Pecan Pie

The Dothan Police S.W.A.T. was called into action today at the National Peanut Festival fairgrounds.  Governor Robert Bentley's personal protection detail was overtaken by a hoard of elderly women from the New Brockton Baptist Baking Club.  Governor Bentley had what doctors described as a mild pecan pie abrasion to his forehead, was treated at a local hospital and released.

Witnesses say the violence broke out when the Governor declared Cassie Phelps the Blue Ribbon winner of the Pecan Pie Contest.  The New Brockton Baptist Baking Club, whose various members have won the Pecan Pie Contest each of the last seven years, took offense to Mrs. Phelps, who has declared no baking affiliations, winning the contest.  After a heated criticism of recipes, Mrs. Phelps wiped her hand on one of The New Brockton Baptist Baking Club  member's apron, which started a fight of hair pulling and pie throwning.  Several members of  The New Brockton Baptist Baking Club were arrested on assault charges.

"Look, I'm sorry.  I didn't know those were show aprons and not actual, working aprons.  Sometimes I wear my Montevallo Alum apron around the house when I have our girl cook or clean.  It gives my girls a better sense of womanly duties.  I will have my husband pay for that woman's apron but I will not apologize for my pie.  I cooked that pie myself, our girl didn't even help." Mrs. Phelps said when questioned.

Tess Clark, of The New Brockton Baptist Baking Club, tried to explain why she took umbrage to second place.  "Well that little, big city girl from Dothan should be disqualified.  Her Pecan Pie had not properly congealed.  It was down right runny.  If nothing else, she should not be allowed back at The National Peanut Festival.  And that good for nothing, doctor Governor, I don't think the man is even southern."


Governor Bently stated he thought Mrs. Phelps' pie had a uniqueness he had never seen.  "I was able to break the top layer of pecans and swirl them around in the filling.  It was very viscous and the pecans soaked up the juice, I was even able to sop the crust in the juice.  Excuse me, I dribbled a little bit on my tie."  When asked if he knew which contest he was judging, the Governor responded,  "Well of course.  I know what a pecan pie is.  This was more like a soup but they didn't have a soup category."

TUBORS

What is TUBORS?

It's The Unauthorized Biography of Rickey Stokes.

Just in case someone asks.

The Unauthorized Biography of Rickey Stokes

My new book is now available.  The Unauthorized Biography of Rickey Stokes.  Follow Stokes from childhood through his latest adventure.

Paperback
Paperback version click here

ebook reader
ebook reader format click here

I hope you enjoy it.

Bud Ford - Weatherman

The new weatherman, Bud Ford, sat at the makeup mirror in the backstage area of the WDHN studio preparing for the five o’clock newscast.  

“What’s up tiger?  That’s right, I’m talking to you.  Who’s a pretty boy?  Uh-huh, yeah I heard that.  You are the man, the weather man, sexy.”  Bud Ford said to the mirror as he psyched himself up for the weather report.  “Who’s got pretty hair?  Who’s got a gorgeous a—“Bud stopped as he noticed Kevin Presley was watching him. “How long have you been standing there?”

“Long enough,” news anchor Kevin Presley said with a smirk.

“There’s a new kid in town Presley, and his name is Meteorologist Bud Ford.  Soon to be replaced with News Anchor Bud Ford.”

“Why, you little!” Presley was angry.

“Get used to it Presley.  This suit coat has four buttons.  ABC wants someone with a little style and that is me, because I’m fresh…exciting…so inviting to me,” Bud Ford sang out the lyrics from one of his favorite contemporary hip-hop artists, Kool and The Gang.

“If I wasn’t a certified Baptist minister I would punch you square in the mouth,” Presley said trying not to ball up his fist.

“I can’t help it Presley.  You got soft when you left for Mississippi.  You came back and your hair was all different and don’t think those sideburns haven’t gone unnoticed by the network.  The corporate boys said viewership is down since those burns went up.”

“But I have children now,” Presley said.  “I’m trying to set a good example.”

“Don’t get your panties in a wad Presley.  Once I get the ratings back up while sitting next to Hot Lips I will be moving on to host the Saturday night Cowboys music show, which is perhaps Dothan’s most watched show.”

“But I was told that time slot would be switching to a Christian music format,” Presley said.

“Hmm, I didn’t get that memo,” Bud said as he went back to primping.  He opened the drawer and brought out an eyelash curler.  Presley grabbed the hand and applied pressure. 

“That is my eyelash curler.  As a matter of fact, if you will look at the handle you will see an inscription recognizing me for Wiregrass Newscaster of the Year for 2008 presented by the Red Hat Society ladies.  If I catch you using that eyelash curler or my prized sideburn straightening iron I will break your fingers.” Presley said matter of factly.

“Ow, you’re hurting me,” Bud cried. 

“Let’s get this straight radio head.  I am the anchor at WDHN where Dothan’s First and I will continue to be until I change my mind.  I can make a call to a buddy at the National Weather Service to throw your rain percentages off by five or ten percent.” Presley said sternly.  “Think how angry people will be if you tell them there is a forty percent chance, when actually it is a thirty percent chance.”

“You…you wouldn’t.”

“Ha, you didn’t even notice I hacked the system two nights ago and you had a warm front coming in which was indicated with blue triangles instead of red rounds.”

“What do those lines mean anyway?  All I really care about is the temperature the next day and if it is going to rain.  I am thinking about phasing out the river schedule, maybe throw in a joke or two.”

“Dear God!  You can’t be serious.  The Wiregrass depends on those river readings.  You’ll throw the entire area into chaos.  You have got to take the weather more seriously.”

……..

Ken Curtis sat at his desk sipping the usual four o’clock bourbon, watching and listening to the conversation through a hidden camera.  He liked a little competition. Bud was taking it too far but like the old pro he is, Kevin Presley took control of the situation.  He needed Presley to mentor Bud, nurture him, and if a viable match, donate some hair plugs. 

Haute Klanture

Knock, knock.

“Hello,” Bruce Jenkins said as he answered the door.

“Who are you?” Ronnie asked.

“I’m Bruce, Nellie’s nephew from Atlanta.”

“Where’s Mrs. Jenkins?”

“Oh I’m sorry but she had a stroke.  She’s in the hospital, not doing very well.  I came down to help out with the sewing and whatnot.”

“Aw man I hate to hear that.  I guess I will wait till she gets back.”

“Nonsense, she told me to take care of anyone that comes in.  I’m a seamstress too,” Bruce said with pride.

“Wouldn’t you be called a seamster?”  Ronnie asked.

“Honey, you will call me Vera Bradley when I finish whatever it is you need.”

“I don’t know.  My stuff is kind of secret, if you know what I mean.”

“Oh my God!  She told me someone might come looking for “The Uniform.”  Is that you?” Bruce asked throwing quotation marks in the air with his fingers. 

“It is me and I’m in a fix.  I have two new members being inducted Friday night and they will need their robes.  Can you get them done by Friday?” Ronnie asked.

“Absolutely!”

Two days later…

Knock, knock.

“Oh hi Ronnie.  Come on in.  Did you bring the gentlemen for their fitting?” Bruce asked with excitement.

“Um, no.  These things are kind of a one size fits all.  It’s just a robe and hood with eyeholes.”  Ronnie answered, confused.

“Just a robe!  Shut your mouth and behold!”  Bruce exclaimed as he motioned to the mannequin. 

“What the hell?”  Ronnie asked, stunned by what he saw.

“I know.  It’s fabulous, isn’t it?”

“Listen here sugarbritches.  It’s not supposed to be shiny.  It’s supposed to be cotton,” Ronnie said, angered by the abomination before him.

“Cotton is so last year.  You said you wanted The Uniform.  I just put my personal style to it.  I’m a designer, unencumbered by twentieth century conventions.  It’s time to let your confederate freak flag fly girlfriend.”

“But why is it shiny?” Ronnie asked.

“The fabric is lame. (Guys this is pronounced la-may)  At your next cross burning it will glimmer and glisten.  Speaking of such, look at the back, I hot glued rhinestones in a burning cross design.”

“Well that’s pretty cool,” Ronnie said, impressed with Bruce’s hot glue gun and rhinestone artwork.

“Thanks Ronnie.  I know the gold piping seems a little extravagant, but I figured Cinderella must look her best at the ball.”

“What’s the deal with the rainbow colored fuzzy ball on top of the hood?”  Ronnie asked.

“The pom-pom adds a bit of whimsy.  I’m sure your meetings aren’t all cross burnings and lynchings.  Why don’t you try it on?”

“I couldn’t.  It looks too fancy.  I would mess it up.”

“Ronnie, while this fabric is delicate and will require dry cleaning, it is also durable.  It will stand up to the most violent of race riots and you will look fabulous while beating someone of a lesser race.  Blood stains are a thing of the past thanks to Scotchgarding.”

“Okay,” Ronnie said as he began to put it on over his clothes.

“Stop!  You must undress first.  I promise I won’t peek, much.  I stitched some satin leggings inside to make a jumper.  Comfort, flexibility and durability.  I’ve thought of everything.  There you go.  Now, look in the mirror.”

“Wow!” Ronnie exclaimed.  “I look like a princess.”

“Or a queen.  All hail, Queen of the Klan.”  Bruce said as a tear streamed down his cheek. 

“Are you crying Bruce?” Ronnie asked.

“It’s okay.  I told myself I wouldn’t cry.”

“Don’t be sad Bruce.”

“I’m not sad.  These are tears of joy.”

“Can I get forty more by next weekend?”

“Oh Ronnie.”

“Oh Bruce,” Ronnie said as he checked his backside in the mirror.

Country Strong

What follows is an endorsement of the Gwyneth Paltrow film Country Strong, a movie I was very apprehensive about enjoying.  The film turned out to be surprisingly not as bad as I thought it would be.  The degree of its not being as horrid as I thought has inspired this affirmation.

Country music can be a fickle mistress.  She teases with lyrics of a festive life, filled with dogs, watermelon dances, seeing one’s mother after her incarceration.  But she will also remind us of life’s hardships, including infidelity, watermelon dances and death by getting runned over by a damned old train.  While I do find a few of the songs catchy or some of the female singers nice to view, I have never felt the music described my lifestyle or a lifestyle I was particular to.

Several outside influences have been considered in this review.  One must take into account the state of mind present when viewing the film.  No danger or odd circumstances surrounded the atmosphere of our den; we were at peace with the world and in love with each other as we watched Country Strong together, my wife and I.

Gwenyth Paltrow stars as Kelly Canter, a country superstar being released from rehab one year after falling from the stage in Dallas, a city which will haunt and redeem her, in a drunken stupor causing a miscarriage of her unborn baby.  Garrett Hedlund plays the part of Beau Hutton, a young part time honky tonk singer cursed with a pitiful attempt at facial hair, with whom she has an affair.  He is hired to join her on her return tour to keep an eye on her addictions.  He is torn between Kelly and Chiles Stanton, played by Leighton Meester, a young girl whose success in country music is dependent upon her beauty.  Tim McGraw stars as Kelly’s husband James, he pushes her as her manager but you can see right through his wig that that he has a hard time forgiving Kelly for losing their baby.

While Gwenyth never won an award for being considered sexy, as an example please refer to the unflattering evening gown worn in the movie poster, she gives an admirable portrayal of a much sexier woman.  Namely Tim McGraw’s real wife, Faith Hill whose acting skills might outweigh the singing skills of Gwenyth.  A conundrum aided by theory that Faith Hill fans may find the film to be documentary in nature and unleash their hatred for McGraw’s misgivings while at the same time confused by Faith’s appearances at later dates.  I thought of Faith often during the movie.  While the simplest of country music fans might be perplexed by Kelly’s behavior off stage, I believe superstars such as Faith might have watched the film from the comfort of their own luxuriously appointed RV, snacking on Xanax with a little vodka to help the pills go down easier, all the while screaming at the images on the screen “I hear ya girl, been there, done that!” 

Like the country music, table mounted, whiny guitar instrument thing, melodrama is sporadic but hits the right chords, get it chords.  It is not overpowering but you really notice how annoying it is during the solos.  Melodrama could be lost on or misspelled by its intended audience, but it brought a smile to a non fan such as me.  It was at those moments I imagined Faith drunkenly raising a bottle of vodka saying “Hell yes!”  I know I did.

After viewing the film and telling a few friends about it I was informed that it was really a horribly reviewed movie.  I don’t doubt it for a minute as it has been decades since I last saw Coal Miner’s Daughter, another film filled with country music songs.  I feel different about this film.  This film makes even me feel Country Strong.

Ambassadors

On a leisurely drive through Pinckard Alabama on state highway 134 you might encounter a black man sitting on a wood crate in front of the old mercantile building beside L&M Motors.  His purpose is unknown to the casual driver who might lift a few fingers from the steering wheel for a cordial wave as I have never seen him return a wave.  He might possibly be a salesman for L&M Motors, albeit a bad one as I rarely see him standing, plus the Chrysler with the lackadaisical Hip Hop paint scheme they have for sale has not moved in months.  I did see him sitting on his wood crate with the vegetable salesman mentioned in one of my recent posts.  Apparently he finds the hot spots in Pinckard, which are few and I would say far between but nothing in Pinckard is far.  If he is the ambassador for our fair town I say we can do better, like the black man in Midland City.

Just a few miles down the road, after 134 turns into Napier Field Road in Midland City, you will find a black man in his front yard most mornings that waves at every car that drives by.  I’m not talking about a casual movement of the hand.  He throws an arm in the air for several seconds ensuring the drivers know, depending on direction of travel, they are welcome to town or thanked for passing through on the way out of town.  His enthusiasm is indelible as not only myself, but several other drivers I have noticed, return the wave in a similar fashion.  He puts a smile on my face almost every morning on my way to work.

If you pass through either of these small towns take note of these gentlemen.  While Midland City has the benefit of a major four lane highway, Dollar General and an independent grocer, they also have an ambassador of friendship.  A man who raises his hand to greet any race, any gender, any make and model of automobile, and he is appreciated for it.