Correspondence

Good Day Mrs. Not Concerned

My name is the good Reverend Klench Michiques and I am coming to you from Nigeria, Mnumbuku Province. Our Church of the Holy Gnu wishes to participate in the givings to Mr. Not Concerned and family. Mr. Concerned is a most gracious friend to our Church. We have on many times accepted his hospitality. On this day now I wish to refund his hospitality in making a gift to him in US dollars. However, recently in past days I now know why I cannot reach him at his work emails. I am so sorry for his discomfort at the hands of the renegade Mr. Stokes causing his knees to be most broken from the Lewybill Sluggar. The members of the Church of the Holy Gnu wish to make penance upon Mr. Concerned in the amount of US $5000.00. However as you see we cannot reach him and wish to make surprise for him. Please, can you send me his contact information, social security numbers and direct deposit routing numbers to his chequing accounts.

Many Blessings upon you Mrs. Concerned
Reverend Klench Michiques


Dear Reverend Michiques,
Mr. Notconcerned is slowly healing at the Southeast Alabama Medical Center. Not only did Stokes break his kneecaps, but he also broke several fingers, making it hard to type. I know he appreciates your emails and the pictures you sent from the village. He wanted me to ask how the Lamisil is working for young Tutukana.

Can you help us out by sending a rabid baboon to the offices of Mr. Stokes, preferably with a “Krispy Kreme Donuts Inside” label attached. I am sure it would bring joy to his heart and lift his spirits.

Sincerely
Mrs. Notconcerned


Dear Mrs. Not Concerned
My heart is sad to hear of Mr. Concerneds hands. The Church of the Holy Gnu will commence special services with the sacrifice of kinukach. Most assuredly this will cause his great relief and allow him to send the information requested of Social Security numbers and bank routing numbers. We are most urgent to get this information as our church has now raised US $9000 in the helping of good health toward Mr. Concerneds.

Alas there is a baboon shortage in my village. I can send to you a how to make baboon stew that will surely lift his spirits and nourish his wounds. Have you baboons in your village for making of the stew?

Good wishes
Reverend Klench Michiques

Shocking News Concerning Greg Dee

Shocking News Concerning Greg Dee
3/18/08

Local residents say they were shocked to learn that WDHN Meteorologist Greg Dee has only recently received his Seal of Approval from the American Meteorological Society.

Thelma Purdue, of Webb, led an angry mob to the WDHN studios this morning, demanding satisfaction. “We want to know what kind of scam Greg Dee has been pulling and for how long?” Purdue demanded. “Has our weather been accurate or what?”

The mob was kept out of the building by the imposing figure of non other than Ken Curtis. With Ken Curtis watching the crowd Greg Dee came out to soothe them.

“Your weather is accurate and reliable.” Greg Dee said, adding, “It always has been. I was just certified by the AMS.”

From the crowd came a shout, “Oh yeah, is it partly cloudy or partly sunny?”

Ken Curtis made a move for the crowd, “Who said that?”

Greg Dee placed a hand on Ken Curtis’ arm. “No Ken Curtis, now is not the time for violence. Let me speak to them.” Greg Dee opened his arms to the crowd and spoke, “Good people of Webb, the weather is not black and white. It is a combination of fronts and systems sometimes too complex for categorizing with a simple partly this or 30 percent chance of that. Actually, just now, as I study this area, I find we are in an Adiabatic Process, which is in essence a thermodynamic change of state in a system in which there is no transfer of heat or mass across the boundaries of the system. In this process, compression will result in a warming…wait, where are you going? I am Greg Dee, hear my forecast”

Ken Curtis stopped him, “It’s too late kid. They started leaving ten minutes ago.”

Kevin Presley Wins Best Sideburns

The National Broadcasters Association recently awarded WDHN news anchor Kevin Presley for having “Best Sideburns”. Presley said he was honored by the award and hopes his sideburns bring prosperity to the Wiregrass area.

“Thank you NBA and thank you Wiregrass”, Presley said, in reference to the award. “As far as I know, no one in the Dothan area has ever been bestowed this high honor. John Williams got Best Hair in 1984 and 1985, but nothing compares to Best Sideburns. I worked hard for these sideburns, my stylist and burns were recently featured on the cover of Men’s Health magazine. Yesterday morning Wendell Stepp informed me that the City of Dothan is commissioning a mural of my sideburns to go on the WTVY building, pretty sweet deal.”

Co-anchor Jenna Zibton nominated Presley for the highly coveted award. “My girlfriends are so jealous that I get to sit next to Kevin and deliver the news everyday.” Zibton said, adding “Greg Dee is our super intelligent meet…meteor…weatherman and Kim Allen is your basic muscle man jock, but Kevin Presley, is like Burt Reynolds without the mustache.”

General Manager Janie Hinson stated “Occasionally a small market station like WDHN will find truly great anchor like Kevin. Since John Williams retired, the Dothan area has been lacking a real man to deliver the nightly news. We are the most watched news program among 18 to 65 year old women in the Wiregrass. I think there is a good reason for that, those sideburns are a trusted news source.”

Study Finds Redneck Women Attracted To Big Loud Pickup Trucks

Study Finds Redneck Women Attracted To Big Loud Pickup Trucks
2/19/08

A recent study by the National Association of Women finds that redneck women are three times more likely to be attracted to a man driving a truck with large mud tires and loud mufflers. Dr. Janice Goodall stated several of her colleagues were surprised at the results of the study. “As times change, so do people,” Dr. Goodall said, “previously we thought two of the main indicators which attracted redneck women were worn ring in the back pocket of a man’s pants caused by a can of Skoal and sleeveless t-shirts imprinted with a Confederate flag.”

Brain activity was monitored while test subjects were shown flash cards of various automobiles. Whereas an image of a late model family car in good condition showed little to no brain activity, the image of a slightly rusted 1996 Chevy Z71 with Super Swamper tires produced the highest results.

The study also measured estrogen output when exposed to certain sounds. Dr. Goodall was surprised with the results adding, “As an educated woman I find the sound of George Clooney reading the Magna Carta somewhat of an aphrodisiac. Rednecks were extremely turned on by the sound of Flowmaster exhaust systems. If you are not familiar, it sounds somewhat like an automobile without a muffler. Very loud and totally devoid of benefit to the mechanical operation of the vehicle.”

Slocomb Annexed By Mexico

Slocomb Annexed By Mexico
2/13/08

Mexican President Felipe Calderone announced the annexation of the town of Slocomb Wednesday. Slocomb Mayor Vicki Moore welcomed the annexation as a sign of coming prosperity.

Mayor Moore said “It was the best thing for our community. We have more illegal immigrant tomato pickers than citizens born and raised in our area. President Calderone was kind enough to let us keep the name Slocomb for the town, he was going to rename it El Tomate. Our only regret is that all future Tomato Queens must be of Mexican descent.”

Mexican officials said the dilapidated downtown area feels very “homey” to them. The buildings remind them of most any Mexican shantytown well south of the border. Regional Planning Director, Javier Lopez said the task of bringing the Slocomb area up to Mexican standards should not take too long. “We are almost there, we will replace trailers with pueblos” Lopez said, adding “I must get a new truck that sounds of no muffler, Gringo’s new trucks do that, you must drive a truck many years in Mexico for the same sound.”

Local resident, Bubba Jenkins felt melancholy over the annexation. Jenkins said, “I ain’t learnin to speak no Mexican, I tell you that right now, but a siesta everyday, I heard that.”

Local Woman Hospitalized Over Lack Of Grey’s Anatomy

Local Woman Hospitalized Over Lack Of Grey’s Anatomy
2/18/08

Headland resident Tammy Holland was hospitalized yesterday, in serious condition, from what doctors speculate is a lack of new episodes of Grey’s Anatomy. Ms. Holland was found in her home babbling “McDreamy…McDreamy…McDreamy”. Upon arrival at Southeast Alabama Medical Center she was upgraded to stable condition.

Dr. Sam Jacobson attributed her improvement to seeing a bunch of doctors involved with tomfoolery. “The familiarity of white lab coats immediately soothed Ms. Holland,” Dr. Jacobson said adding, “The Hollywood writer’s strike has affected people in our community. We don’t have anyone here who looks like Patrick Dempsey, but she did tell me I have romantic eyes. We started her on a small dose of season two’s DVD box set, and have seen major improvements.”

Local Man Gets A “Bitchin” Mullet

Local Man Gets A “Bitchin” Mullet
2/26/08
Derrick Johnson is truly happy with his latest haircut, a mullet. “It’s a bitchin mullet”, Johnson said, “I ain’t believin how good it looks. I done went to the southside Walmart and had to wait forty-five minutes fer a haircut, but it was worth it. All business in the front and a party going on out back. Now I am gonna detail my Camaro and cruise the mall.”

Local Man Volunteers To Massage Teachers At Rehobeth Schools

Local Man Volunteers To Massage Teachers At Rehobeth Schools
2/20/08

Upon hearing students are no longer allowed to massage female teachers at Rehobeth schools, Jimmy Tucker volunteered his services. Tucker, often referred to as the “Weirdo”, said he would be happy to give female teachers an occasional massage. “When I heard the students weren’t supposed to do that anymore, I thought this is my best chance to get close to a woman”, Tucker said. “I ain’t never been married, maybe I can find me a wife at the school. Heck, I would even massage a gym teacher.”

Rehobeth school officials could not be reached for comment.

Local Church Theft, Satan Suspected

Local Church Theft, Satan Suspected
2/21/08

The air conditioning unit from New Mt. Zion Holiness Church was stolen Wednesday night, Pastor Joe Barnes blames Satan. “He is responsible for all of the unrighteousness in the world,” Pastor Barnes said. “He is the root of all evil, condemned to hell by the graces of our heavenly father. You find him, and you will find our air conditioner.”

Houston County Sheriff’s Deputies believe the thief will probably sell the copper in the air conditioner to a recycling center. Deputies have contacted several recyclers in the area in hopes of catching Satan. Satan is described as being 6 feet tall, weighing 200 pounds, red skin, horns on the forehead, a long whip like tail and may possibly be carrying a pitchfork. If you encounter someone matching this description please contact Crimestoppers at 793-7000.

WDHN News Anchor Kevin Presley Facts

Kevin Presley doesn’t flub his lines like Jenna Zibton.

Kevin Presley laughs at his co-anchor off camera

Kevin Presley has perfect Hair

Kevin Presley can bench press a Honda Civic

Last name Presley, probably father to Elvis

Kevin Presley was previously a wrestler named “Alabama Slamma”, from parts unknown

Kevin Presley could easily handle the WTVY news at the same time, just doesn’t like CBS

Kevin Presley once fought Chuck Norris to a draw

Kevin Presley has killer sideburns

Most people work at the mall for a side job, Kevin Presley preaches the word of God

Kevin Presley, unlike Greg Dee, knows the difference between partly cloudy and partly sunny

Kevin Presley taught Ken Curtis how to be cool

We will get the I10 connector when Kevin Presley is damn well ready for it

John Williams retired because he heard Kevin Presley was coming to town

Only Kevin Presley could make the Wiregrass news interesting

Hurricane Katrina was actually Kevin Presley blow drying his hair

Kevin Presley’s fists are considered weapons of mass destruction

If Kevin Presley worked for Rickey Stokes News all of the words would be spelled correctly

Kevin Presley humbly declined having Country Crossing named Kevin Presleyland

67% of Wiregrass women miss the news due to fainting after seeing Kevin Presley’s handsome face

I10 Connector Finalized

I10 Connector Finalized, ALDOT Director Hopes “Everyone Will Just Shut Up About This”
2/16/08

Alabama Department of Transportation Director Bill Frisk finalized the plans for the Interstate 10 connector for the Dothan area this morning. Frisk posted the following comments for all news outlets, refusing any additional comment.

From The Desk of William “Bill” Frisk, ALDOT Director
“Governor Riley is tired of hearing about this I10 connector thing and so am I. He told me to come up with something just so everyone will shut up about this. So here is the plan. Say goodbye to Dothan, it will be razed. We are going to run six lanes of interstate from Montgomery all the way through what used to be Dothan, down to Interstate 10 at Marianna. We got tired of hearing everybody bitch about it, so there you go. The Governor said he wanted to keep a few landmarks so we will spare the Cowboys and probably Applebees. Everything else will be gone. The city of Donalsonville, Georgia wants has asked for “as much scrap lumber as they can get” from the demolishing of Dothan. I think they want to build a new school or something.”

Gay Community Split Over Jeff Gordon’s Hairstyle

Gay Community Split Over Jeff Gordon’s Hairstyle
2/14/08

Nascar Racing Champion Jeff Gordon may have lost a few fans after his latest visit to Great Clips. Gordon was the most popular driver among gay fans, until he changed his hairstyle.

Chase Billingsly, Chairman of the Dothan Club “Gays Love Jeff” said his organization is in turmoil over Gordon’s latest decision. “Our little club is really divided right now”, Billingsly said, “Some like him with short hair, others like me, love his longer, flowing sexy locks. How can you resist that man jumping around after a victory covered in Pepsi? I wear his cologne everyday, it has a hint of motor oil, you know?”

Club member Cleveland Pattison is happy Gordon switched back to shorter hair. “Give me Jeff Gordon with short hair, a little beard stubble, his driving suit open for his chest hair to show, then throw in the smell of burning rubber and I am in Heaven! Have mercy!” Pattison exclaimed.

Jeff Gordon could not be reached for comment.

Air Force Test - Fun Game - What Is Your Best Time

Someone sent me this game. The Air Force Test, is very simple. Move the red block without hitting a blue block or the retaining walls. I bet you play more than once. Click here to take the Air Force Test. http://members.iinet.net.au/~pontipak/redsquare.html