eyes and focused on Kevin Presley’s voice.  She imagined him with longer, blacker hair, his sideburns full and neatly styled, he was shirtless and riding a horse as he spoke of the local news, his chest hair flowing with a gentle summer breeze.

Late Night Whim Style

Thanks so much for watching the show.  I hope you enjoyed it.  My email address is at the top of the page if you would like to contact me, but here it is again.  notconcernedwriting@gmail.com

Here is a link to my book "And The Egret Cawed" by Thomas Gilbert
And The Egret Cawed by Thomas Gilbert


Here are a few links to some of my favorite stories.  Of course the best way to enjoy the stories is to read until you get to the bottom of the page then hit Older Posts.  You will find hours of humorous stories.

March Archives, where it all started

A story about our dog Raschal

Wilson House Bed and Breakfast

Bacardi Silver Mojito

Rickey Stokes Attempts Hostile Takeover of WTVY

Rickey Stokes and the Hardridge Creek Yacht Club Part 3

Wiregrass Man Of The Year


Here is my wife Kay's blog.  She is an Interior Designer / Decorator.  Here you can see several of the projects we have built over the years.  I build them and she finishes them, making the things I made look really beautiful.  Most of the items you see have already been sold.  As you can see we have very affordable prices and our items don't last long.

http://designwithk.blogspot.com/

http://designwithk.blogspot.com/2010/05/happy-memorial-day.html


http://designwithk.blogspot.com/2010/05/arti-love-to-use-everyday-ordinary.html

http://designwithk.blogspot.com/2010/05/happy-mothers-day-new-merchandisenot.html


http://designwithk.blogspot.com/2010/04/my-new-project-what-do-you-think.html


http://designwithk.blogspot.com/2010/04/restired-sheraton-chest-and-peek-into.html

http://designwithk.blogspot.com/2010/03/spring-it-is-time-for-some-color.html

http://designwithk.blogspot.com/2009/09/studio-enve-eufaula-al.html

http://designwithk.blogspot.com/2009/08/how-to-build-primitve-farm-table.html

Gaga

“Damnit son, you almost got me that time. What’s on your mind, cause I know it ain’t giggin frogs.” Randy asked of his best friend Jim.

“Sorry bout that Randy. Eileen thinks I have gone off the deep end.” Jim said.

“Uh oh, what happened?”

“Well last night we saw that there Lady Gaga on TV and I made a comment that she was lookin good.”

“And what did she throw at you?” Randy asked.

“Nothin, she just looked at me like I was crazy and said she was a nasty Madonner wannabe.” Jim said.

“Whoa right there son. There is only one Madonner.”

“I heard that.” Jim said in agreement.

“Madonner’s arms is lookin too skinny though. She needs a big ole plate of purple hull peas and mustard greens with a hamhock.”

“And some fried pork chops.”

“Amen to that brother.”

“You thinkin what I’m thinkin?”

“Madonner in that Vogue video?”

“With the shirt you could see through?”

“Yep.”

“I heard that.”

Slocomb Pizza

When you think of Slocomb what comes to mind?  That's right, you think of Italy.  Last night I made some Slocomb Pizza and I wanted to share the recipe with you.  Walmart has some really soft pre-sliced Italian loafs.  On top of that I added some Rondele spread.  Then a layer of deli ham.

Followed that with a thin sliced Slocomb Tomato.  Topped it all off with some various shredded cheese we had, Mozzarella, Parmesan and Romano.

Broiled them on high for a few minutes and below is the finished Slocomb Pizza.  I topped it off with salt and pepper.  Dipped them in a bowl of extra virgin olive oil and balsamic vinegar.  You have to let the pizza sit in that mix for a few seconds before the balsamic gets to the bread.  Once it does it is very good.

Consolidation of Dothan City Schools

Officials with the Board of Education are excited about a new rung on the social ladder resulting from the consolidation of Dothan High School and Northview High School.  I spoke with Sam Nichols and several parents.

“Blue Necks is my choice,” Superintendent Sam Nichols said in reference to the new class of student expected to attend the consolidated high school.  “Dothan has a rich history of high class citizens which stretches back, shoot, some 90 years.  We hope that by integrating the Northview blue blood students with the inner city youth of Dothan High we will finally achieve parity amongst the children.”

Some parents of Northview students are worried that the consolidation will lead to a thinning of the bloodlines.

“Suppose my darling Bethanny dates a boy with a commoners name, such as James or Tim.  Oh it breaks my heart.  I have been priming her to marry that Winston boy from Spann Farm since she was three.”  An anonymous woman said.

Several parents of Dothan High students expressed optimism toward the consolidation.

“My boy Tim says he can charge 30 bucks for a dime bag, and those Northview students will pay it.  Can you imagine 30 bucks for a little bag of Mexican dirt weed?  That’s insane.”  One unnamed parent said.

“I am hoping my daughter is in a class with that Cranston boy,” Roy Burns added.  “His father has some primo hunting land.  I mean, that’s what it’s all about, right.  I would return the favor too.  We take my truck up to Talladega twice a year, line the bed with plastic and fill it up with water.  It makes a hot tub, get it?  I run a hose from the exhaust into the hot tub and it makes bubbles.  Pretty cool huh?”

“I heard that.” This reporter added.

WDHN Weather Woman Vicki Graf is now Southern

A team of scientists and doctors from Southeast Alabama Medical Center announced this morning that they have successfully converted WDHN’s weather woman Vicki Graf to a southerner. 

Lead scientist, Doctor Otto Rinjinsonjinson, was all smiles as he presented the new Vicki Graf at a press conference this morning.  “I would like to introduce to you our newest southern belle, Vicki Graf,” Dr. Otto said, adding, “As most of you know, Vicki was immune to customary methods of southernization, such as consuming mass quantities of Miller Lite and smoking Kool cigarettes.  We were required to perform a stem cell transplant.”

“Hey y’all.  It’s gone rain Fridee.” Vicki added.

“Hoooeee, now she sounds as good as she looks, shore nuff.”  Reporter Jim Cook said.

“Shut your trap Jim, Doctor, where did you find stem cells strong enough and in such quantities?”

“That’s a good question.  Our researchers combed the jungles of the Florida Panhandle for the perfect specimen, and we found him, none other that the infamous Red Holland.  Our researchers found him on what appeared to be a hot bed of crappie.  He was disarmed of his cane pole and brought back for the procedure.”

“Doctor Otto, the procedure appears to be successful for Vicki, but how is Red?”

“To soon to tell, we scooped out a lot of his stem cells.  After the procedure he awoke screaming “Haw! Haw!””

“But didn’t he do that before?”

“Yes he did, we are hoping he will be an inexhaustible supply of southern stem cells.”

“Now that you are southern, what’s the first thing you want to do Vicki?”

“Ahm own go to Drifter’s”

“Sorry Doll, but they is closed.”  Jim Cook said.

“Sheeeeuuuut!”

“Aha” Doctor Otto exclaimed.  “Yankees normally say that word in point 2 milliseconds, it must have taken her a good three seconds to say it.”

“Vicki, tell us the first word you uttered after the procedure.”

“Camaro.”

“It’s a miracle, congratulations Doctor!”

The Salvation of Billy Wayne Carter

Please help support another local writer, M. David Hornbuckle.  I say local because he is from Dothan but now lives in NYC.  His book is The Salvation of Billy Wayne Carter.  Here is a link to his book.  Wishing success to you Hornbuckle.  http://billywaynecarter.com/

Jennifer and Brad

Jennifer was doing the birthday dance in her birthday suit when suddenly the doorbell rang.  She threw on a silky negligee from Victoria's Secret in Wiregrass Commons Mall and answered the door.  She was surprised to find Brad Pitt, the actor standing in her doorway, but she kept her cool.  "Can I help you?"

"So sorry to bother you ma'am but I have run out of gas and was wondering if I could use your phone?"

"Certainly, come in.  I'm Jennifer" 

"My name is Brad Pitt, I'm an actor."

"Oh really."

"Yes, I'm shooting a movie up at the school."

"Oh, you must be exhausted, would you like some sweet tea, Brad?"

"Yes ma'am."

She opened the refrigerator and bent over as far as she could, frantically searching the crisper drawer for her pitcher of sweet tea.  He could see the pitcher sitting on the top shelf, but allowed her to continue her search as he was enjoying the view.  "Oh silly me," she said.  "Here it is on the top shelf."

She held a glass up to refrigerator's ice dispenser, as she pressed the button it made an awful churning sound but no ice came out.  "Here, let me help you," Brad Pitt said.  He wrapped his hand around hers and pushed the glass against the ice dispensing button.  "You have to be patient, sometimes it takes a gentle hand, other times a firm hand, but if you continue to press the button, the ice will come."

She stared into his eyes as he was concentrating on the glass, massaging it ever so gently against the button.  Soon, the ice flowed, taking her by surprise.  She poured the sweet tea into his glass.  "Here, let me sweeten that up for you."  Jennifer said as she licked her index finger ferociously swished it in his tea glass.  Brad Pitt smiled, taking the glass of tea.  He drank it in several long gulps, his eyes fixed on hers.  "Aahh." he said as he finished, catching his breath.

She raised an eyebrow, impressed with his thirst for something southern and sweet.

And The Egret Cawed on Amazon

Finally my book is available on Amazon.com click here for the book

http://www.amazon.com/Egret-Cawed-Thomas-Gilbert/dp/0557183421/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1263850275&sr=8-1

Community Service Announcement

Doris Hackenby, the Regional Director of Leisure Arts, Services and Suits has requested a truce between the major fighting factions downtown. Specifically Ms. Doris, as she is so lovingly referred, said she would have “no more of the shenanigans” that occurred Saturday night at the Cultural Arts Center. “Apparently, there was a scheduling conflict in one of our classrooms. The Latin Ballroom Dance class was scheduled at the same time as the Watercolors: Discovering Your Inner Butterfly class, in the same room no less.” Ms. Doris said, adding, “Watercolor artists are known for their quick tempers and itchy trigger fingers. Of course the dancers proclaiming how fabulous they are compared to other art mediums didn’t help matters. There was a heated exchange of words that led out to the street, even the pitiable scrapbookers got involved. Luckily the police arrived just in time or I would be cleaning a mess a pastel and glitter today.”