Thursday, February 9, 2012


“Don’t panic,” Clark Matthews, Dothan Houston County EMA Director said to the room full of reporter and city leaders. “As far as we know, the epidemic affects only women and the elderly.”

Does the disease have a name?

“I’ll turn the question over to Doctor Robert Speed from Wallace College, Doctor,” Matthews said.

“Currently the disease has no specific name,” Dr. Speed said, “nor can it be traced back to a single individual to be named after them. We are referring to it solely by its symptoms, sinistra via agripeta.”

Don’t hide the truth doctor, call it by it’s real name.

“Very well then, Left Lane Squatter, but I want to be clear about why we are here, after extensive testing on subjects afflicted with this disease we still don’t know what causes it, but we do know its devastating affects on traffic, especially on the Ross Clark Circle.”

Is it hereditary? I’ve noticed my grandfather doing it.

“If you are not experiencing the symptoms you must be immune. It could be something he ate. Is there anything peculiar in his diet?”

He eats Dobb’s a lot.

“I thought it was Manwich,” Doctor Speed said, which made everyone in the room uncomfortable, some nodded their heads in agreement, others shook their fist in anger, County Commission Chairman, Mark Culver appeared visibly shaken. “I’m sorry, I should have read the sign which clearly states BBQ.”

I saw National Guard troops take a woman yesterday, just pulled her over and took her out of her car. She was screaming that she was eventually going to turn left.

“Please remain calm,” Matthews pleaded.

I saw you riding with your blinker on for about a mile last week Matthews, how do we know you’re not infected?

“There’s a simple explanation for that,” Matthew said nervously.

“Is this true?” Doctor Speed asked, backing away from Matthews while covering his mouth with his sleeve.

“Really, I just turned from Cherokee onto Montgomery Highway, and you know how it is at that wide angle where sometimes your blinker doesn’t go off. That’s it, really.”

Doctor Speed motioned to a couple of National Guardsmen. They grabbed Matthews and began hauling him away.

“I couldn’t hear the blinker over the radio. It’s a simple mistake. Let me go!” Matthews pleaded.

“Quarantine this room,” Doctor Speed said as he quickly walked away.

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