Monday, March 17, 2008

Study Finds Redneck Women Attracted To Big Loud Pickup Trucks

Study Finds Redneck Women Attracted To Big Loud Pickup Trucks
2/19/08

A recent study by the National Association of Women finds that redneck women are three times more likely to be attracted to a man driving a truck with large mud tires and loud mufflers. Dr. Janice Goodall stated several of her colleagues were surprised at the results of the study. “As times change, so do people,” Dr. Goodall said, “previously we thought two of the main indicators which attracted redneck women were worn ring in the back pocket of a man’s pants caused by a can of Skoal and sleeveless t-shirts imprinted with a Confederate flag.”

Brain activity was monitored while test subjects were shown flash cards of various automobiles. Whereas an image of a late model family car in good condition showed little to no brain activity, the image of a slightly rusted 1996 Chevy Z71 with Super Swamper tires produced the highest results.

The study also measured estrogen output when exposed to certain sounds. Dr. Goodall was surprised with the results adding, “As an educated woman I find the sound of George Clooney reading the Magna Carta somewhat of an aphrodisiac. Rednecks were extremely turned on by the sound of Flowmaster exhaust systems. If you are not familiar, it sounds somewhat like an automobile without a muffler. Very loud and totally devoid of benefit to the mechanical operation of the vehicle.”

Slocomb Annexed By Mexico

Slocomb Annexed By Mexico
2/13/08

Mexican President Felipe Calderone announced the annexation of the town of Slocomb Wednesday. Slocomb Mayor Vicki Moore welcomed the annexation as a sign of coming prosperity.

Mayor Moore said “It was the best thing for our community. We have more illegal immigrant tomato pickers than citizens born and raised in our area. President Calderone was kind enough to let us keep the name Slocomb for the town, he was going to rename it El Tomate. Our only regret is that all future Tomato Queens must be of Mexican descent.”

Mexican officials said the dilapidated downtown area feels very “homey” to them. The buildings remind them of most any Mexican shantytown well south of the border. Regional Planning Director, Javier Lopez said the task of bringing the Slocomb area up to Mexican standards should not take too long. “We are almost there, we will replace trailers with pueblos” Lopez said, adding “I must get a new truck that sounds of no muffler, Gringo’s new trucks do that, you must drive a truck many years in Mexico for the same sound.”

Local resident, Bubba Jenkins felt melancholy over the annexation. Jenkins said, “I ain’t learnin to speak no Mexican, I tell you that right now, but a siesta everyday, I heard that.”

Local Woman Hospitalized Over Lack Of Grey’s Anatomy

Local Woman Hospitalized Over Lack Of Grey’s Anatomy
2/18/08

Headland resident Tammy Holland was hospitalized yesterday, in serious condition, from what doctors speculate is a lack of new episodes of Grey’s Anatomy. Ms. Holland was found in her home babbling “McDreamy…McDreamy…McDreamy”. Upon arrival at Southeast Alabama Medical Center she was upgraded to stable condition.

Dr. Sam Jacobson attributed her improvement to seeing a bunch of doctors involved with tomfoolery. “The familiarity of white lab coats immediately soothed Ms. Holland,” Dr. Jacobson said adding, “The Hollywood writer’s strike has affected people in our community. We don’t have anyone here who looks like Patrick Dempsey, but she did tell me I have romantic eyes. We started her on a small dose of season two’s DVD box set, and have seen major improvements.”

Local Man Gets A “Bitchin” Mullet

Local Man Gets A “Bitchin” Mullet
2/26/08
Derrick Johnson is truly happy with his latest haircut, a mullet. “It’s a bitchin mullet”, Johnson said, “I ain’t believin how good it looks. I done went to the southside Walmart and had to wait forty-five minutes fer a haircut, but it was worth it. All business in the front and a party going on out back. Now I am gonna detail my Camaro and cruise the mall.”

Local Man Volunteers To Massage Teachers At Rehobeth Schools

Local Man Volunteers To Massage Teachers At Rehobeth Schools
2/20/08

Upon hearing students are no longer allowed to massage female teachers at Rehobeth schools, Jimmy Tucker volunteered his services. Tucker, often referred to as the “Weirdo”, said he would be happy to give female teachers an occasional massage. “When I heard the students weren’t supposed to do that anymore, I thought this is my best chance to get close to a woman”, Tucker said. “I ain’t never been married, maybe I can find me a wife at the school. Heck, I would even massage a gym teacher.”

Rehobeth school officials could not be reached for comment.

Local Church Theft, Satan Suspected

Local Church Theft, Satan Suspected
2/21/08

The air conditioning unit from New Mt. Zion Holiness Church was stolen Wednesday night, Pastor Joe Barnes blames Satan. “He is responsible for all of the unrighteousness in the world,” Pastor Barnes said. “He is the root of all evil, condemned to hell by the graces of our heavenly father. You find him, and you will find our air conditioner.”

Houston County Sheriff’s Deputies believe the thief will probably sell the copper in the air conditioner to a recycling center. Deputies have contacted several recyclers in the area in hopes of catching Satan. Satan is described as being 6 feet tall, weighing 200 pounds, red skin, horns on the forehead, a long whip like tail and may possibly be carrying a pitchfork. If you encounter someone matching this description please contact Crimestoppers at 793-7000.

WDHN News Anchor Kevin Presley Facts

Kevin Presley doesn’t flub his lines like Jenna Zibton.

Kevin Presley laughs at his co-anchor off camera

Kevin Presley has perfect Hair

Kevin Presley can bench press a Honda Civic

Last name Presley, probably father to Elvis

Kevin Presley was previously a wrestler named “Alabama Slamma”, from parts unknown

Kevin Presley could easily handle the WTVY news at the same time, just doesn’t like CBS

Kevin Presley once fought Chuck Norris to a draw

Kevin Presley has killer sideburns

Most people work at the mall for a side job, Kevin Presley preaches the word of God

Kevin Presley, unlike Greg Dee, knows the difference between partly cloudy and partly sunny

Kevin Presley taught Ken Curtis how to be cool

We will get the I10 connector when Kevin Presley is damn well ready for it

John Williams retired because he heard Kevin Presley was coming to town

Only Kevin Presley could make the Wiregrass news interesting

Hurricane Katrina was actually Kevin Presley blow drying his hair

Kevin Presley’s fists are considered weapons of mass destruction

If Kevin Presley worked for Rickey Stokes News all of the words would be spelled correctly

Kevin Presley humbly declined having Country Crossing named Kevin Presleyland

67% of Wiregrass women miss the news due to fainting after seeing Kevin Presley’s handsome face