Accident at Rickey Stokes News

Rumors have been floating around downtown Dothan the last few days concerning the automobile accident at A Advantage Bonding or Headquarters for Rickey Stokes News.

A Volkswagen Jetta fitting the description of the one that crashed into Stokes’ office was, until recently, seen up on blocks in front of Mark Culver’s mobile home. Culver denied knowledge of ever having the car, but the day after the car was reported missing by one of his neighbors a Mobile Attic storage unit appeared at Culver’s trailer court residence. Neighbors reported seeing Culver remove large quantities of Busch beer and Redman chewing tobacco from the storage unit.

City Attorney Len White took an unexpected vacation on the day of the accident. Witnesses at the scene of the accident reported hearing the driver of the Jetta jump out and proclaim, “Hoooeeeee, I got you Stokes!” before running away. Len White was recently overheard at the infamous Ray’s Restaurant Fish Fry exclaiming, “Hoooeeeee, them’s some good catfish!”

John Keppy is putting his keen detectiving skills to use trying to find out how to piece this puzzle together. So far he has ascertained that controlled explosions were not responsible for the collapse of the front of the building, as previously reported. The car did cause the damage.

Stokes is currently in Myanmar flying aid to cyclone victims with his personal helicopter.

All of this is currently speculation until Keppy or Larry McKee can get more facts.

1000 Virgins

I missed the Short Story Writing Group at the library last night. The topic was 1000 and this is what I came up with at lunch yesterday.


“…And with the completion of your mission you will be rewarded with 1000 virgins in heaven.” The radical Muslim recruiter finished his explanation of how the new recruits would martyr themselves. The recruiter noticed a raised hand. “Yes, my brother, what is your name and question?”

“My name is Randy and I was wondering about the 1000 virgins part.”

“Yes, it is one of the more popular benefits of Islam, as is our 401k program.” The recruiter added.

“Well who came up with the idea of 1000 virgins, I mean come on, what are you supposed to do with 1000 virgins?” Randy asked.

A few giggles came from the room full of recruits. The recruiter held up his hands to quiet the crowd. “Whatever you want.” the recruiter said getting a rowdy response from the room full of men. “They will be yours for eternity.”

Randy shouted above the noisy room full of men, “What if I don’t want 1000 virgins?” The room fell silent for a few seconds.

Behind him someone said, “What if you are gay?” The room broke out in laughter.

The recruiter waited for the men to settle down then said “Raise your hand if you like virgins.” Everyone in the room, except Randy raised a hand.

Randy waited for the hands to fall then raised his hand high and said, “Raise your hand if you have ever been with a virgin.” Out of the thirty men in the room, two others raised their hands. “I thought so,” Randy quipped. “Did you enjoy it?”

One of the young men stood and tersely announced “No, I did not enjoy it, I was too scared to know what I was doing, it was all very uncomfortable for both of us.”

“Exactly”, Randy said “Virgins are terribly overrated, can I swap my 1000 virgins for one, no make that two Pamela Andersons, circa that movie she did, what was it called?”

The same young Muslim jumped to his feet with his hand held high, “Barbwire, the movie you speak of was called Barbwire, Ms. Pamela Anderson was in the swing with the black dress, AH-LOO, LOO, LOO, LOO!” Several other men began shouting LOO, LOO, LOO, LOO while firing AK47 rifles into the roof of the meeting hall.

Randy stepped over to the recruiter and said, “Let’s talk about a dental plan.”

Fishing Buddies

Randy sat at the bow of his boat watching his rods intently. He had something to share with his best friend Jim, who was sitting at the stern, also fishing. Jim could tell something was on Randy’s mind as he was being suddenly very quiet.

“I’ve got to tell you something” Randy broke the silence.

“Oh my God, he is going to tell me he is gay,” Jim thought to himself, adding, “What is it?”

Randy took a deep breath and told Jim his secret, “I’m not gay or nothing, but I like watching Dancing With The Stars. I can’t help it. Roberta knows and she doesn’t think it is a big deal, but I just never had the courage to say it to you.”

“Okay”, Jim said, “You’re telling me this because…”

“I am telling you because I am angry. Last night Adam Carolla was voted off. I don’t care that Adam Carolla was voted off, but that means we will not see his dancing partner Julianne Hough, the second finest woman on the show, again this season. She is beautiful and she can move. Of course the finest woman is Edyta Sliwinska. She’s the one to watch. Her hip movement is hypnotic. Every time she dances I only watch her lower body. She is one sexy woman.”

“You’re crazy.” Jim said solemnly.

“No I am not!” Randy was excited now. “These women, the outfits they wear, the way they move. I can’t talk. I am glued to the screen.”

“You are crazy, you fool! Julianne is the best-looking babe on the show, Edyta is the sexiest. There is a big difference and if that idiot Adam Carolla wouldn’t lead with his heel and keep his shoulders up then we would still have Julianne. Aarrgh, why oh why did we have to lose Julianne?”

“You idiot, why didn’t you tell me you watch that show? Did you worry I might think you were gay?” Randy quipped.

“Maybe we are gay because I know more about ballroom dancing than I should, thanks to Carrie Ann, Lynn and Bruno. I tell you this, if watching Julianne on Dancing With The Stars is wrong, I don’t want to be right.” Jim joked, but with serious undertones.

Randy said, “I heard that.”

WDHN's Jenna Zibton Wrestling Vacation

Jenna Zibton is absent from WDHN News 18 at 5, 6 and 10 this week while she chases a lifelong dream of becoming a masked female wrestler. Jenna is in Guadalupe, Mexico training with such wrestling legends as Fabulous Fran, Nervous Nancy and Big Bertha. Jenna abandoned her previous lifelong dreams of learning to crochet lingerie and becoming a contestant on So You Think You Can Dance. We did get a couple of pictures of Jenna training.

Here she is taking a face kick from someone named Nikki.

Here we see Nervous Nancy applying the dreaded Ovarian Pinch to Jenna.

Good luck to Jenna!

Correspondence

Good Day Mrs. Not Concerned

My name is the good Reverend Klench Michiques and I am coming to you from Nigeria, Mnumbuku Province. Our Church of the Holy Gnu wishes to participate in the givings to Mr. Not Concerned and family. Mr. Concerned is a most gracious friend to our Church. We have on many times accepted his hospitality. On this day now I wish to refund his hospitality in making a gift to him in US dollars. However, recently in past days I now know why I cannot reach him at his work emails. I am so sorry for his discomfort at the hands of the renegade Mr. Stokes causing his knees to be most broken from the Lewybill Sluggar. The members of the Church of the Holy Gnu wish to make penance upon Mr. Concerned in the amount of US $5000.00. However as you see we cannot reach him and wish to make surprise for him. Please, can you send me his contact information, social security numbers and direct deposit routing numbers to his chequing accounts.

Many Blessings upon you Mrs. Concerned
Reverend Klench Michiques


Dear Reverend Michiques,
Mr. Notconcerned is slowly healing at the Southeast Alabama Medical Center. Not only did Stokes break his kneecaps, but he also broke several fingers, making it hard to type. I know he appreciates your emails and the pictures you sent from the village. He wanted me to ask how the Lamisil is working for young Tutukana.

Can you help us out by sending a rabid baboon to the offices of Mr. Stokes, preferably with a “Krispy Kreme Donuts Inside” label attached. I am sure it would bring joy to his heart and lift his spirits.

Sincerely
Mrs. Notconcerned


Dear Mrs. Not Concerned
My heart is sad to hear of Mr. Concerneds hands. The Church of the Holy Gnu will commence special services with the sacrifice of kinukach. Most assuredly this will cause his great relief and allow him to send the information requested of Social Security numbers and bank routing numbers. We are most urgent to get this information as our church has now raised US $9000 in the helping of good health toward Mr. Concerneds.

Alas there is a baboon shortage in my village. I can send to you a how to make baboon stew that will surely lift his spirits and nourish his wounds. Have you baboons in your village for making of the stew?

Good wishes
Reverend Klench Michiques

Shocking News Concerning Greg Dee

Shocking News Concerning Greg Dee
3/18/08

Local residents say they were shocked to learn that WDHN Meteorologist Greg Dee has only recently received his Seal of Approval from the American Meteorological Society.

Thelma Purdue, of Webb, led an angry mob to the WDHN studios this morning, demanding satisfaction. “We want to know what kind of scam Greg Dee has been pulling and for how long?” Purdue demanded. “Has our weather been accurate or what?”

The mob was kept out of the building by the imposing figure of non other than Ken Curtis. With Ken Curtis watching the crowd Greg Dee came out to soothe them.

“Your weather is accurate and reliable.” Greg Dee said, adding, “It always has been. I was just certified by the AMS.”

From the crowd came a shout, “Oh yeah, is it partly cloudy or partly sunny?”

Ken Curtis made a move for the crowd, “Who said that?”

Greg Dee placed a hand on Ken Curtis’ arm. “No Ken Curtis, now is not the time for violence. Let me speak to them.” Greg Dee opened his arms to the crowd and spoke, “Good people of Webb, the weather is not black and white. It is a combination of fronts and systems sometimes too complex for categorizing with a simple partly this or 30 percent chance of that. Actually, just now, as I study this area, I find we are in an Adiabatic Process, which is in essence a thermodynamic change of state in a system in which there is no transfer of heat or mass across the boundaries of the system. In this process, compression will result in a warming…wait, where are you going? I am Greg Dee, hear my forecast”

Ken Curtis stopped him, “It’s too late kid. They started leaving ten minutes ago.”

Kevin Presley Wins Best Sideburns

The National Broadcasters Association recently awarded WDHN news anchor Kevin Presley for having “Best Sideburns”. Presley said he was honored by the award and hopes his sideburns bring prosperity to the Wiregrass area.

“Thank you NBA and thank you Wiregrass”, Presley said, in reference to the award. “As far as I know, no one in the Dothan area has ever been bestowed this high honor. John Williams got Best Hair in 1984 and 1985, but nothing compares to Best Sideburns. I worked hard for these sideburns, my stylist and burns were recently featured on the cover of Men’s Health magazine. Yesterday morning Wendell Stepp informed me that the City of Dothan is commissioning a mural of my sideburns to go on the WTVY building, pretty sweet deal.”

Co-anchor Jenna Zibton nominated Presley for the highly coveted award. “My girlfriends are so jealous that I get to sit next to Kevin and deliver the news everyday.” Zibton said, adding “Greg Dee is our super intelligent meet…meteor…weatherman and Kim Allen is your basic muscle man jock, but Kevin Presley, is like Burt Reynolds without the mustache.”

General Manager Janie Hinson stated “Occasionally a small market station like WDHN will find truly great anchor like Kevin. Since John Williams retired, the Dothan area has been lacking a real man to deliver the nightly news. We are the most watched news program among 18 to 65 year old women in the Wiregrass. I think there is a good reason for that, those sideburns are a trusted news source.”