Saturday, January 14, 2012

How to get that shabby chic look.

Shabby Chic is a look that has been done again and again in our antique booth. And why not, people love it and it is so easy. You can do it too. The following example is in black.


Here we have a little cabinet with a drawer and door. Refinishing the wood to perfection is not something I do, as you know I do most of my work on the deck or in the back yard. Sometimes it is fun. With the shabby look you don't have to worry about mistakes, because you are making a piece look aged in a short period of time.


This piece is made of all, real wood, but has a large crack in the top and some knots that, with age, have separated. I sanded it with our orbital sander to get the varnish off. The varnish had dried to the point I could easily scratch it off with my fingernail. Remember you need to feed your furniture, especially if you have a piece in direct sunlight with Beeswax or Orange Oil at least once a month.


Once you got it somewhat smooth spray paint it with a cheap flat black spray. It took three coats to get the coverage I needed and remember, don't worry about runs. After the paint is dry you go over it with the orbital sander again with a fine grit sand paper. You take away paint to expose the wood beneath. There is no way to go wrong here. You want it to look as if it has aged for decades. If for some reason you are not happy with what you have sanded, repaint it and sand again. Yes it is just that easy. I have done this so many times that sometimes I am not satisfied with my results and my wife says it looks fine, throw it in there because the booth is empty. It is some of those pieces we get the most compliments on.

Our ancient Chinese secret is to wipe the piece with a dark stain after sanding. It brings out the color in the wood and gives an overall richness. Also if you do a piece in white it gives a nice dingy color. After your stain has cured/dried you can give it a clear coat or a hand rubbed wax. I like using the Beeswax.


Here is a closeup of the top, notice you can see the detail of the wood through the paint. This is a dirty job. Sanding the piece can produce a lot of dust. Spray paint gets everywhere, especially in the nose. The stain is the dirtiest part. I don't play around with a brush. Cut 5" x 5" square out of an old t-shirt then soak it in stain and start wiping. Gloves, you don't need no stinking gloves. Rubber gloves you steal from the doc's office disintegrate from a chemical reaction to the stain. Canvas work gloves soak through and stain the fingers. I have used a thick oyster shucking gloves but they are so clumsy you can't get the dexterity needed to move quickly and get into those tight places. Just keep a can of paint thinner handy and soak your hands, after a few days, the stain comes out from under the fingernails. If anyone asks in the mean time tell them a bus load of gypsies broke down on the side of the road and you had to change their oil. In return they gave you this old piece of furniture, must be really old, look at how distressed it is, yeah, I guess I will take $45 for it.

Mr. Hedley was no help at all, he slept all day.

Well, I was going to post a pic of the piece sitting in the mall, but it has already sold. We sat it in just as they were closing and it sold within 30 minutes of being open the next day.

Notice I said it was made from real wood. If you get a piece with press board or fiber board it will swell from the water in the paint. Stay away from these pieces. It is possible to spray paint a piece of Formica but you can't sand it back to the wood after painting.

Thursday, January 12, 2012

Where's Mariah Carey's Hips?

Mariah Carey has a new commercial for Jenny Craig.  It is not flattering at all.  "Little in the middle but she's got much back" a famous poet once said.  A hourglass figure is the most appealing to dudes like me.


Here's a much better image, showing some hips.

Thursday, December 29, 2011

Kudzu Untamed


Give me your peas brother, he ordered me.
Peas, black of eye, with corn bread for sopping,
A ham hock and onion added flavor.
Being the elder brother, he took them.
I watched as he devoured them whole, sucking
The ham hock bone as my anger festered.
I knew he must die for such a grievance
And that night I hatched a devious plan.

My grandmother told of untamed kudzu
Growing so fast that windows must be shut
At night lest the kudzu vines grow into
A child’s bedroom and carry him away.
So I began the next day to tame the
Kudzu vines outside his window to grow
Slack so they would have length to reach upon
That bed in which at night he would slumber.

Within one week I was satisfied the
Vine was sufficient to strangle him.
In the twilight I crept into his room,
Pulled the kudzu vine in through the window
And as I mounted the bed he awoke
What are you doing he asked me, perplexed.
You ate my peas brother.  I’m killing you.
And I strangled him with the kudzu vine.

After the funeral the feast was grand,
With a large pot of my favorite peas.
So full of peas and corn bread I did sleep
And in my dream I saw the face of the
One I strangled but it was not brother
But my own and woke suffocating.
For the kudzu vine that could not be tame
Snuck into my room and strangled me too.

Tuesday, December 20, 2011

Hey Bella!!!


I took my wife to see the latest Twilight movie over the weekend.  This one’s title was somehow related to the sunrise.  Breaking Bad comes to mind but that’s a different story, let’s just call it Twilight number four. 

Because we were running a little late, I dropped her at the door so she could get tickets while I parked.  After parking, as I approached the door, a nervous looking guy asked if I was going to see Twilight.  Reluctantly I said I was. 

“Yo, man I got some black market estrogen.  You need a fix?” He asked.

“Well I sure do.  What have you got?”

“Check it out dog.  I gots a time release capsule, take you all the way through the ending credits.”

“That sounds good.  How much?” I asked.

“Fifteen bucks,” he said, still looking around nervously.

“Gee that’s kind of steep.  I was planning on getting some popcorn and chocolate covered almonds.”

“Alright, alright, look you my boy.  I’m gonna hook you up.  I gots a syringe I can inject estrogen straight into your heart.  No extra charge.”

“Would I really need that?”

“Think about the previews dog.  That New Year’s movie and there’s one for Snow White.”

“Okay, but does it have to be in the heart?”

“The other option is in yo junk.”

“Gah, in the heart.  Here’s the cash.  Just do it!”

He slammed the needle into my chest and pressed the plunger.  Aside from a tingly feeling in my toes, I felt no different. 

“You okay dog?” he asked.

“Where did you get that jacket?”  I asked, “Because you look faaaabulous.”

“You’re good to go dog, enjoy the movie,” he said as he opened the door for me, such a gentleman. 

Oh the movie.  Every movie should start with an edgy Jacob ripping off his shirt, but no need to run away and turn into a dog.  Stay, boy, stay.  Good boy.

Bella should have shaved her legs before her honeymoon, why keep Edward waiting?  Why do you tease him like that?  Beside the fact that all the soccer moms have had their fill of Jake shirtless, we, I mean, they want Edward shirtless.  We, damn it, they have fallen for his romantic side, now let’s get down to business. 

Raise your hand if you were let down by the sex scene after the lead up, ie. “dangerous” and “you could kill her” .  All she had was a few bruises.  Ha!  I’ve had rug burns worse than that.  And who hasn’t broken a headboard or two in the heat of passion?

The whole scene where the dogs were talking to each other seemed contrived and disjointed.  While I am not a fan of subtitles, I think they would have conveyed the message in a less cheesy fashion.  BARK, BARK, BARK…You will not harm Bella, I am your new leader…Aaawoooooo!

Give me some more napkins. No, I’m not crying.  I rubbed my eyes after eating popcorn.  Okay, I was crying.  When Jacob saw that little baby and became its godfather that was the sweetest thing I’ve ever seen.  Then I wiped my eyes with my first napkin that had popcorn grease and salt on it and now I can’t stop crying.  You know he’s going to protect her forever.  It’s their most absolute law.  Did you eat all the chocolate covered almonds?  He has purpose now.  If Dakota Fanning shows up at the end I hope he marries her.  They would make such a sweet couple.  Their kids could play with Edward and Bella’s kid.  Wait, how did Herman and Lily Munster have a wolf boy son? 

Monday, December 5, 2011

Meanwhile, in the Jehovah's Witness chatroom...Plus bible verses


yawehiscool: 907 Wilson Street has a mean dog, the Lord told me I could skip that house
bibleocity: lol
hereforhim: my butt is tired from riding my bike
servinghusband: y'all let me go, gotta go wash hubby's uniform
bibleocity: later serving
yawehiscool: bye serving
yawehiscool: prayers up for you hereforhim
hereforhim: TY
yawehiscool: welcome
PTL: Wassuuup!!!
servinghusband: Oh Yaweh! PTL is back, Ezekiel's clothes will have to wait
yawehiscool: Convert any sinners today PTL?
PTL: No, they are all going to hell


***
Bible Verses

Revelations 6:6-9
6 And on the Sabbath I too came down from that hill. Mixeth myself a concoction with the firewaters of Bacardi and sat in the bubbling oasis, considering myself blessed.

7 Closing mine eyes and listening to the gulls I did dream.

8 And behold a pale Z71 and its rider was red of the neck. He and his minions were given power over one quarter of the earth. In my dream I drank firewater as I watched as forty and two riders thundered around an oval on a Sabbath afternoon. The demon appeared and snatcheth the firewater from mine hands and poured it onto the earth. Lo, I said, but the demon spoke in a tongue I did not understand. I told the demon to get hence for I bothereth no one. Dreams doth be weird, this I know. Somehow mine sandal became lodged in his buttocks and the demon left.

9 I awoke to find mine foot stuck in a bubbling hole in the oasis. I cursed the demon and his minions, sipped mine firewater and enjoyed the rest of mine Sabbath.

Genesis 4:17-18

17 Who be the Jezebel with orange loincloth and shiny legs tempting my palate with her spicy wings of chicken?

18 So shall she be called Tina. Partake of her fowl for it is clean. Alas, she doth not like to be looked in the eyes. Cast your gaze down, about the chest area.

Sunday, December 4, 2011

Antique Mall

My wife is not the only one who has a booth at Old South Antique Mall on Reeves Street in Dothan, AL.  I obtained this small spot by the back stairs recently to put the man oriented things and over flow from my wife's booth. Here's a couple of pics.

As you can see I collect damaged letters from work.  Some have trim, some do not.  What you see is what you get, with a couple of extra letters behind the door.  I have a couple of recurve bows for $35 each, an old level that goes for big bucks online.  A laminated map of the waterway at PCB.  An old gas/oil jug.  The back of an old wooden rocker which makes a great bulletin board.  Various old door knobs and door latch assemblies.  I added this weekend, some empty and clean wine bottles and a couple of books, North American Game Birds and the Hunter's Encyclopedia. 

Thursday, November 10, 2011

TUBORS Books came in...

Books came in today.  We are going to Atlanta so we have asked Mitchell to take them to Old South Antique Mall tomorrow afternoon after 2pm.  They should be at the front desk.  $15 each.

The Unauthorized Biography of Rickey Stokes