Wednesday, August 18, 2010

Cat Food

So I took my wife to see Salt for her birthday date last night. Walmart afterward for cat food. Wait in the car honey, I can make it to the back of the store quickly. Walking into the foyer the greeter greets me, but he is holding some kind of weapon. It is a price gun! Block, block, punch, twist his arm, disarm him, price gun blow to the back of his head. He is out, keep moving, price gun thrown in trash recepticle.

As I walk by the little stand set up for sampling some new flavor of Triscuit crackers I recognize the hair-netted lady passing out the samples. She’s a Russian spy! Sir, vould you like to try zees new Treeescit? As I reach for a sample she throws the tray’s contents in my face. Gaaah! Triscuit in my eyes! I’m blind! Luckily Russian spies are notorious for their cheap perfume. The overwhelming stench of her Enjolie perfume makes her easy to track. She tries hitting me with the tray, I punch block it. It shatters. I feel for a piece of the tray on the floor and relieve her carotid artery of its pressure. One less Rusky, on to the cat food.

I walk by a squabbling family of North Koreans, I don’t know if they recognized me. The mom reaches into her purse and brings out an AK-47, yep, I’ve been made. Luckily the front site hung on the shoulder strap which bought me valuable seconds during which I forcefully placed the dad’s head inside a casaba melon from the produce department. Daughter thrown into the freezer section, next to the frozen peas. The mom finally got the AK out of her purse and released a hailstorm of lead. I dove for the men’s department and hid in the Troy University apparel thinking the clothing was mostly uninspiring, and it was, she lost me.

I made my way through the children’s section by way of belly crawl until I came across a pair of high heels. I looked up to see Evelyn Salt, who looks a lot like Angelina Jolie. She picked me up and kissed me, then stood back and laughed like a crazy woman. After a moment she had a worried look on her face, then she coughed and started foaming at the mouth. CIA issued chapstick is pretty much worthless for chapped lips but works wonders reversing lipstick based poison. I moved on.

I finally reached the cat food isle, just in time for a barrage of machine gun fire. I dove for the Wiskas Perfectly Fish, the one with the Tuna Entrée. He is such a spoiled cat.


  1. You are just too funny!

    So tell me, what happened next? Does the story end with you being led out of the walmart in handcuffs, waving to your wife just before being thrown into the back of the police cruiser?

    And the biggest question of all - does she get the cat food?

  2. I had to leave so I ended it there. I hope to get more on there. You get the idea though.