Notconcerned

writer/reader

2012-01-31T12:33:00.002-06:00

Sorry I haven’t written anything in a while. The Day The Music Died was exhausting, no not really. I started a new magazine named writer/reader. Currently it is four pages but I hope it grows and grows.

writer/reader was born from a frustration with free papers/magazine/readers, whatever you call those free things you find in coffee shops. Whenever I pick one up it has more advertisements than actual items to read. Then the reading material was never worth the paper it was printed on; ancient jokes no one finds funny, horoscopes, nothing worth reading.

I wanted to provide you with something worthwhile and mentally stimulating. I have assembled a few bloggers to submit stories or poetry each month for a FREE magazine that I promise will be better than other free ones. The magazine is open to anyone who wants to submit work for publication. I ask that you try to keep your work to 1000 words or less. 500 words would be even better. Submissions should be fiction or names changed to protect yourself. Keep it family friendly as this magazine will be placed in restaurants and coffee shops. I hope to add a mailing list one day.

Here’s the link to the online February issue. Please give feedback or submit your own story.

http://issuu.com/notconcerned/docs/febfor_pdf

And here is a link to the Facebook fanpage.

https://www.facebook.com/writerreaderdothan

The Day The Music Died

2012-01-17T09:49:00.002-06:00

“Nooooo!” I screamed at Lady Gaga. “You’re going to get us killed.” I think I hurt her feelings because she gave me that you hurt my feelings look and ran off crying, into the darkness. Then I heard the distinctive crack of a 30.06. If only she had worn the orange boa.

It all started with the Lady Gaga concert at the Dothan Civic Center. As an Entertainment Consultant I was asked to escort the Lady to Cowboys after the concert for an appearance on the Cowboys Country Music Showcase taping to be aired at a later date on WDHN.

At the concert, I was seated with Dothan Mayor Mike Schmitz who was a big fan of the Lady. He sang along with all her hits, even getting up to do a little soft shoe during Edge of Glory. He has talent; if Dancing Dave ever dies, Schmitz would be a good replacement. North side Kmart would benefit from his presence.

She said good night and left the stage, but the fans wanted more. Schmitz threw his glasses down and began pulling at his hair while screaming, “Born-This-Way, Born-This-Way!” I had heard enough of this noise they called music and made my way backstage, hoping Born This Way would be the one and only encore.

At a side curtain I watched as the stage hands prepared the set for the final song. Something touched my leg and I kicked it away. I was fascinated by engineering of the set pieces as they fit together and the speed of the roadies. I felt something tugging at my pant leg and looked down to see a tiny version of Lady Gaga looking up at me. “You’re in the way,” she said.

I knelt down beside her. “Aren’t you the cutest little thing,” I said while pinching her cheek. “But you shouldn’t be out here in your undies. Where are your parents?”

“It’s my costume asshole. I’m a backup dancer for Born This Way. We all are.” It was then I noticed there were fifteen or twenty more of them, all looking exactly the same. “And I’m probably older than you.”

“My bad.”

“I saw you in the front row. Who is that guy that was sitting behind you?” She asked.

“That’s Jim Cook, local Lifestyle columnist.”

“He’s dreamy. Is he a little person too?”

“I suppose you could say he is challenged in that regard.”

“Hook a girl up. Everybody on the tour bus is going to some local bar tonight.”

“I’ll see what I can do. What’s your name?” I asked.

“Tina. Gotta go, song’s about to start.”

From the side stage I watched the last song and dance routine. Schmitz was going crazy dancing in the front row. During the dancer’s routine I lost track of the miniature Gaga interested in Cook; they all looked exactly alike. After the song the real Lady Gaga said good night, exited the stage and started to run by me. I grabbed her arm and she gave me a look like I wasn’t supposed to touch her. “Excuse me ma’am, but I am your escort for the evening,” I said.

“I have to change clothes. Meet me at the tour bus. What are you driving?” she asked as she was whisked away.

“A yellow Veloster, compliments of Dothan Hyundai.” But I don’t think she heard the last part.

I ran into Jim Cook on the way to the car. “Jim, one of those midget backup dancers has the hots for you.”

“Really, which one?” He asked.

“I don’t remember, Tanya or something. She’ll be at Cowboys.”

“Everyone in Dothan will be at Cowboys,” Jim said with a large smile on his face.

I pulled the Veloster next to the tour bus and went to find Lady Gaga. I had to pull her away from the paparazzi, if you call Dothan Magazine’s photographer taking pictures of the same old people paparazzi. She was wearing a hideous red outfit that put the Red Hat Society ladies to shame. Her hat could double as a large patio table. “That hat will not fit in the car,” I told her.

“Fine!” she exclaimed, “but I will have to change my entire outfit.”

“No, we don’t have time for that. Just put it on the bus. The bus is going to the same place.”

“But the hat matches my slacks.”

“The outfit looks fine without the hat.” Not really.

“If I can’t wear the hat I have to find another wig.”

“Your hair looks fine.” It didn’t, it actually made me squint my eyes.

“It doesn’t, I can tell by the way you are looking at it.”

“Just run a brush through it and let’s go,” I pleaded.

“No, I have to change outfits,” she said as she stormed back onto the bus. A short while later she came out in an asymmetrical dress with flashing orange LED lights and a bright orange feather boa.

“We’re just going to Cowboys you know. There’s no need to get all dressed up.”

“You hate it.”

“I didn’t say that, but you may be a little overdressed. Really now, this is a country bar, just a nice shirt and some jeans, maybe a pair of cowboy boots. I’m sure you have some boots in there.”

“Honey, there’s no such thing as overdressed.”

“Great, wonderful, let’s go,” I said as I held the door for her. Soon enough we were speeding down 231.

“What’s your name sugar?” she asked.

“Thomas, you can call me Notconcerned.” I answered tersely.

“You can call me Lady.”

“Nice to meet you Lady.” I paused for a second, then sang “of the morn-ing”

She joined in, “Love shines, in your eyes.”

“Sparkling,” came from the back seat and I almost lost control of the car. Jim stuck his head through the front seats. “Hey man, sorry to stow away but I met Tanya and she’s great.”

Tanya, a miniature version of Lady Gaga, stuck her head through too.

“Ooh girl, no you didn’t” Lady said, “Tina had her eyes on him.”

“Looks like she came up short,” Tanya said.

I giggled. “Am I the only one who finds that funny?” No one answered. “I guess not. We’re here.” I stopped by the front door. “Everybody out, we’re late, let’s go.”

“Wait, I have to change clothes,” Lady protested.

“You just did that. We don’t have time, just go sing one song and then you can change for the interview.” She didn’t like the idea but agreed.

I held the back door open as everyone from the tour bus along with our car filed in. Surprisingly, her whole entourage fit on the stage: Lady Gaga, several midget backup dancers and a bunch of muscular dancer guys wearing only very small short pants and Mardi Gras masks. Well, most of them were muscular, there was this one guy a little older. Lady grabbed the microphone and screamed “How’s everybody in Dothan tonight ?” and a hush fell over the crowd. She made common mistake of pronouncing it Dah-than instead of Doe-than.

“Git on outa here,” someone yelled from the crowd.

Lady Gaga, bless her heart, struck a pose with her bright orange boa, not really a Vogue pose, although the patent restricting Voguing had long since passed and she was free to do it, but chose not to out of respect for the Madonna. Instead her pose was that of an artist, an artist whose real name was no longer used due to her fame, whether it is by a loved one or the throngs of fans, an artist who longed to be a real person once again and called by their own name. She raised the microphone to her mouth and whispered, “Well it was all, that I could do, to keep from crying” and the bar erupted in a joyful noise. The music began playing, dancers commenced dancing and all was right with the world. As she continued singing a tear welled up in my eye, for I knew I was witnessing the greatest musical artist the world had ever known. Not even Dr. Hook got this kind of reaction from the Cowboys faithful.

Being the artist she was, she knew exactly what the audience needed to hear and she gave it to them, with the flair, style and fabulousness that only a Nebraskan can give. Who knew Nebraska was the center of the artistic universe. Soon, the song was taken over by the crowd, “and I’ll hang around as long as you will let me, let me, let me, let me, let me.”

I walked up to the stage and extended my hand. She took it and stepped down from the stage as the crowd continued to sing. Then I noticed a scuffle on the stage. Tina and Tanya had gotten into a shoving match, which turned into a full brawl. Soon all of the midgets were fighting amongst themselves. It was a miniature free for all and the crowd loved it even more.

Jim Cook tried to get onstage to break up the fight and get to either Tina or Tanya, but the male dancers kept him away. All but one of the dancers. The one who was not as young and muscular as the others, it didn’t matter as he was still rocking the Daisy Dukes. He continued to dance, whether it was dedication to his craft or the music simply moving his soul, he danced and he danced. But it was not the choreographed dance the others had been doing. It was a soft shoe, as only the Mayor could do. Some people wish for their dreams to come true, others make their dreams come true.

I smiled and said to her, “They’re going to be talking about this night for a long time.”

“Mind if I change before the interview?” she asked.

“As you wish my dear, you are the best,” I said as I escorted her to the tour bus. While I waited outside I understood what all the hoopla was all about. I finally realized the raw emotion music can convey to even the most hardened easy listening, light rock fan like myself. I could still hear the music playing inside the bar. I noticed a few people in the parking lot when I began to spin around and wiggle my arms, but I didn’t care. I was compelled to dance. I was so excited to be alive.

I heard the tour bus door open and I turned to face her. She exited the bus wearing a brown fur hoodie. My happiness turned to terror as I saw her casually reach back and pulled the hood up over her head. The hood had antlers. Of all the crazy outfits she had been known to wear, none of them ever put her in danger as did impersonating a deer in South Alabama. She smiled as she skipped gleefully over toward me, all I could think about was the hundreds of drunken rednecks close by whose ultimate joy in life was getting a big buck and I screamed, “Nooooo!”

Found at work

2012-01-14T22:06:00.006-06:00

Weird to me due to the resolution on the printer, 15dpi maybe??? Click on it to make it bigger.

How to get that shabby chic look.

2012-01-14T21:10:00.013-06:00

Shabby Chic is a look that has been done again and again in our antique booth. And why not, people love it and it is so easy. You can do it too. The following example is in black.

Here we have a little cabinet with a drawer and door. Refinishing the wood to perfection is not something I do, as you know I do most of my work on the deck or in the back yard. Sometimes it is fun. With the shabby look you don't have to worry about mistakes, because you are making a piece look aged in a short period of time.

This piece is made of all, real wood, but has a large crack in the top and some knots that, with age, have separated. I sanded it with our orbital sander to get the varnish off. The varnish had dried to the point I could easily scratch it off with my fingernail. Remember you need to feed your furniture, especially if you have a piece in direct sunlight with Beeswax or Orange Oil at least once a month.

Once you got it somewhat smooth spray paint it with a cheap flat black spray. It took three coats to get the coverage I needed and remember, don't worry about runs. After the paint is dry you go over it with the orbital sander again with a fine grit sand paper. You take away paint to expose the wood beneath. There is no way to go wrong here. You want it to look as if it has aged for decades. If for some reason you are not happy with what you have sanded, repaint it and sand again. Yes it is just that easy. I have done this so many times that sometimes I am not satisfied with my results and my wife says it looks fine, throw it in there because the booth is empty. It is some of those pieces we get the most compliments on.

Our ancient Chinese secret is to wipe the piece with a dark stain after sanding. It brings out the color in the wood and gives an overall richness. Also if you do a piece in white it gives a nice dingy color. After your stain has cured/dried you can give it a clear coat or a hand rubbed wax. I like using the Beeswax.

Here is a closeup of the top, notice you can see the detail of the wood through the paint. This is a dirty job. Sanding the piece can produce a lot of dust. Spray paint gets everywhere, especially in the nose. The stain is the dirtiest part. I don't play around with a brush. Cut 5" x 5" square out of an old t-shirt then soak it in stain and start wiping. Gloves, you don't need no stinking gloves. Rubber gloves you steal from the doc's office disintegrate from a chemical reaction to the stain. Canvas work gloves soak through and stain the fingers. I have used a thick oyster shucking gloves but they are so clumsy you can't get the dexterity needed to move quickly and get into those tight places. Just keep a can of paint thinner handy and soak your hands, after a few days, the stain comes out from under the fingernails. If anyone asks in the mean time tell them a bus load of gypsies broke down on the side of the road and you had to change their oil. In return they gave you this old piece of furniture, must be really old, look at how distressed it is, yeah, I guess I will take $45 for it.

Mr. Hedley was no help at all, he slept all day.

Well, I was going to post a pic of the piece sitting in the mall, but it has already sold. We sat it in just as they were closing and it sold within 30 minutes of being open the next day.

Notice I said it was made from real wood. If you get a piece with press board or fiber board it will swell from the water in the paint. Stay away from these pieces. It is possible to spray paint a piece of Formica but you can't sand it back to the wood after painting.

Where's Mariah Carey's Hips?

2012-01-12T11:09:00.001-06:00

Mariah Carey has a new commercial for Jenny Craig. It is not flattering at all. "Little in the middle but she's got much back" a famous poet once said. A hourglass figure is the most appealing to dudes like me.

Here's a much better image, showing some hips.

Kudzu Untamed

2011-12-29T10:09:00.004-06:00

Give me your peas brother, he ordered me.

Peas, black of eye, with corn bread for sopping,

A ham hock and onion added flavor.

Being the elder brother, he took them.

I watched as he devoured them whole, sucking

The ham hock bone as my anger festered.

I knew he must die for such a grievance

And that night I hatched a devious plan.

My grandmother told of untamed kudzu

Growing so fast that windows must be shut

At night lest the kudzu vines grow into

A child’s bedroom and carry him away.

So I began the next day to tame the

Kudzu vines outside his window to grow

Slack so they would have length to reach upon

That bed in which at night he would slumber.

Within one week I was satisfied the

Vine was sufficient to strangle him.

In the twilight I crept into his room,

Pulled the kudzu vine in through the window

And as I mounted the bed he awoke

What are you doing he asked me, perplexed.

You ate my peas brother. I’m killing you.

And I strangled him with the kudzu vine.

After the funeral the feast was grand,

With a large pot of my favorite peas.

So full of peas and corn bread I did sleep

And in my dream I saw the face of the

One I strangled but it was not brother

But my own and woke suffocating.

For the kudzu vine that could not be tame

Snuck into my room and strangled me too.

Hey Bella!!!

2011-12-20T16:04:00.001-06:00

I took my wife to see the latest Twilight movie over the weekend. This one’s title was somehow related to the sunrise. Breaking Bad comes to mind but that’s a different story, let’s just call it Twilight number four.

Because we were running a little late, I dropped her at the door so she could get tickets while I parked. After parking, as I approached the door, a nervous looking guy asked if I was going to see Twilight. Reluctantly I said I was.

“Yo, man I got some black market estrogen. You need a fix?” He asked.

“Well I sure do. What have you got?”

“Check it out dog. I gots a time release capsule, take you all the way through the ending credits.”

“That sounds good. How much?” I asked.

“Fifteen bucks,” he said, still looking around nervously.

“Gee that’s kind of steep. I was planning on getting some popcorn and chocolate covered almonds.”

“Alright, alright, look you my boy. I’m gonna hook you up. I gots a syringe I can inject estrogen straight into your heart. No extra charge.”

“Would I really need that?”

“Think about the previews dog. That New Year’s movie and there’s one for Snow White.”

“Okay, but does it have to be in the heart?”

“The other option is in yo junk.”

“Gah, in the heart. Here’s the cash. Just do it!”

He slammed the needle into my chest and pressed the plunger. Aside from a tingly feeling in my toes, I felt no different.

“You okay dog?” he asked.

“Where did you get that jacket?” I asked, “Because you look faaaabulous.”

“You’re good to go dog, enjoy the movie,” he said as he opened the door for me, such a gentleman.

Oh the movie. Every movie should start with an edgy Jacob ripping off his shirt, but no need to run away and turn into a dog. Stay, boy, stay. Good boy.

Bella should have shaved her legs before her honeymoon, why keep Edward waiting? Why do you tease him like that? Beside the fact that all the soccer moms have had their fill of Jake shirtless, we, I mean, they want Edward shirtless. We, damn it, they have fallen for his romantic side, now let’s get down to business.

Raise your hand if you were let down by the sex scene after the lead up, ie. “dangerous” and “you could kill her” . All she had was a few bruises. Ha! I’ve had rug burns worse than that. And who hasn’t broken a headboard or two in the heat of passion?

The whole scene where the dogs were talking to each other seemed contrived and disjointed. While I am not a fan of subtitles, I think they would have conveyed the message in a less cheesy fashion. BARK, BARK, BARK…You will not harm Bella, I am your new leader…Aaawoooooo!

Give me some more napkins. No, I’m not crying. I rubbed my eyes after eating popcorn. Okay, I was crying. When Jacob saw that little baby and became its godfather that was the sweetest thing I’ve ever seen. Then I wiped my eyes with my first napkin that had popcorn grease and salt on it and now I can’t stop crying. You know he’s going to protect her forever. It’s their most absolute law. Did you eat all the chocolate covered almonds? He has purpose now. If Dakota Fanning shows up at the end I hope he marries her. They would make such a sweet couple. Their kids could play with Edward and Bella’s kid. Wait, how did Herman and Lily Munster have a wolf boy son?

Meanwhile, in the Jehovah's Witness chatroom...Plus bible verses

2011-12-05T11:49:00.001-06:00

yawehiscool: 907 Wilson Street has a mean dog, the Lord told me I could skip that house
bibleocity: lol
hereforhim: my butt is tired from riding my bike
servinghusband: y'all let me go, gotta go wash hubby's uniform
bibleocity: later serving
yawehiscool: bye serving
yawehiscool: prayers up for you hereforhim
hereforhim: TY
yawehiscool: welcome
PTL: Wassuuup!!!
servinghusband: Oh Yaweh! PTL is back, Ezekiel's clothes will have to wait
yawehiscool: Convert any sinners today PTL?
PTL: No, they are all going to hell

***

Bible Verses

Revelations 6:6-9
6 And on the Sabbath I too came down from that hill. Mixeth myself a concoction with the firewaters of Bacardi and sat in the bubbling oasis, considering myself blessed.

7 Closing mine eyes and listening to the gulls I did dream.

8 And behold a pale Z71 and its rider was red of the neck. He and his minions were given power over one quarter of the earth. In my dream I drank firewater as I watched as forty and two riders thundered around an oval on a Sabbath afternoon. The demon appeared and snatcheth the firewater from mine hands and poured it onto the earth. Lo, I said, but the demon spoke in a tongue I did not understand. I told the demon to get hence for I bothereth no one. Dreams doth be weird, this I know. Somehow mine sandal became lodged in his buttocks and the demon left.

9 I awoke to find mine foot stuck in a bubbling hole in the oasis. I cursed the demon and his minions, sipped mine firewater and enjoyed the rest of mine Sabbath.

Genesis 4:17-18

17 Who be the Jezebel with orange loincloth and shiny legs tempting my palate with her spicy wings of chicken?

18 So shall she be called Tina. Partake of her fowl for it is clean. Alas, she doth not like to be looked in the eyes. Cast your gaze down, about the chest area.

Antique Mall

2011-12-04T10:27:00.000-06:00

My wife is not the only one who has a booth at Old South Antique Mall on Reeves Street in Dothan, AL. I obtained this small spot by the back stairs recently to put the man oriented things and over flow from my wife's booth. Here's a couple of pics.

As you can see I collect damaged letters from work. Some have trim, some do not. What you see is what you get, with a couple of extra letters behind the door. I have a couple of recurve bows for $35 each, an old level that goes for big bucks online. A laminated map of the waterway at PCB. An old gas/oil jug. The back of an old wooden rocker which makes a great bulletin board. Various old door knobs and door latch assemblies. I added this weekend, some empty and clean wine bottles and a couple of books, North American Game Birds and the Hunter's Encyclopedia.

TUBORS Books came in...

2011-11-10T22:34:00.002-06:00

Books came in today. We are going to Atlanta so we have asked Mitchell to take them to Old South Antique Mall tomorrow afternoon after 2pm. They should be at the front desk. $15 each.

The Unauthorized Biography of Rickey Stokes

Pecan Pie

2011-11-06T17:51:00.002-06:00

The Dothan Police S.W.A.T. was called into action today at the National Peanut Festival fairgrounds. Governor Robert Bentley's personal protection detail was overtaken by a hoard of elderly women from the New Brockton Baptist Baking Club. Governor Bentley had what doctors described as a mild pecan pie abrasion to his forehead, was treated at a local hospital and released.

Witnesses say the violence broke out when the Governor declared Cassie Phelps the Blue Ribbon winner of the Pecan Pie Contest. The New Brockton Baptist Baking Club, whose various members have won the Pecan Pie Contest each of the last seven years, took offense to Mrs. Phelps, who has declared no baking affiliations, winning the contest. After a heated criticism of recipes, Mrs. Phelps wiped her hand on one of The New Brockton Baptist Baking Club member's apron, which started a fight of hair pulling and pie throwning. Several members of The New Brockton Baptist Baking Club were arrested on assault charges.

"Look, I'm sorry. I didn't know those were show aprons and not actual, working aprons. Sometimes I wear my Montevallo Alum apron around the house when I have our girl cook or clean. It gives my girls a better sense of womanly duties. I will have my husband pay for that woman's apron but I will not apologize for my pie. I cooked that pie myself, our girl didn't even help." Mrs. Phelps said when questioned.

Tess Clark, of The New Brockton Baptist Baking Club, tried to explain why she took umbrage to second place. "Well that little, big city girl from Dothan should be disqualified. Her Pecan Pie had not properly congealed. It was down right runny. If nothing else, she should not be allowed back at The National Peanut Festival. And that good for nothing, doctor Governor, I don't think the man is even southern."

Governor Bently stated he thought Mrs. Phelps' pie had a uniqueness he had never seen. "I was able to break the top layer of pecans and swirl them around in the filling. It was very viscous and the pecans soaked up the juice, I was even able to sop the crust in the juice. Excuse me, I dribbled a little bit on my tie." When asked if he knew which contest he was judging, the Governor responded, "Well of course. I know what a pecan pie is. This was more like a soup but they didn't have a soup category."

TUBORS

2011-10-27T14:57:00.003-05:00

What is TUBORS?

It's The Unauthorized Biography of Rickey Stokes.

Just in case someone asks.

The Unauthorized Biography of Rickey Stokes

2011-10-20T07:50:00.002-05:00

My new book is now available. The Unauthorized Biography of Rickey Stokes. Follow Stokes from childhood through his latest adventure.

Paperback
Paperback version click here

ebook reader
ebook reader format click here

I hope you enjoy it.

Bud Ford - Weatherman

2011-08-28T12:24:00.003-05:00

The new weatherman, Bud Ford, sat at the makeup mirror in the backstage area of the WDHN studio preparing for the five o’clock newscast.

“What’s up tiger? That’s right, I’m talking to you. Who’s a pretty boy? Uh-huh, yeah I heard that. You are the man, the weather man, sexy.” Bud Ford said to the mirror as he psyched himself up for the weather report. “Who’s got pretty hair? Who’s got a gorgeous a—“Bud stopped as he noticed Kevin Presley was watching him. “How long have you been standing there?”

“Long enough,” news anchor Kevin Presley said with a smirk.

“There’s a new kid in town Presley, and his name is Meteorologist Bud Ford. Soon to be replaced with News Anchor Bud Ford.”

“Why, you little!” Presley was angry.

“Get used to it Presley. This suit coat has four buttons. ABC wants someone with a little style and that is me, because I’m fresh…exciting…so inviting to me,” Bud Ford sang out the lyrics from one of his favorite contemporary hip-hop artists, Kool and The Gang.

“If I wasn’t a certified Baptist minister I would punch you square in the mouth,” Presley said trying not to ball up his fist.

“I can’t help it Presley. You got soft when you left for Mississippi. You came back and your hair was all different and don’t think those sideburns haven’t gone unnoticed by the network. The corporate boys said viewership is down since those burns went up.”

“But I have children now,” Presley said. “I’m trying to set a good example.”

“Don’t get your panties in a wad Presley. Once I get the ratings back up while sitting next to Hot Lips I will be moving on to host the Saturday night Cowboys music show, which is perhaps Dothan’s most watched show.”

“But I was told that time slot would be switching to a Christian music format,” Presley said.

“Hmm, I didn’t get that memo,” Bud said as he went back to primping. He opened the drawer and brought out an eyelash curler. Presley grabbed the hand and applied pressure.

“That is my eyelash curler. As a matter of fact, if you will look at the handle you will see an inscription recognizing me for Wiregrass Newscaster of the Year for 2008 presented by the Red Hat Society ladies. If I catch you using that eyelash curler or my prized sideburn straightening iron I will break your fingers.” Presley said matter of factly.

“Ow, you’re hurting me,” Bud cried.

“Let’s get this straight radio head. I am the anchor at WDHN where Dothan’s First and I will continue to be until I change my mind. I can make a call to a buddy at the National Weather Service to throw your rain percentages off by five or ten percent.” Presley said sternly. “Think how angry people will be if you tell them there is a forty percent chance, when actually it is a thirty percent chance.”

“You…you wouldn’t.”

“Ha, you didn’t even notice I hacked the system two nights ago and you had a warm front coming in which was indicated with blue triangles instead of red rounds.”

“What do those lines mean anyway? All I really care about is the temperature the next day and if it is going to rain. I am thinking about phasing out the river schedule, maybe throw in a joke or two.”

“Dear God! You can’t be serious. The Wiregrass depends on those river readings. You’ll throw the entire area into chaos. You have got to take the weather more seriously.”

……..

Ken Curtis sat at his desk sipping the usual four o’clock bourbon, watching and listening to the conversation through a hidden camera. He liked a little competition. Bud was taking it too far but like the old pro he is, Kevin Presley took control of the situation. He needed Presley to mentor Bud, nurture him, and if a viable match, donate some hair plugs.

Haute Klanture

2011-07-26T13:32:00.004-05:00

Knock, knock.

“Hello,” Bruce Jenkins said as he answered the door.

“Who are you?” Ronnie asked.

“I’m Bruce, Nellie’s nephew from Atlanta.”

“Where’s Mrs. Jenkins?”

“Oh I’m sorry but she had a stroke. She’s in the hospital, not doing very well. I came down to help out with the sewing and whatnot.”

“Aw man I hate to hear that. I guess I will wait till she gets back.”

“Nonsense, she told me to take care of anyone that comes in. I’m a seamstress too,” Bruce said with pride.

“Wouldn’t you be called a seamster?” Ronnie asked.

“Honey, you will call me Vera Bradley when I finish whatever it is you need.”

“I don’t know. My stuff is kind of secret, if you know what I mean.”

“Oh my God! She told me someone might come looking for “The Uniform.” Is that you?” Bruce asked throwing quotation marks in the air with his fingers.

“It is me and I’m in a fix. I have two new members being inducted Friday night and they will need their robes. Can you get them done by Friday?” Ronnie asked.

“Absolutely!”

Two days later…

Knock, knock.

“Oh hi Ronnie. Come on in. Did you bring the gentlemen for their fitting?” Bruce asked with excitement.

“Um, no. These things are kind of a one size fits all. It’s just a robe and hood with eyeholes.” Ronnie answered, confused.

“Just a robe! Shut your mouth and behold!” Bruce exclaimed as he motioned to the mannequin.

“What the hell?” Ronnie asked, stunned by what he saw.

“I know. It’s fabulous, isn’t it?”

“Listen here sugarbritches. It’s not supposed to be shiny. It’s supposed to be cotton,” Ronnie said, angered by the abomination before him.

“Cotton is so last year. You said you wanted The Uniform. I just put my personal style to it. I’m a designer, unlimited by twentieth century conventions. It’s time to let your confederate freak flag fly girlfriend.”

“But why is it shiny?” Ronnie asked.

“The fabric is lame. (Guys this is pronounced la-may) At your next cross burning it will glimmer and glisten. Speaking of such, look at the back, I hot glued rhinestones in a burning cross design.”

“Well that’s pretty cool,” Ronnie said, impressed with Bruce’s hot glue gun and rhinestone artwork.

“Thanks Ronnie. I know the gold piping seems a little extravagant, but I figured Cinderella must look her best at the ball.”

“What’s the deal with the rainbow colored fuzzy ball on top of the hood?” Ronnie asked.

“The pom-pom adds a bit of whimsy. I’m sure your meetings aren’t all cross burnings and lynchings. Why don’t you try it on?”

“I couldn’t. It looks too fancy. I would mess it up.”

“Ronnie, while this fabric is delicate and will require dry cleaning, it is also durable. It will stand up to the most violent of race riots and you will look fabulous while beating someone of a lesser race. Blood stains are a thing of the past thanks to Scotchgarding.”

“Okay,” Ronnie said as he began to put it on over his clothes.

“Stop! You must undress first. I promise I won’t peek, much. I stitched some satin leggings inside to make a jumper. Comfort, flexibility and durability. I’ve thought of everything. There you go. Now, look in the mirror.”

“Wow!” Ronnie exclaimed. “I look like a princess.”

“Or a queen. All hail, Queen of the Klan.” Bruce said as a tear streamed down his cheek.

“Are you crying Bruce?” Ronnie asked.

“It’s okay. I told myself I wouldn’t cry.”

“Don’t be sad Bruce.”

“I’m not sad. These are tears of joy.”

“Can I get forty more by next weekend?”

“Oh Ronnie.”

“Oh Bruce,” Ronnie said as he checked his backside in the mirror.

Country Strong

2011-06-27T14:39:00.002-05:00

What follows is an endorsement of the Gwyneth Paltrow film Country Strong, a movie I was very apprehensive about enjoying. The film turned out to be surprisingly not as bad as I thought it would be. The degree of its not being as horrid as I thought has inspired this affirmation.

Country music can be a fickle mistress. She teases with lyrics of a festive life, filled with dogs, watermelon dances, seeing one’s mother after her incarceration. But she will also remind us of life’s hardships, including infidelity, watermelon dances and death by getting runned over by a damned old train. While I do find a few of the songs catchy or some of the female singers nice to view, I have never felt the music described my lifestyle or a lifestyle I was particular to.

Several outside influences have been considered in this review. One must take into account the state of mind present when viewing the film. No danger or odd circumstances surrounded the atmosphere of our den; we were at peace with the world and in love with each other as we watched Country Strong together, my wife and I.

Gwenyth Paltrow stars as Kelly Canter, a country superstar being released from rehab one year after falling from the stage in Dallas, a city which will haunt and redeem her, in a drunken stupor causing a miscarriage of her unborn baby. Garrett Hedlund plays the part of Beau Hutton, a young part time honky tonk singer cursed with a pitiful attempt at facial hair, with whom she has an affair. He is hired to join her on her return tour to keep an eye on her addictions. He is torn between Kelly and Chiles Stanton, played by Leighton Meester, a young girl whose success in country music is dependent upon her beauty. Tim McGraw stars as Kelly’s husband James, he pushes her as her manager but you can see right through his wig that that he has a hard time forgiving Kelly for losing their baby.

While Gwenyth never won an award for being considered sexy, as an example please refer to the unflattering evening gown worn in the movie poster, she gives an admirable portrayal of a much sexier woman. Namely Tim McGraw’s real wife, Faith Hill whose acting skills might outweigh the singing skills of Gwenyth. A conundrum aided by theory that Faith Hill fans may find the film to be documentary in nature and unleash their hatred for McGraw’s misgivings while at the same time confused by Faith’s appearances at later dates. I thought of Faith often during the movie. While the simplest of country music fans might be perplexed by Kelly’s behavior off stage, I believe superstars such as Faith might have watched the film from the comfort of their own luxuriously appointed RV, snacking on Xanax with a little vodka to help the pills go down easier, all the while screaming at the images on the screen “I hear ya girl, been there, done that!”

Like the country music, table mounted, whiny guitar instrument thing, melodrama is sporadic but hits the right chords, get it chords. It is not overpowering but you really notice how annoying it is during the solos. Melodrama could be lost on or misspelled by its intended audience, but it brought a smile to a non fan such as me. It was at those moments I imagined Faith drunkenly raising a bottle of vodka saying “Hell yes!” I know I did.

After viewing the film and telling a few friends about it I was informed that it was really a horribly reviewed movie. I don’t doubt it for a minute as it has been decades since I last saw Coal Miner’s Daughter, another film filled with country music songs. I feel different about this film. This film makes even me feel Country Strong.

Ambassadors

2011-06-20T11:37:00.003-05:00

On a leisurely drive through Pinckard Alabama on state highway 134 you might encounter a black man sitting on a wood crate in front of the old mercantile building beside L&M Motors. His purpose is unknown to the casual driver who might lift a few fingers from the steering wheel for a cordial wave as I have never seen him return a wave. He might possibly be a salesman for L&M Motors, albeit a bad one as I rarely see him standing, plus the Chrysler with the lackadaisical Hip Hop paint scheme they have for sale has not moved in months. I did see him sitting on his wood crate with the vegetable salesman mentioned in one of my recent posts. Apparently he finds the hot spots in Pinckard, which are few and I would say far between but nothing in Pinckard is far. If he is the ambassador for our fair town I say we can do better, like the black man in Midland City.

Just a few miles down the road, after 134 turns into Napier Field Road in Midland City, you will find a black man in his front yard most mornings that waves at every car that drives by. I’m not talking about a casual movement of the hand. He throws an arm in the air for several seconds ensuring the drivers know, depending on direction of travel, they are welcome to town or thanked for passing through on the way out of town. His enthusiasm is indelible as not only myself, but several other drivers I have noticed, return the wave in a similar fashion. He puts a smile on my face almost every morning on my way to work.

If you pass through either of these small towns take note of these gentlemen. While Midland City has the benefit of a major four lane highway, Dollar General and an independent grocer, they also have an ambassador of friendship. A man who raises his hand to greet any race, any gender, any make and model of automobile, and he is appreciated for it.

Tomato Sandwich

2011-06-03T17:13:00.001-05:00

I saw the man on the side of the road in Pinckard selling vegetables out of the back of his truck and this time driving by I have cash. He has signs advertising MATERS and KORN. I am reminded of a band named Korn with a K but I think the band used a backward R, so there is probably no connection. I whip around my wife's Taurus wagon and pull up to the makeshift stand. He also has okra and squash. I ask where the tomatoes originated. Malvern he says, that is close enough to Slocomb for me. I purchase twelve pre-husked ears of corn along with some tomatoes and a mess of okra. For those not familiar with a mess, it is a commonly used unit of measure in the South, ranging anywhere from a helping to a half a hamper. I told him the ingredients will go together to make a soup. He asks if he can come to my house. I just smiled, thanked him and left.

Just in case you were wondering I got all of that for $15. $5 for the dozen ears of corn pre-husked, $4 for the okra and another $4 for the tomatoes. I told him to keep the change, in return he handed me a few more tomatoes and some kind of little round squash. I love the South.

My wife is not home yet and I want a snack. Oh no, all we have is wheat bread. I have never had a tomato sandwich on wheat, it will have to do. I picked the smallest tomato and sliced, then applied a liberal portion of mayonnaise to the bread. Then generous salt, pepper and ten dots of Tabasco sauce.

Even on the wheat bread the sandwich is good. Nothing can quite describe the taste of the mixture of milky goodness that drips from the sandwich to my plate. If you have never tried this delicacy then get yourself to Slocomb, or the surrounding area during the early summer. Make yourself one of these simple but flavorful sandwiches. I may save one for my wife to have a sandwich too. I need to get some white bread and bacon, oh bacon makes it so much better. Excuse me now, I have to go back to the kitchen.

Chair Repair

2011-05-24T17:31:00.002-05:00

My wife and I refurbish and re-purpose old furniture pieces, as you can see from her blog. K. Gilbert Designs & Unique Finds Pictured below is a pair of confusing chairs. Confusing because I wonder why someone would make an incomplete chair with a thin piece of press board as the seat. Aside from the legs, the seating area should be the most substantial portion of a chair.

As you can see with the one pictured on the left I cut a piece of plywood for the center. This did not have to be exact because I was filling the crack with wood glue after taping the bottom side to hold the glue in place.

Then I began filling the crack with glue. This took several applications due to waiting while the glue flowed downward.

After I was satisfied with the glue filling the crack I waited a few days for the glue to cure. After curing, the bond will be stronger than most other parts of the chair. Once the glue was cured I sanded it smooth and painted it white.

Looks pretty good from that view, how about a close up.

Using an aged piece of plywood helped match the grain of the rest of the seat. Now my wife may sell it as is or put an aged finish on it which would required some light sanding and staining.

Now it is time to tackle the other one.

RIP Keppy

2011-05-23T15:07:00.002-05:00

I just found out that one of the people I write about has passed of natural causes. I never met Keppy but I hope he enjoyed the stories. I will post the obit as soon as it is available. Condolences to his family and co-workers.

RSN story

And click here for more information. John Keppy story on RSN

Lunch With A Twist

2011-04-07T19:08:00.005-05:00

“Do you think I should shave my head and grow a goatee?” Keppy asked of his friend and boss Rickey Stokes over lunch at Bill’s restaurant.

“Why would you want to do that?” Stokes asked back at him.

“Well the shaved head worked for Michael Chiklis and everyone has a Harley and a goatee these days.”

“Why would you want to look like an angry fat man? What’s wrong with being a jolly fat man?”

“I don’t know. It just seems like the cool thing to do. You could shave your head too and we could wear black t-shirts,” Keppy almost pleaded.

“I do not intend to shave my head. My skull is bigger than most people due to all the extra brains and stuff I have in there. Plus my hair is perfect. It never messes up, wet or dry it always looks the same. I want to keep it that way,” Stokes answered.

“I won’t even ask about matching hogs,” Keppy said, dejected.

“Those things are a danged nuisance. You would think with as expensive as they are they would come with proper mufflers. When I was growing up you didn’t want to be associated with Harleys in any way or the people who rode them. Now every dentist and accountant in Dothan has one along with several thousand dollars worth of overpriced apparel. Thanks but no thanks, I like being a unique individual, one with no distinguishing features, just an average Joe, easily lost in a crowd.”

They were finishing off the last of their fries from the late afternoon cheeseburger lunch when “she” walked in. Stokes, always seated facing the door saw her walk in first. Quickly he made a mental note of her distinguishing features as he did every person he saw; red sweater, large sunglasses, blondish hair, six foot seven, maybe six foot eight, could easily take Keppy in a fight even if he did have a goatee. Big gal, he thought to himself.

Keppy watched Stokes study someone entering the restaurant. The look in his eye was not of danger, but of interest. Stokes’ gaze lingered an extra second to study the person. Some people are easily lost in a crowd, others stand out. There was uniqueness about this person. It could have been a beautiful woman, although Bill’s menu of mostly fried food attracted a clientele, whose logic falsely concluded bacon fat increased blood viscosity, allowing a more efficient flow through the cardiovascular system. As a result, physical beauty was not a requisite of Bill’s. If it was a beautiful woman she should be viewed, judged, classified and stored in his memory according to dominating phenotype. Keppy glanced at the salad bar, allowing his gaze to momentarily affix upon the woman to and fro. He was impressed with her stature and made a quick mental note to not challenge her to an arm wrestling match.

Both men returned to the task of finishing their French fries. The waitress began taking the female customer’s order and Stokes supposed the waitress knew the customer. Sweetie must have been the customer’s name due to how many times the waitress used it. Stokes thought for a moment that the waitress never referred to his wife, Marsha, as sweetie, and “Y’all” was the best he and Keppy ever got. It should be noted at this point that Stokes is a ten percent tipper or less. A dollar was considered customary for a meal, two dollars were occasionally left when Marsha gave him that look.

Stokes noticed how raspy Sweetie’s voice sounded, which he attributed to cigarettes. Every time he heard a woman speak that way he was thankful his wife did not smoke. While they didn’t stunt her growth, they certainly affected this woman’s voice.

Shortly thereafter another customer entered the restaurant that caught Stokes’ attention. He was a cowboy, a big fellow wearing a proper cowboy shirt and hat. His mustache was impressive, hanging low on the sides and covering his lips entirely. Real men like that didn’t come to town very often, and if they did it was to the Farmer’s Co-Op in a much smaller town. The cowboy rustled up to the checkout counter and placed his order, a fingertip to the brim of his hat obliged the waitress. The cowboy sat down at the table with the tall woman in the red sweater. Wow, Stokes thought, they must have tall kids.

As they finished the remaining fries Stokes’ keen senses caught something in the woman’s voice. He listened more closely, not to the conversation specifically, but the sound of her voice. After a few moments of studying the conversation at the table next to them Stokes came to the conclusion that she was not a woman. Keppy was oblivious. Stokes stopped eating and looked over at Keppy. After a few moments Keppy looked up and saw Stokes staring at him, wide eyed. Keppy stopped chewing, figuring he had ketchup on his face, wiped it with a napkin. Stoke continued to look at him with a somewhat worried look in his eyes. Keppy furrowed his brow. Stokes rolled his eyes in the direction of the table next to them. Keppy dared not look as he knew Stokes was being incognito. Stokes tugged his earlobe. Keppy listened to the couple next to them. Suddenly his eyes went wide too.

Dread fell over Keppy. Stokes looked worried. Had five robbers come in with shotguns blasting they, nay, Stokes would have handled the situation easily, while still eating a burger with one hand. This was different. There was no apparent danger but procedure for this situation was not in their training. Should they not ask and not tell? Should they expose the woman’s real identity to the cowboy? Surely the cowboy knows. But what if this is a blind date, never having met her before? He seemed like a nice cowboy. Stokes imagined having to post a news story the next day concerning a surprised cowboy arrested for battery or worse.

But listening to their conversation Stokes deduced they were good friends. There was mention of fishing. An image of a bass boat occupied by the cowboy and the woman in a bikini flashed through Stokes’ mind. She fights to reel in a fish, which turns out to be a very small crappie. They laugh, they cowboy slaps his knee, her bikini top pops loose but she catches it with her arms. The cowboy looks at her lustily, her face relaxes from the laugh and her eyes become tender and vulnerable, wanting, needing. She stands with her back to him and drops her bikini top then dives into the inviting waters of the Chattahoochee. The cowboy dives in to join her, for some reason leaving his hat and boots on. From underneath he sees their silhouettes against the backdrop of the warm southern sun as the cowboy swims toward her and reaches a hand out to hers. About that time the daydream turned into Brooke Shields and that blonde guy swimming in The Blue Lagoon, suddenly he felt a kick to his shin from Keppy. He looked over to see the waitress standing by the table.

“Here’s y’all’s check,” she said.

Stokes laid a dollar on the table, as did Keppy. Silently they walked up to the counter, paid the bill and silently they left.

In the Bondy’s Ford Expedition Keppy asked, “What happened back there boss? I lost you for a second.”

“Nothing, Nam flashback.”

“I don’t have the words for the other situation. I’ve never seen a big guy dressed like a woman. Usually they are dainty.”

“Perhaps he or she considers that normal but what does that make us?”

“Abnormal? No, surper-normal.”

“Well then my super-normal friend. Do you want to go fishing this weekend?”

“No, not just yet. I heard them talking about fishing too. I’m afraid this is going to stick with me for a while. You know I don’t think it would have been so weird if he was a dainty fellow that looked or sounded like a woman.”

“I know what you mean. I’ve seen the documentaries where they say the clothes make them more comfy.” Stokes added.

"I wish it was acceptable for guys to wear miniskirts. For those manly times like mowing the grass or changing the oil in your car. Have you ever tried on some of Marsha’s panties?”

“I will try to miss the bone when I shoot you but I can’t promise anything.”

928

2011-03-20T14:00:00.002-05:00

The Porsche 928. My spell check allowed the previous sentence. Why? Because that says it all.

The Porsche 928 (pronounced poor-sha) was the car I loved as a teen. The 911 was and continues to be Porsche's bread and butter but the 928 was the flagship of the fleet. Manufactured from 1978 through 1995 was one of just a few models with a front engine layout. During its reign the 928 was considered a supercar, although a modern family car would surely give it a run.

Visually I find the 928 appealing to this day. The shape and curves of the car are unlike anything else. When I would see one on the road I turn to admire the beautifully curved rear, just as you would an attractive woman. I have never been too concerned with how the car drives, as I can't admire its beauty while sitting inside. While I don't understand my wife wanting the fabric of the curtains to somehow match the sofa, I do understand that a black 928 should have some proper black rims. Maybe it should be flat black, like a SR-71 Blackbird, the aeronautical equivalent of the 928.

Occasionally I search the web for used ones. My wife will not allow a money pit so I search and dream without telling her. I did tell her of one I found in California for $500, it ran but the windows had been left down for over a year. That would not bother me, it bothered her.

There's one sitting in a yard in Midland City. I stopped by to look at it from the road. Joyfully it was already black. There was a dent in the door. I didn't approve of the rims. The grass and weeds underneath indicated it hadn't been moved in several months. I saw an old man in the yard. I got out and asked if it was for sale. His response, "You can't afford it." I asked again, agitated. He grumbled "It was appraised for $12,000, you got $12,000?" I threw my hands up in disgust and drove away. It might have been worth $12k at one point, the weeds underneath knocked a minimum of $3000 off in my mind. Obviously the old man has no idea what the car is worth. I have seen 928's from $15k-$25k that were in immaculate condition.

The old jackleg might not be so cranky if he kept the car in the back yard. I am sure a lot of people stop to ask. In the mean time the value continues to go down. In several more years I expect an estate sale, where the children will try to sell the car. I imagine they will still say "It was appraised for $12,000."

I might drive by and check on the car every once and a while. Just to let it know that someone appreciates it and someone would love it, given the chance.

Bama Belles

2010-11-15T17:13:00.004-06:00

“Ack!” Stokes exclaimed.

“Boss, Boss, what is it?” Keppy asked.

“What the heck did you just send me?” Stokes said pointing at his computer monitor.

“Oh, that’s a commercial for the new Bama Belles show.”

“I can see that but why did you send it to me?”

“Just a reminder in case you want to watch it,” Keppy said apologetically as he noticed Stokes releasing the snap on his holster.

“Is it some kind of cooking and cleaning the house show?” Stokes asked.

“Naw boss, these women do all kinds of things.”

“Well who is that man riding the motorcycle?”

“I don’t know him, must be their accountant.”

“Are you going to watch this?” Stokes asked.

“I sure am, Amie is kind of cute.”

BLAM

“Ow, why did you shoot me?” Keppy pleaded.

“Because you’re stupid. It’s just a flesh wound; you’ll be fine in a couple of days.”

“I know, but…”

“But nothing. Look at that one woman, is she getting sassy?”

“I like women with a little sass.”

“Shouldn’t this be on the Bravo channel?”

“Well in the bio it says one of them chews tobacco.”

“Good point, but still I am trying to understand why this is happening. I thought TLC was The Learning Channel. Is this reverse psychology? How not to act.”

“I’m hoping one episode will have them all in bikinis out by the pool. Amie calls over her studly pool boy, played by me, to rub suntan lotion…”

“Stop right there. You know I stagger my bullets, hardball, hollow point, hardball, hollow point, etc. The next one is going to hurt.”

Martin asks...

2010-10-11T11:19:00.001-05:00

I respect Martin for challenging ones intelligence. He asked on a forum: Let’s think about the persuasion of postmodernity in the presence of conflicting world views in SE Alabama. I’ve studied the philosophical views of Alasdair MacIntyre for over 20 years. A quote from his book “After Virtue” may be helpful. “My argument was thus to the effect that emotivism informs a great deal of contemporary moral utterance and practice and more specifically that the central characters of modern society – in the special sense which I assigned to the word character- embody such emotivist modes in their behavior . These characters, It will be recalled, are the aesthete, the therapist and the manager, the bureaucratic expert. The historical discussion of those developments which made the victories of emotivism possible has now reveled something else about these specifically modern characters, namely the extent to which they trade and cannot escape trading in moral fiction. But how far does the range of moral fiction extend beyond those of rights and utility? And who is going to be deceived by them?” (After Virtue, page 73)

My answer:

The challenge to your conceit lies in the first sentence with the persuasion of post-modernity in this region. Please give an example. The successful socio-political landscape, to me, is cultivated by the strictest of traditionalists, never sowing a seed of disharmony among the majority. This region is steeped in tradition with the aesthete character being most likely to influence/emotivate popular opinion contrary to modernist views. Sadly, the aesthete overpowers the intellectual, not even listed as a character. Why? Power of persuasion, views contrary to popular opinion, and something that surely has been studied by now but I will call ease of information. I was discussing with Mitchell (son) the other night the multitude of information available, but it’s quantity over quality.

As far as the moral fiction affecting rights and utility, I see the fiction as presented by the therapist (modern day bloggers), post-internet, as a major concern. Information is consumed and reprocessed, without validation or fact from bloggers at a rate unseen before, influencing the masses with more traditionalist views, giving post-modernity little grasp on which to succeed.

Late Night Whim Style appearance.

2010-08-19T12:34:00.001-05:00

Here is my serious appearance on Late Night Whim Style. I hope to be a more regular guest, maybe adding some kind of Paul Harvey commentary. I know, I really need to do something more stylish with my hair.

Tommy on Late Night Whim Style

Cat Food

2010-08-18T16:14:00.003-05:00

So I took my wife to see Salt for her birthday date last night. Walmart afterward for cat food. Wait in the car honey, I can make it to the back of the store quickly. Walking into the foyer the greeter greets me, but he is holding some kind of weapon. It is a price gun! Block, block, punch, twist his arm, disarm him, price gun blow to the back of his head. He is out, keep moving, price gun thrown in trash recepticle.

As I walk by the little stand set up for sampling some new flavor of Triscuit crackers I recognize the hair-netted lady passing out the samples. She’s a Russian spy! Sir, vould you like to try zees new Treeescit? As I reach for a sample she throws the tray’s contents in my face. Gaaah! Triscuit in my eyes! I’m blind! Luckily Russian spies are notorious for their cheap perfume. The overwhelming stench of her Enjolie perfume makes her easy to track. She tries hitting me with the tray, I punch block it. It shatters. I feel for a piece of the tray on the floor and relieve her carotid artery of its pressure. One less Rusky, on to the cat food.

I walk by a squabbling family of North Koreans, I don’t know if they recognized me. The mom reaches into her purse and brings out an AK-47, yep, I’ve been made. Luckily the front site hung on the shoulder strap which bought me valuable seconds during which I forcefully placed the dad’s head inside a casaba melon from the produce department. Daughter thrown into the freezer section, next to the frozen peas. The mom finally got the AK out of her purse and released a hailstorm of lead. I dove for the men’s department and hid in the Troy University apparel thinking the clothing was mostly uninspiring, and it was, she lost me.

I made my way through the children’s section by way of belly crawl until I came across a pair of high heels. I looked up to see Evelyn Salt, who looks a lot like Angelina Jolie. She picked me up and kissed me, then stood back and laughed like a crazy woman. After a moment she had a worried look on her face, then she coughed and started foaming at the mouth. CIA issued chapstick is pretty much worthless for chapped lips but works wonders reversing lipstick based poison. I moved on.

I finally reached the cat food isle, just in time for a barrage of machine gun fire. I dove for the Wiskas Perfectly Fish, the one with the Tuna Entrée. He is such a spoiled cat.

Kevin Presley Returns

2010-08-12T12:59:00.003-05:00

“Helen, it’s ten o’clock. Put down those crocheting needles and come watch the news,” Martha said.

“I’m coming, I’m coming. Ooh I’m so excited Kevin Presley is back with WDHN News 18, where Dothan’s First,” Helen said.

“Me too. Sit down, I poured you some buttermilk with cornbread.”

“I would like to dip Kevin Presley in some buttermilk.”

“Helen! I swanee.”

“Oh Martha you think he’s handsome too.”

“Hush up now, it’s coming on.” Martha said.

Good evening and thank your for tuning to WDHN News, I’m Kevin Presley. Dothan police are investigating a stolen…

“What in the Hades is this?” Helen asked.

“What happened to his hair?” Martha asked. “It looks brown now, used to be black.”

“It was black. Something else is different. It could be the sideburns or he is trimming his hair too close on the sides.”

“Makes his head look too skinny. Do you think his wife is feeding him enough?”

“Well, sister, he could come over here and I would keep him fed.” Helen said, holding back a coy smile.

“Helen, you’re terrible. Hey, you dated Ken Curtis before he shipped off for the D-Day invasion. Give him a call and find out what’s going on with KP’s hair.”

Helen called WDHN and asked for Ken Curtis. After a few moments he picked up the phone.

"Ken…guess who…no, not that young bitty Jenna…it’s Helen Russo…fine and you…oh Ken I know you are…what….well I haven’t in a long time…I supposed I could just for you tiger…Oh Ken, you man you…say Ken, let me ask you a question…what happened to Kevin’s hair…what…no need to get testy Ken…no, I…Ken…Ken. Martha I think he hung up on me.” Helen said.

“He was always jealous of your boyfriends,” Martha added.

“Some people never change,” Helen pondered, “but some do.” She closed her eyes and focused on Kevin Presley’s voice. She imagined him with longer, blacker hair, his sideburns full and neatly styled, he was shirtless and riding a horse as he spoke of the local news, his chest hair flowing with a gentle summer breeze.

Late Night Whim Style

2010-07-30T13:27:00.006-05:00

Gaga

2010-07-19T12:57:00.003-05:00

“Damnit son, you almost got me that time. What’s on your mind, cause I know it ain’t giggin frogs.” Randy asked of his best friend Jim.

“Sorry bout that Randy. Eileen thinks I have gone off the deep end.” Jim said.

“Uh oh, what happened?”

“Well last night we saw that there Lady Gaga on TV and I made a comment that she was lookin good.”

“And what did she throw at you?” Randy asked.

“Nothin, she just looked at me like I was crazy and said she was a nasty Madonner wannabe.” Jim said.

“Whoa right there son. There is only one Madonner.”

“I heard that.” Jim said in agreement.

“Madonner’s arms is lookin too skinny though. She needs a big ole plate of purple hull peas and mustard greens with a hamhock.”

“And some fried pork chops.”

“Amen to that brother.”

“You thinkin what I’m thinkin?”

“Madonner in that Vogue video?”

“With the shirt you could see through?”

“Yep.”

“I heard that.”

Slocomb Pizza

2010-06-27T09:50:00.002-05:00

When you think of Slocomb what comes to mind? That's right, you think of Italy. Last night I made some Slocomb Pizza and I wanted to share the recipe with you. Walmart has some really soft pre-sliced Italian loafs. On top of that I added some Rondele spread. Then a layer of deli ham.

Followed that with a thin sliced Slocomb Tomato. Topped it all off with some various shredded cheese we had, Mozzarella, Parmesan and Romano.

Broiled them on high for a few minutes and below is the finished Slocomb Pizza. I topped it off with salt and pepper. Dipped them in a bowl of extra virgin olive oil and balsamic vinegar. You have to let the pizza sit in that mix for a few seconds before the balsamic gets to the bread. Once it does it is very good.

Consolidation of Dothan City Schools

2010-04-07T10:48:00.003-05:00

Officials with the Board of Education are excited about a new rung on the social ladder resulting from the consolidation of Dothan High School and Northview High School. I spoke with Sam Nichols and several parents.

“Blue Necks is my choice,” Superintendent Sam Nichols said in reference to the new class of student expected to attend the consolidated high school. “Dothan has a rich history of high class citizens which stretches back, shoot, some 90 years. We hope that by integrating the Northview blue blood students with the inner city youth of Dothan High we will finally achieve parity amongst the children.”

Some parents of Northview students are worried that the consolidation will lead to a thinning of the bloodlines.

“Suppose my darling Bethanny dates a boy with a commoners name, such as James or Tim. Oh it breaks my heart. I have been priming her to marry that Winston boy from Spann Farm since she was three.” An anonymous woman said.

Several parents of Dothan High students expressed optimism toward the consolidation.

“My boy Tim says he can charge 30 bucks for a dime bag, and those Northview students will pay it. Can you imagine 30 bucks for a little bag of Mexican dirt weed? That’s insane.” One unnamed parent said.

“I am hoping my daughter is in a class with that Cranston boy,” Roy Burns added. “His father has some primo hunting land. I mean, that’s what it’s all about, right. I would return the favor too. We take my truck up to Talladega twice a year, line the bed with plastic and fill it up with water. It makes a hot tub, get it? I run a hose from the exhaust into the hot tub and it makes bubbles. Pretty cool huh?”

“I heard that.” This reporter added.

WDHN Weather Woman Vicki Graf is now Southern

2010-01-27T11:34:00.002-06:00

A team of scientists and doctors from Southeast Alabama Medical Center announced this morning that they have successfully converted WDHN’s weather woman Vicki Graf to a southerner.

Lead scientist, Doctor Otto Rinjinsonjinson, was all smiles as he presented the new Vicki Graf at a press conference this morning. “I would like to introduce to you our newest southern belle, Vicki Graf,” Dr. Otto said, adding, “As most of you know, Vicki was immune to customary methods of southernization, such as consuming mass quantities of Miller Lite and smoking Kool cigarettes. We were required to perform a stem cell transplant.”

“Hey y’all. It’s gone rain Fridee.” Vicki added.

“Hoooeee, now she sounds as good as she looks, shore nuff.” Reporter Jim Cook said.

“Shut your trap Jim, Doctor, where did you find stem cells strong enough and in such quantities?”

“That’s a good question. Our researchers combed the jungles of the Florida Panhandle for the perfect specimen, and we found him, none other that the infamous Red Holland. Our researchers found him on what appeared to be a hot bed of crappie. He was disarmed of his cane pole and brought back for the procedure.”

“Doctor Otto, the procedure appears to be successful for Vicki, but how is Red?”

“To soon to tell, we scooped out a lot of his stem cells. After the procedure he awoke screaming “Haw! Haw!””

“But didn’t he do that before?”

“Yes he did, we are hoping he will be an inexhaustible supply of southern stem cells.”

“Now that you are southern, what’s the first thing you want to do Vicki?”

“Ahm own go to Drifter’s”

“Sorry Doll, but they is closed.” Jim Cook said.

“Sheeeeuuuut!”

“Aha” Doctor Otto exclaimed. “Yankees normally say that word in point 2 milliseconds, it must have taken her a good three seconds to say it.”

“Vicki, tell us the first word you uttered after the procedure.”

“Camaro.”

“It’s a miracle, congratulations Doctor!”

The Salvation of Billy Wayne Carter

2010-01-26T09:43:00.002-06:00

Please help support another local writer, M. David Hornbuckle. I say local because he is from Dothan but now lives in NYC. His book is The Salvation of Billy Wayne Carter. Here is a link to his book. Wishing success to you Hornbuckle. http://billywaynecarter.com/

Jennifer and Brad

2010-01-25T17:47:00.001-06:00

Jennifer was doing the birthday dance in her birthday suit when suddenly the doorbell rang. She threw on a silky negligee from Victoria's Secret in Wiregrass Commons Mall and answered the door. She was surprised to find Brad Pitt, the actor standing in her doorway, but she kept her cool. "Can I help you?"

"So sorry to bother you ma'am but I have run out of gas and was wondering if I could use your phone?"

"Certainly, come in. I'm Jennifer"

"My name is Brad Pitt, I'm an actor."

"Oh really."

"Yes, I'm shooting a movie up at the school."

"Oh, you must be exhausted, would you like some sweet tea, Brad?"

"Yes ma'am."

She opened the refrigerator and bent over as far as she could, frantically searching the crisper drawer for her pitcher of sweet tea. He could see the pitcher sitting on the top shelf, but allowed her to continue her search as he was enjoying the view. "Oh silly me," she said. "Here it is on the top shelf."

She held a glass up to refrigerator's ice dispenser, as she pressed the button it made an awful churning sound but no ice came out. "Here, let me help you," Brad Pitt said. He wrapped his hand around hers and pushed the glass against the ice dispensing button. "You have to be patient, sometimes it takes a gentle hand, other times a firm hand, but if you continue to press the button, the ice will come."

She stared into his eyes as he was concentrating on the glass, massaging it ever so gently against the button. Soon, the ice flowed, taking her by surprise. She poured the sweet tea into his glass. "Here, let me sweeten that up for you." Jennifer said as she licked her index finger ferociously swished it in his tea glass. Brad Pitt smiled, taking the glass of tea. He drank it in several long gulps, his eyes fixed on hers. "Aahh." he said as he finished, catching his breath.

She raised an eyebrow, impressed with his thirst for something southern and sweet.

And The Egret Cawed on Amazon

2010-01-18T15:34:00.003-06:00

Finally my book is available on Amazon.com click here for the book

http://www.amazon.com/Egret-Cawed-Thomas-Gilbert/dp/0557183421/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1263850275&sr=8-1

Community Service Announcement

2010-01-04T16:59:00.001-06:00

Doris Hackenby, the Regional Director of Leisure Arts, Services and Suits has requested a truce between the major fighting factions downtown. Specifically Ms. Doris, as she is so lovingly referred, said she would have “no more of the shenanigans” that occurred Saturday night at the Cultural Arts Center. “Apparently, there was a scheduling conflict in one of our classrooms. The Latin Ballroom Dance class was scheduled at the same time as the Watercolors: Discovering Your Inner Butterfly class, in the same room no less.” Ms. Doris said, adding, “Watercolor artists are known for their quick tempers and itchy trigger fingers. Of course the dancers proclaiming how fabulous they are compared to other art mediums didn’t help matters. There was a heated exchange of words that led out to the street, even the pitiable scrapbookers got involved. Luckily the police arrived just in time or I would be cleaning a mess a pastel and glitter today.”

Ken Curtis Facts

2009-12-23T11:21:00.002-06:00

When Rickey Stokes wants news he asks Ken Curtis.

Ken Curtis advised John Williams to “go blonde”.

Ken Curtis is the reason WDHN gets the best looking anchor-women.

Ken Curtis begat Larry Brock.

Does Ken Curtis sound like he is mocking someone when he speaks? It’s WTVY.

If Ken Curtis and Rickey Stokes ever fought it would be like matter versus anti-matter, and we all better pray that doesn’t happen.

Ken Curtis, Ann Varnum, you figure it out.

Ken Curtis taught Charlie Platt how to fish.

If Ken Curtis says it is an illegal slot machine, then by God, it is an illegal slot machine.

The book is ready to order

2009-11-16T21:14:00.009-06:00

And The Egret Cawed is ready to order, just in time for Christmas.

Here is the link to Lulu.com to order the book for just $9.74

http://www.lulu.com/content/paperback-book/and-the-egret-cawed/7869133

And The Egret Cawed

2009-11-09T16:38:00.003-06:00

The book is finished and ready for ordering. I have preordered the first copy but it should also be available to you.

http://www.lulu.com/content/paperback-book/and-the-egret-cawed/7869133

WiregrassLive Mobile Estates...Chapter 1

2009-06-18T17:17:00.004-05:00

PinkCamo, a longtime resident of the WiregrassLive Mobile Estates, could usually walk her dogs without concern for other residents or pets. Annie, the blind poodle, required a leash due to her demeanor around other animals. Eve, the Bloodhound, inspired more trust. Most residents of WiregrassLive Mobile Estates gave Pink a wide berth. Aggression was commonplace when she was walking the dogs; the poodle was known to attack too.

It started as a normal walk, but as she rounded the corner she halted as a DebbieT, the newest resident to WiregrassLive Mobile Estates, approached with two Great Danes, Michael and Lucifer. All four dogs immediately started barking. Both women were trying to restrain the dogs while screaming at each other.

Pink was first, “Got Dammit, I told you not to come near me with a dog!” her Kool cigarette wiggling between her lips.

“You didn’t tell me sheeet, beetch!” DebbieT spat in retort.

“Every-Got-Dam-body knows not to come near my dog!” PinkCamo exclaimed.

“Well Hells Bells, now I know!” DebbieT shouted as she was pulling her dogs away, adding, “Bitch” in a lower tone as she rounded the corner.

PinkCamo switched her can of cold Miller Lite to her leash hand as she proceeded to slap Annie’s head until she stopped barking. “Shut-Up! I almost spilled my beer because of you!” She drug Annie back to her trailer, Eve happily following behind. She threw the door open, escorted the dogs in and slammed it shut. Exhausted, she sat on her dog hair covered sofa, took a long drink, then an even longer drag on the Kool cigarette, sexily blew the smoke from her flaring nostrils and asked no one in particular “Who the hell was that?”

At approximately the same time DebbieT reached the remedial comfort of her new home. She popped open a Seagram’s wine cooler and lit a Kool cigarette herself. Overwhelmed, by everything happening in her life, the tears came. She sobbed out loud “Who in the hell was that?”

Want some Southern Hospitatilty, visit The BBQ Shack

2009-06-05T10:39:00.004-05:00

This morning I checked my Google Analytics account. In the past week I have had visitors from 12 different countries. They are: USA, Canada, United Kingdom, Pakistan, Italy, Slovenia, Australia, Singapore, Turkey, Japan, South Africa and Russia. I want to thank you all for visiting and I hope you enjoy the site.

I want to tell all of you to come to the Dothan Alabama area to visit the BBQ Shack at the corner of Fortner and Brannon Stand Roads. I have been amazed by the generosity from the sweet owners Jackson and Rhonda, who have provided us with plenty of food during my mother in law's death.

We are members of a local community website called WiregrassLive.com. We barely know each other away from the site. I have only seen them a handful of times. But if you are from anywhere in the world and want to know what southern hospitality is all about, visit them. I am sure Rhonda and Jackson would take the time to get to know you and feed you.

I have to stop for a second. We never really asked for anything, they just kept bringing food and hugs. It means so much with a death in the family.

Okay, I am back now. Get choked up still. I lied, we did ask for something. Another banana pudding. But they would not allow us to pay for it.

The banana pudding is excellent and I also got to try the strawberry shortcake for the first time, also very very good.

I need to wrap this up, too many things to do. If you want some good Bar-B-Que and southern hospitality, visit the BBQ Shack.

The Morning After

2009-05-15T08:36:00.002-05:00

He opened his eyes and stretched his whole body across the bed. The smell of coffee was in the air. He looked over and saw a steaming mug on the nightstand. He smiled; she was so good to him. He sat up in bed and grabbed the cup of coffee, inhaled its rich aroma and took a sip. It was still warm. He looked over at her sitting at the desk briskly typing on the computer keyboard.

“Good morning” she said, without looking up.

“Good morning to you” he replied with a smile.

After a few more pecks at the keyboard and a couple of clicks with the mouse, she stood from the desk and walked over to the bed. She was wearing the short satin robe he had purchased from Joyce’s Touch of Class. No special occasion, just because he loved her. He watched her every move. The robe hung low off her left shoulder, exposing her soft, supple skin. She noticed and gave a demure smile.

“Thanks for last night” he said.

“Oh, thank you” she said, sliding into bed with him. She snuggled up beside him and laid her head on his shoulder. “I was just answering a few congratulatory emails. Were you feeling vigorous last night?”

“I’ll admit I was feeling great,” he answered.

“I’m very proud of you, Mister Mayor,” she said while running her hand across his massive chest. She traced her fingertips lightly around the outline of his pectoral muscles, over to his arm, where she squeezed his hard bicep, breathing deep the musk of masculinity.

“Thanks baby. I am ready to start today. I slept so well for being so excited. First thing to do is work on the taxes. That is going to completely change Dothan for years to come. Why should our residents pay a sales tax where other states do not? We ARE going to stimulate this economy. I love Dothan.”

“Have I ever told you how important you are to the democratic process?” She asked.

“Hmmm, let me think about that for a moment…only everyday.” He answered.

She giggled, “Oh stop it. Who else in this town listens to their constituents like you do? No one else uses their own lunchtime as a forum for the citizens. No one else has the ideas like yours for reducing taxes. While others are mired in the status quo, you have the wherewithal to make Dothan a better place for the people. Yesterday, sixty seven percent of this city’s voters decided they want a man with a vision.”

“Making Dothan Better For The People” he said sternly, reiterating his campaign slogan.

She looked up at him. He ran his fingers through her hair and gently held her face as he kissed her. “I love you Debra,” he said.

“I love you too, Keith.”

Thanks Aerial Angels

2009-04-28T21:12:00.003-05:00

You gave me the best moment of the weekend of the Father Daughter dance with my granddaughter Shyanne. Shy’s dad could not make it to the dance, so I was standing in, I am ToppaTom. I was supposed to be Poppa Tom, but Toppa was what she said when she was little and I like it. I never had children, I got Shy as a granddaughter when I married Kay (Grandmommie).

Saturday afternoon Grandmommie got her all dressed up for the dance. Shy looked like Cinderella. Then we went out for our night at the ball. I told Grandmommie I would try not to cry. She ran and danced with her friends all night, but found time for a couple of slow dances with me. We had the best time.

Sunday afternoon we went to Inman Park in Atlanta for the Street Festival. We sat on the grass in the park for the Aerial Angels show. Spike, Flame and Mimi put on a great show and Shy loved it. She kept talking about Spike.

Later in the day Shy wanted to go back to the park to climb on the playground equipment. We stopped by the Aerial Angels and talked to Flame while they were taking a break. As we made our way to the playground I stopped and asked Shy if she wanted a picture. Yes she did. I got a picture of Shy and Spike flexing their muscles. I thanked Spike and we started walking to the playground. Shy squeezed my hand and stopped. She said “Thanks ToppaTom”, and I said “You are so welcome”. She surprised me. I had no idea the time with Spike was so special.

That was the one moment from the whole weekend that will really stick with me. Shy saw that girls could grow up to be strong and do anything they want. I helped her get a little time and picture with someone she looked up to.

A few days later I still think about what she said, “Thanks ToppaTom”, and how much that meant to her. That is one of those little memories that was just for the two of us. It makes me want to cry thinking that I was part of that special moment with her. Years from now everyone will remember the dance. I think that Shy and I will be the only ones who remember the time she had her picture made with Spike and how much it meant to the cutest little girl in the world.

Musical Chairs

2008-11-20T11:44:00.001-06:00

All hell broke loose at Hooters Restaurant in Dothan this Friday. A not so friendly game of musical chairs turned ugly quickly. Whimlady and Chig were all set to begin their game when a large blue Toyota pickup crashed through the front door. RehobethRebel jumped out of the truck brandishing a large King James Version of the Holy Bible and began calling everyone sinners. A Hooters waitress attempted to ask RehobethRebel to leave, but he knocked her up side the head with the bible. He was jumped by several other Hooters waitresses.

In the confusion Whimlady tried to reach the musical chair by kicking Chig in the groin. She screamed in agony. Chig reached into his wrestling trunks, although wrestling trunks were not mandatory, he just thought they made his butt look good, and pulled out an extra large cowbell. Chig slammed the cowbell on Whim’s head and began beating on it with a drum stick.

Guest referee Dishwater was overcome with laughter by all of the events. When his back was turned, the other guest referee CCDollar stole a handful of his chicken wings and began nibbling on them. Dishwater caught the thievery out of the corner of his eye, turned and kicked CCDollar in the groin. This made CCDollar spew the contents of his mouth in Dishwater’s face, blinding him. Dishwater felt for a bottle of wing sauce on the bar and squirted it at CCDollar. CCDollar pulled a waitress in front of him to block the sauce, which covered her heaving bosom. She turned and kicked CCDollar in the groin.

Csolo ran to the waitress and attempted to clean her by wiping a chicken wing through her cleavage and sucking the sauce from the wing. She smiled at Csolo and he had another heart attack.

Suddenly a shot rang out. Everyone turned to see Sheriff Quilla with a gun. She announced that she was locking the place down and told everyone to behave. WiregrassLive members are no longer allowed at Hooters Restaurant.

How To Build A Sofa Table

2008-09-15T12:52:00.005-05:00

With a few simple tools you can build your own dining room table or sofa table. Below are pictures of a sofa table I built last week. The same method applies to making a large farm table, but with extra cross members in the frame. All of this can be built with only a skill/circular saw and a hammer and nails. I have a table saw and miter saw, which make cutting straight lines very easy.

First thing to do is figure what size you want your table to be and if it needs to be an exact width. I recently made three farm tables 3’ x 8’. However the three top boards were 1x12, which means they are actually ¾” x 11-1/2”, my table was actually 34-1/2” wide instead of 36”. Not a problem for my client. Also, the legs for this table were 2x4. For large tables I use 4x4s tapered down.

For the table pictured the boards I started with were 1x12, but I only wanted the sofa table to be 16” wide so I ripped the boards down to 8” wide and used the remaining 3.5” as the frame. The lumber used for this project was:

2 – 1x8 @ 48”

2 – 1x4 @ 44”

3 – 1x4 @ 10-1/2”

4 – 2x4 @ 29” tapered down to 2x3

With my table top at 16” x 48” I figured the frame to be 2” smaller all around. I cut the boards to length and prepared to assemble them. I was using a hammer and #10 x 3” nails for this project. You should always predrill nail holes to prevent the wood from splitting.

I nailed the frame together then placed the top boards on the frame measuring 2” all around. Then I nailed the top boards in place. Afterward, I flipped it upside down on my worktable and nailed the legs on.

Our client wanted an antiqued rough looking table so I beat on the boards with a hammer and garden tool then scraped it with an awl.

The frame and legs were painted with a green latex paint. After the paint dried overnight, the painted areas were lightly sanded to remove some of the paint, but not all of it. Then the entire table was hand wiped with stain. The stain gives the painted areas an antiqued look and helps bring out the wood underneath. The table can be finished off with a clear coat of hand rubbed polyurethane or Orange Oil.

As you can see from the pictures this was all made on a little table in my back yard. It was started late one afternoon and finished quickly the next morning.

Nursing the Baby

2008-08-18T16:08:00.001-05:00

We had empty nest syndrome but did not know it until Mitchell’s friend adopted a kitten for us. I came home from work to find Kit and Renee talking to Kay, a little gray fluffy kitten bounding around the house. It didn’t take long to come up with a name, Mr. Hedley, his head and ears seemed so large for his little body.

The next day he was sneezing and sleeping a lot. Kay took him to the vet, we found out he was very sick. Dr. McCoy gave Hedley antibiotics and prescribed lots of bed rest. His short life had been tough so far. He was part of a litter left in a box outside the pound where all of his siblings died. Hedley was then neutered too early in life, poor thing. We gave him goat’s milk and wet cat food. He spent the next few days curled up on Kay’s chest sleeping. She held him and loved him, hoping he would be okay. After a week his fever broke and he seemed to be feeling much better. During his illness he lost his voice and it never came back as strong as it was.

Hedley’s body finally grew to match the size of his head and now he is a rambunctious teenager. As I look at my hand it is covered with small scratches. We play and wrestle a lot. My hand and foot bear the scars from his attacks. Kay doesn’t allow him to bite her and he knows it. While he is in full attack mode, both paws wrapped around my fist while biting and kicking with his back legs, she puts her hand in his face and he only smells her. I return my hand, full attack mode once again. At times he will stand on his hind legs and attack my calf, other times flipping on his back so his hands and feet a free to wrap around my foot, it tickles more than anything.

His favorite thing is a napkin or paper towel rolled into a ball. From a dead sleep he will wake to the sound of a paper towel wadding to be thrown. His favorite activity is fetching the napkin. While we sit in bed watching TV we throw the napkin; he dives off the bed and brings it back to us, over and over. After he tires, he lies against my legs and falls asleep. Sometimes we wake up with him between us fully laid out on his back. He loves to be near us.

Now when Kay is sick it is his turn to take care of her. He knows something is wrong with her and cuddles up close to keep her warm. The only time he lays on or against her is when she is in bed sick. He is laying with her today, taking care of her, sipping her water when she isn’t looking, gently touching her with his little paw as if to say “There, there, do you have a fever and chills, I will lay here and take care of you now. Thank you for loving me.”

Wilson House Bed and Breakfast

2008-08-13T12:13:00.002-05:00

On your next visit to Pinckard, stop by The Wilson House Bed & Breakfast. Located on Highway 134, in the heart of downtown Pinckard, this quaint singlewide mobile home provides the finest of country living amenities.

Ronald and Lurleen Wilson welcomed me to their home upon handing over $50 for one night’s stay. I parked my car beside the Oldsmobile Cutlass Supreme on blocks in the front yard, which doubles as a doghouse. I immediately felt welcomed by the dogs when they proceeded to urinate on my tires. One of the younger dogs, I believe his name was Z71, really laid out the welcome mat by humping my leg. Ronald hollered out that Z71 shouldn’t take long and to come on in when he was finished. There, There, good boy.

A quick tour of the mobile home gave me a good idea of the sense of history the Wilson’s treasure. The den area was decorated with Confederate and University of Alabama regalia. Ronald is well versed in the history of the Confederate States and rich history of his beloved Crimson Tide. My bedroom was decorated with John Deere tractor logos. The bed was firm, but soft in places and I swear the thread count on the sheets was in the 200 range

After a light snack of Miller High Life and boiled peanuts I joined Ronald in the small, but comfortable pool. Lurleen mowed the grass while Ronald extolled his love of the Crimson Tide football team. Several Miller High Lifes later I was fully educated on the greatest coach in history, the number of national championships and expectations of future championships from the Alabama football team.

Lurleen finished the mowing and joined us in the pool. There was barely room for the three of us so Ronald excused himself saying he would take a nap. I think he drank several Miller High Life beers before I arrived. Lurleen asked if I would apply baby oil to her back to help her tan. Her skin was very dark and appeared to be a loose fitting leather jumper, but I did as she asked. Her leathery skin and raspy voice from years of cigarettes appealed to some primal yearnings in my midsection. That might be the beer talking. I engaged her in conversation about things to do while staying in Pinckard. She told me the two choices were going to MP Surplus or going to the store. Maybe later we could go to Midland City to see the Shrimp Man for supper.

As night fell we tired of being in the pool, Lurleen took me around to the back porch area. There she opened a box with a few cigarettes. She offered one, telling me it is a clove cigarette and really gives an appetite. I figured: When in Pinckard. We shared the one cigarette and she told me to quickly get dressed. A sports coat and slacks should suffice for a Saturday evening dinner. I started to feel very light headed, probably the cigarette and beer. I dressed as quickly as possible and met Lurleen in the den.

By this time the beer, whatever kind of cigarette and lack of food was taking its toll. My head was spinning. I stumbled into the den hoping to find Lurleen and Ronald and hopefully some food. Maybe I was a little tipsy, but gone was the leather, tanned woman with the figure of Barney Rubble. Lurleen was the most beautiful woman I had ever seen. High heels, red spandex pants, a silky cowgirl blouse cut down to there and lots of blue eye shadow to compliment her stringy red hair. She was an angel.

Ronald was still asleep so it was just the two of us. Ever the gentleman, I held out my arm, she took it and we strolled out to the car. She drove to dinner in their truck. I didn’t mind, I was laid back enjoying the country air.

Somewhere along the way I must have passed out. When I woke we were parked on the edge of a cornfield. Lurleen was pulling me out of the truck and taking off my clothes. My head was really spinning and I had no control over this lovely woman. As we stood there looking at each other I saw something move in the corn behind her. I began to wonder what kind of cigarette she had given me when I saw a woman coming out of the corn riding a horse. The woman on the horse started screaming at us. I think Lurleen knew the woman as they were yelling all kinds of profanities concerning each other’s families.

I don’t think Lady Godiva and Lurleen were friends because the woman drew a pistol and pointed it at us. I tried to explain our situation, but a shot was fired in our direction. My love for Lurleen vanished as I turned and ran screaming naked through the cornfield. Shortly behind me I could hear the horse following and the occasional gunshot. At the end of the cornfield I scrambled a fence and began running through an open field of cattle. I turned back to see Lady Godiva and the horse jump the fence, following me.

Her next shot missed me, but spooked the cows. I didn’t care where I was going as long as it was away from Lady Godiva. I was hoping the cattle knew the quickest route to the highway. And they did. I could see the streetlights. Only a fence separated us from civilization. I bounded the fence, along with several cows, and of course of course, horse lady. Shouldn’t she be out of bullets by now?

Our running bovine parade went through downtown Pinckard where I saw the Wilson’s mobile home. I dove behind an azalea bush and watched the parade pass. After a few minutes I caught my breath, then Lurleen drove up. After she went inside I checked the truck and thankfully my clothes were in there. I dressed, grabbed my keys and said a silent goodbye to my overnight bag and the Wilsons.

This place was too crazy. I am heading into Dothan to stay someplace safe, like The Heart of Dothan Motel.

Violence at the Dothan Cultural Arts Center

2008-07-28T16:24:00.003-05:00

Doris Hackenby, the Regional Director of Leisure Arts, Services and Suits has requested a truce between the major fighting factions downtown. Specifically Ms. Doris, as she is so lovingly referred, said she would have “no more of the shenanigans” that occurred Saturday night at the Cultural Arts Center.

“Apparently, there was a scheduling conflict in one of our classrooms. The Latin Ballroom Dance class was scheduled at the same time as the Watercolors: Discovering Your Inner Butterfly class, in the same room no less.” Ms. Doris said, adding, “Watercolor artists are known for their quick tempers and itchy trigger fingers. Of course the dancers proclaiming how fabulous they are compared to other art mediums didn’t help matters. There was a heated exchange of words that led out to the street, even the pitiable scrapbookers got involved. Luckily the police arrived just in time or I would be cleaning a mess of pastel and glitter today.”

Possible Caveman Found in Dothan

2008-07-23T09:08:00.002-05:00

Scientists from the Dunbarton Institute discovered what they believe to be Dothan’s earliest man. Dr. Richard McSweeney confirmed the discovery of a possible prehistoric man at the intersection of Denton Road and Westgate Parkway. “A male subject was found in the area. We have our best scientists, some of whom make almost $17 per hour, working to determine the actual age of this prehistoric man.” Dr. McSweeney stated, adding, “The man, whom we refer to a Darryl due to ancient markings on his clothing, is in a well preserved state.

“We believe Darryl was a shaman or guide of some sort. In his possession was a metal staff approximately 1.2 meters long with an octagonal placard affixed. The placard reads STOP on one side and the other has SLO, but the last letter is too hard to read. As I speak to you, scientists from the Library are trying to decipher the message. My colleagues speculate he is part of a lost tribe of road builders. Apparently they spent decades in that specific area, who knows if the project was ever complete.”

Archaeologist Alabama Jones and the Copper Peanut

2008-07-21T09:01:00.001-05:00

Deep in the jungles of Houston County, archeologist Dr. Alabama Jones approached the ancient Chattahoochee Indian mound. His sherpa, obviously paralyzed with fear froze in his tracks and would go no further.

Sherpas are guides, famous for their knowledge of the Himalayas. Dr. Jones had lost his way while searching for the ancient Indian mound when he happened upon this Sherpa trekking through the jungle. He offered the sherpa fifty American dollars to help him find the lost Chattahoochee Indian mound. The Sherpa seemed confused at first, but shrugged his shoulders and led Dr. Jones through the thick kudzu jungle.

The sherpa stopped and pointed to the mound. “What’s the matter,” Dr. Jones asked, “Are you frozen with fear?”

“No, dude, it’s right there, now give me that fifty bucks.” The sherpa responded.

“What kind of sherpa are you?” Dr. Jones asked.

“Yo, I ain’t no sherpa. I work at Arby’s. I was just out here hiking when I found you. Why didn’t you just go to the main entrance? It’s a state park you know.”

“I was using this ancient map from the Archeology Department at Wallace College. It leads the way to the Copper Peanut.”

“Dude, ever heard of Mapquest? Wait, what’s that about a Copper Peanut?”

Dr. Jones pulled off his fedora and wiped the sweat from his brow, he finally found a youngster interested in history. He told the story to the young sherpa. “Long before you were born, there was a secret society called The Downtown Group. No one knows what they did behind closed doors, but there were rumors of wine and cheese tasting, along with other debauchery. This secret sect tried to change Dothan into what they called “A better place”. No matter how much the general public ignored them, they never went away. Their gatherings culminated in placing decorated fiberglass peanut statues around Dothan. The peanut statue at this site is rumored to have copper peanuts inside.”

“Whoa, dude, how big is this peanut?” The sherpa asked.

“Four feet tall.”

“Those peanuts must weigh a lot. Copper is going for $2.75 a pound.”

“No!” Dr. Jones said adamantly, “It belongs in a museum.”

Suddenly Dr. Jones heard voices coming from the mound area. He ducked down into a thicket of kudzu. The sherpa stood looking at him. Dr. Jones reached up and pulled him down. The sherpa tried to complain, “Yo man you better get back.”

“Listen to me sherpa. We have to be very careful. They are possibly Chattahoochee Indians, the last remaining members of the tribe, here to protect the treasure. Note their unkempt hair and tattered clothes.” Dr. Jones insisted.

“Naw man I think they’re skateboarders. Look, they are moving to the other side of the mound.”

“Now’s our chance! Let’s go! And pull your pants up.” Dr. Jones exclaimed.

Dr. Jones and the sherpa made their way through the clearing to finally reach the Indian mound. “Look old dude, there it is, over by those trees.”

“Proceed with caution young man, it could be booby trapped.” Dr. Jones warned.

“I see a giant peanut in a bed of rocks, surrounded by a two foot high rope. It looks safe to me dude.”

“There could be fire ants or boll weevils. Stand back!” With a sharp crack, Dr. Jones secured his bullwhip to a tree limb and swung across the rope barricade. The limb broke, sending him hurling into the peanut, knocking it off its base and Dr. Jones on his back. “Oh…I…can’t…breathe.”

The sherpa stopped laughing long enough to say, “Look old man, you cracked it. There ain’t no copper peanuts in here. There’s nothing of value.”

Dr. Jones slowly rolled over to inspect the contents of the peanut. It was a time capsule, filled with items from Dothan’s past. “That’s where you’re wrong kid, I see nothing but treasure. It is filled historical objects, little snapshots of a time when progressive groups of people tried to rejuvenate the downtown Dothan area.

“Most individual business owners followed the major flow of traffic while ignoring little things like character in architecture. These small businesses found themselves squeezed between corporate anchor stores, paying the same price per square foot. Most of them didn’t make it.

“Entrepreneurs wanted to chance success in an area previously developed as opposed to out on the highway in some bland cookie cutter strip mall. Property owners in the downtown area ignored pleas from excited new business owners hoping to restore old buildings into a thriving socio-economic area. Their legacy as property owners could have been so much more. Instead of allowing the buildings fall into decay, they could have restored the brick and mortar that had stood for so long, reviving the soul of a lost town.

“Look at this advertiser, proudly locating business in downtown Dothan, Featured Players Theater, The Bistro, Tags Unlimited, Blue Moon Café and The Foster Street Coffee House, now it reads like an obituary. Once uniquely decorated peanuts now stand as tombstones to a business owner’s worst nightmare. They took a chance on Dothan, but Dothan didn’t take a chance on them.”

Bacardi Silver Mojito

2008-07-02T11:44:00.001-05:00

“Roy, I bought you some of those drinks you wanted.”

“Thanks babe” Roy said as he cracked open a Bacardi Silver Mojito. “These are so cool and refreshing on a hot day.”

“I know, you have told me several times.” Linda quipped.

“I can’t help it. I love these fruity things.”

“What would your buddies think about you drinking girly drinks? They might say you were gay.”

“I can drink whiskey straight from the bottle and any beer from light to stout, but I will never drink enough to have DickieDoo like those guys.” Roy added.

“What is DickieDoo?” Linda asked.

“That is from drinking so much your stomach sticks out more than your…”

“I get it, you fool.”

“I’m a fool for you. Come here baby.”

Roy pulled her close and kissed her hard. Linda tasted the Bacardi Silver Mojito on his lips, but more than that she tasted the passion from a man, a real man, who loved her like no one else had. She wrapped her arms around him, gripping his tight back muscles. His hands moved about her body, one hand exploring the curves of her hips, the other hand holding her head close to his. Her knees weakened and her body was flush with passion. Her senses tingled with the touch of his hands on her body. Firm grips in some places and light caresses in others. They held each other close. Their movements became a dance of rhythmic lust with sweet melodies of love. The music for their dance was the sound of kisses, moans and the gentle “I Love You” spoken whenever their eyes met. Several times she sang her own song.

After the exhausting dance, his arm around her with her head on his chest, she smiled thinking back to when they first met. She always wanted to dance with John Travolta; he was a sexy man who knew his way around a dance floor. Roy could not dance, even with Linda leading he was lost on the dance floor. But their private dance was getting better all the time. She made a quick mental note to pick up more Bacardi Silver Mojito, because he is man enough to drink anything he wants. She closed her eyes, her hand moved softly over his body until she drifted to sleep.

You need to read The Shack by William P. Young

2008-05-27T12:03:00.004-05:00

I don't care for fire and brimstone preachers. That is a major turn off for me with some churches. A friend recommended The Shack and told me a little about it. It sounded interesting so I picked it up. What an amazing book. If you are not a very religious person, check it out. It is not preachy, but it is about God's love. You will be amazed by this book. If your preacher/pastor tells you not to read it, ignore them and think for yourself. Leave a comment if you do read it.

Baddest of the Wiregrass - Round 1

2008-05-19T14:41:00.001-05:00

Baddest of the Wiregrass: Round 1
Toyota Commercial Kids VS Do It Billy Girl

All of these kids can test your nerves. Do It Billy Girl is the cutest of the bunch but has the ability to become “Hey Howard, What ya doin’ up there?” King’s Appliance annoying in the future. Will the Toyota Commercial Kids play by the rules and tag out legally?

The Toyota Kids are being booed by the crowd probably due to this contest being 3 on 1. As Do It Billy Girl enters the ring, cuddling a cute Cabbage Patch Doll, the crowd lets out a collective “Aaawww”. She is cute.

Hoping to end this quickly, the Toyota Kids send in the biggest girl. As she approaches, Do It Billy Girl points out to the ref that the boy is standing on the ring ropes, an illegal position. As the ref is going to make the boy get down, Do It Billy Girl asks the older girl if she likes her doll. The older girl puts her hands on her hips and rolls her eyes saying something about being too old for dolls. With the ref distracted, Do It Billy Girl whacks the older girl up side the head with the obviously loaded Cabbage Patch Doll saying “Tell Hannah Montana hello”, the older girl is out cold and the crowd erupts. Do It Billy Girl tosses the doll out of the ring, it hits the floor with a loud “Clank”, as the ref comes back to the action she holds her hands out to show she is unarmed.

Toyota boy is next in the ring and he immediately tries his patented “Lower Daddy” arm move/punch. No one knows how lethal it is, but it will knock $1000 off the MSRP of any model Toyota. He misses, he misses again. Do It Billy Girl grabs the arm and twists it behind his back. He screams in pain, “Uncle, Uncle”, she ignores his pleas and pops the arm out of its socket. The crowd is going crazy, no one expected this much action in the first round.

The smallest of the Toyota girls seems a little apprehensive about getting in the ring. Do It Billy Girls drags her in and bends Toyota girl over her knee. What is she doing? Oh, she is spanking the little Toyota girl, saying, “I’m the cutest, I’m the cutest”, Toyota girl has had enough and she taps out.

Round 1 Winner – Do It Billy Girl

Baddest Of The Wiregrass: The Competitors

2008-05-15T16:00:00.004-05:00

Are you ready for the Baddest of the Wiregrass competition? I have assembled sixteen of the most well known people in the Wiregrass area for a wrestling competition to be held at the Houston County Farm Center. The winner will be crowned Baddest of the Wiregrass. Some of our contestants are constantly competing against each other on a daily basis in the fields of news reporting, commercials and city government. The contestants are:

Rickey Stokes
Len White
Kevin Presley
Jenna Zibton
Reginald Jones
Angie Casey
Mayor Pat Thomas
City Manager Mike West
Mike Schmitz
Toyota Commercial Kids
Do It Billy Girl
Jim Cook
Phil Paramore
Red Holland
Charlie Platt
Harrie Anne Smith

Please feel free to leave comments about your favorites

Accident at Rickey Stokes News

2008-05-15T13:04:00.001-05:00

Rumors have been floating around downtown Dothan the last few days concerning the automobile accident at A Advantage Bonding or Headquarters for Rickey Stokes News.

A Volkswagen Jetta fitting the description of the one that crashed into Stokes’ office was, until recently, seen up on blocks in front of Mark Culver’s mobile home. Culver denied knowledge of ever having the car, but the day after the car was reported missing by one of his neighbors a Mobile Attic storage unit appeared at Culver’s trailer court residence. Neighbors reported seeing Culver remove large quantities of Busch beer and Redman chewing tobacco from the storage unit.

City Attorney Len White took an unexpected vacation on the day of the accident. Witnesses at the scene of the accident reported hearing the driver of the Jetta jump out and proclaim, “Hoooeeeee, I got you Stokes!” before running away. Len White was recently overheard at the infamous Ray’s Restaurant Fish Fry exclaiming, “Hoooeeeee, them’s some good catfish!”

John Keppy is putting his keen detectiving skills to use trying to find out how to piece this puzzle together. So far he has ascertained that controlled explosions were not responsible for the collapse of the front of the building, as previously reported. The car did cause the damage.

Stokes is currently in Myanmar flying aid to cyclone victims with his personal helicopter.

All of this is currently speculation until Keppy or Larry McKee can get more facts.

1000 Virgins

2008-05-06T08:16:00.003-05:00

I missed the Short Story Writing Group at the library last night. The topic was 1000 and this is what I came up with at lunch yesterday.

“…And with the completion of your mission you will be rewarded with 1000 virgins in heaven.” The radical Muslim recruiter finished his explanation of how the new recruits would martyr themselves. The recruiter noticed a raised hand. “Yes, my brother, what is your name and question?”

“My name is Randy and I was wondering about the 1000 virgins part.”

“Yes, it is one of the more popular benefits of Islam, as is our 401k program.” The recruiter added.

“Well who came up with the idea of 1000 virgins, I mean come on, what are you supposed to do with 1000 virgins?” Randy asked.

A few giggles came from the room full of recruits. The recruiter held up his hands to quiet the crowd. “Whatever you want.” the recruiter said getting a rowdy response from the room full of men. “They will be yours for eternity.”

Randy shouted above the noisy room full of men, “What if I don’t want 1000 virgins?” The room fell silent for a few seconds.

Behind him someone said, “What if you are gay?” The room broke out in laughter.

The recruiter waited for the men to settle down then said “Raise your hand if you like virgins.” Everyone in the room, except Randy raised a hand.

Randy waited for the hands to fall then raised his hand high and said, “Raise your hand if you have ever been with a virgin.” Out of the thirty men in the room, two others raised their hands. “I thought so,” Randy quipped. “Did you enjoy it?”

One of the young men stood and tersely announced “No, I did not enjoy it, I was too scared to know what I was doing, it was all very uncomfortable for both of us.”

“Exactly”, Randy said “Virgins are terribly overrated, can I swap my 1000 virgins for one, no make that two Pamela Andersons, circa that movie she did, what was it called?”

The same young Muslim jumped to his feet with his hand held high, “Barbwire, the movie you speak of was called Barbwire, Ms. Pamela Anderson was in the swing with the black dress, AH-LOO, LOO, LOO, LOO!” Several other men began shouting LOO, LOO, LOO, LOO while firing AK47 rifles into the roof of the meeting hall.

Randy stepped over to the recruiter and said, “Let’s talk about a dental plan.”

Fishing Buddies

2008-04-09T15:02:00.002-05:00

Randy sat at the bow of his boat watching his rods intently. He had something to share with his best friend Jim, who was sitting at the stern, also fishing. Jim could tell something was on Randy’s mind as he was being suddenly very quiet.

“I’ve got to tell you something” Randy broke the silence.

“Oh my God, he is going to tell me he is gay,” Jim thought to himself, adding, “What is it?”

Randy took a deep breath and told Jim his secret, “I’m not gay or nothing, but I like watching Dancing With The Stars. I can’t help it. Roberta knows and she doesn’t think it is a big deal, but I just never had the courage to say it to you.”

“Okay”, Jim said, “You’re telling me this because…”

“I am telling you because I am angry. Last night Adam Carolla was voted off. I don’t care that Adam Carolla was voted off, but that means we will not see his dancing partner Julianne Hough, the second finest woman on the show, again this season. She is beautiful and she can move. Of course the finest woman is Edyta Sliwinska. She’s the one to watch. Her hip movement is hypnotic. Every time she dances I only watch her lower body. She is one sexy woman.”

“You’re crazy.” Jim said solemnly.

“No I am not!” Randy was excited now. “These women, the outfits they wear, the way they move. I can’t talk. I am glued to the screen.”

“You are crazy, you fool! Julianne is the best-looking babe on the show, Edyta is the sexiest. There is a big difference and if that idiot Adam Carolla wouldn’t lead with his heel and keep his shoulders up then we would still have Julianne. Aarrgh, why oh why did we have to lose Julianne?”

“You idiot, why didn’t you tell me you watch that show? Did you worry I might think you were gay?” Randy quipped.

“Maybe we are gay because I know more about ballroom dancing than I should, thanks to Carrie Ann, Lynn and Bruno. I tell you this, if watching Julianne on Dancing With The Stars is wrong, I don’t want to be right.” Jim joked, but with serious undertones.

Randy said, “I heard that.”

WDHN's Jenna Zibton Wrestling Vacation

2008-04-08T09:52:00.004-05:00

Jenna Zibton is absent from WDHN News 18 at 5, 6 and 10 this week while she chases a lifelong dream of becoming a masked female wrestler. Jenna is in Guadalupe, Mexico training with such wrestling legends as Fabulous Fran, Nervous Nancy and Big Bertha. Jenna abandoned her previous lifelong dreams of learning to crochet lingerie and becoming a contestant on So You Think You Can Dance. We did get a couple of pictures of Jenna training.

Here she is taking a face kick from someone named Nikki.

Here we see Nervous Nancy applying the dreaded Ovarian Pinch to Jenna.

Good luck to Jenna!

Correspondence

2008-03-27T09:37:00.002-05:00

Good Day Mrs. Not Concerned

My name is the good Reverend Klench Michiques and I am coming to you from Nigeria, Mnumbuku Province. Our Church of the Holy Gnu wishes to participate in the givings to Mr. Not Concerned and family. Mr. Concerned is a most gracious friend to our Church. We have on many times accepted his hospitality. On this day now I wish to refund his hospitality in making a gift to him in US dollars. However, recently in past days I now know why I cannot reach him at his work emails. I am so sorry for his discomfort at the hands of the renegade Mr. Stokes causing his knees to be most broken from the Lewybill Sluggar. The members of the Church of the Holy Gnu wish to make penance upon Mr. Concerned in the amount of US $5000.00. However as you see we cannot reach him and wish to make surprise for him. Please, can you send me his contact information, social security numbers and direct deposit routing numbers to his chequing accounts.

Many Blessings upon you Mrs. Concerned
Reverend Klench Michiques

Dear Reverend Michiques,
Mr. Notconcerned is slowly healing at the Southeast Alabama Medical Center. Not only did Stokes break his kneecaps, but he also broke several fingers, making it hard to type. I know he appreciates your emails and the pictures you sent from the village. He wanted me to ask how the Lamisil is working for young Tutukana.

Can you help us out by sending a rabid baboon to the offices of Mr. Stokes, preferably with a “Krispy Kreme Donuts Inside” label attached. I am sure it would bring joy to his heart and lift his spirits.

Sincerely
Mrs. Notconcerned

Dear Mrs. Not Concerned
My heart is sad to hear of Mr. Concerneds hands. The Church of the Holy Gnu will commence special services with the sacrifice of kinukach. Most assuredly this will cause his great relief and allow him to send the information requested of Social Security numbers and bank routing numbers. We are most urgent to get this information as our church has now raised US $9000 in the helping of good health toward Mr. Concerneds.

Alas there is a baboon shortage in my village. I can send to you a how to make baboon stew that will surely lift his spirits and nourish his wounds. Have you baboons in your village for making of the stew?

Good wishes
Reverend Klench Michiques

Shocking News Concerning Greg Dee

2008-03-18T12:22:00.001-05:00

Shocking News Concerning Greg Dee
3/18/08

Local residents say they were shocked to learn that WDHN Meteorologist Greg Dee has only recently received his Seal of Approval from the American Meteorological Society.

Thelma Purdue, of Webb, led an angry mob to the WDHN studios this morning, demanding satisfaction. “We want to know what kind of scam Greg Dee has been pulling and for how long?” Purdue demanded. “Has our weather been accurate or what?”

The mob was kept out of the building by the imposing figure of non other than Ken Curtis. With Ken Curtis watching the crowd Greg Dee came out to soothe them.

“Your weather is accurate and reliable.” Greg Dee said, adding, “It always has been. I was just certified by the AMS.”

From the crowd came a shout, “Oh yeah, is it partly cloudy or partly sunny?”

Ken Curtis made a move for the crowd, “Who said that?”

Greg Dee placed a hand on Ken Curtis’ arm. “No Ken Curtis, now is not the time for violence. Let me speak to them.” Greg Dee opened his arms to the crowd and spoke, “Good people of Webb, the weather is not black and white. It is a combination of fronts and systems sometimes too complex for categorizing with a simple partly this or 30 percent chance of that. Actually, just now, as I study this area, I find we are in an Adiabatic Process, which is in essence a thermodynamic change of state in a system in which there is no transfer of heat or mass across the boundaries of the system. In this process, compression will result in a warming…wait, where are you going? I am Greg Dee, hear my forecast”

Ken Curtis stopped him, “It’s too late kid. They started leaving ten minutes ago.”

Kevin Presley Wins Best Sideburns

2008-03-17T10:38:00.001-05:00

The National Broadcasters Association recently awarded WDHN news anchor Kevin Presley for having “Best Sideburns”. Presley said he was honored by the award and hopes his sideburns bring prosperity to the Wiregrass area.

“Thank you NBA and thank you Wiregrass”, Presley said, in reference to the award. “As far as I know, no one in the Dothan area has ever been bestowed this high honor. John Williams got Best Hair in 1984 and 1985, but nothing compares to Best Sideburns. I worked hard for these sideburns, my stylist and burns were recently featured on the cover of Men’s Health magazine. Yesterday morning Wendell Stepp informed me that the City of Dothan is commissioning a mural of my sideburns to go on the WTVY building, pretty sweet deal.”

Co-anchor Jenna Zibton nominated Presley for the highly coveted award. “My girlfriends are so jealous that I get to sit next to Kevin and deliver the news everyday.” Zibton said, adding “Greg Dee is our super intelligent meet…meteor…weatherman and Kim Allen is your basic muscle man jock, but Kevin Presley, is like Burt Reynolds without the mustache.”

General Manager Janie Hinson stated “Occasionally a small market station like WDHN will find truly great anchor like Kevin. Since John Williams retired, the Dothan area has been lacking a real man to deliver the nightly news. We are the most watched news program among 18 to 65 year old women in the Wiregrass. I think there is a good reason for that, those sideburns are a trusted news source.”

Study Finds Redneck Women Attracted To Big Loud Pickup Trucks

2008-03-17T10:36:00.003-05:00

Study Finds Redneck Women Attracted To Big Loud Pickup Trucks
2/19/08

A recent study by the National Association of Women finds that redneck women are three times more likely to be attracted to a man driving a truck with large mud tires and loud mufflers. Dr. Janice Goodall stated several of her colleagues were surprised at the results of the study. “As times change, so do people,” Dr. Goodall said, “previously we thought two of the main indicators which attracted redneck women were worn ring in the back pocket of a man’s pants caused by a can of Skoal and sleeveless t-shirts imprinted with a Confederate flag.”

Brain activity was monitored while test subjects were shown flash cards of various automobiles. Whereas an image of a late model family car in good condition showed little to no brain activity, the image of a slightly rusted 1996 Chevy Z71 with Super Swamper tires produced the highest results.

The study also measured estrogen output when exposed to certain sounds. Dr. Goodall was surprised with the results adding, “As an educated woman I find the sound of George Clooney reading the Magna Carta somewhat of an aphrodisiac. Rednecks were extremely turned on by the sound of Flowmaster exhaust systems. If you are not familiar, it sounds somewhat like an automobile without a muffler. Very loud and totally devoid of benefit to the mechanical operation of the vehicle.”

Slocomb Annexed By Mexico

2008-03-17T10:35:00.001-05:00

Slocomb Annexed By Mexico
2/13/08

Mexican President Felipe Calderone announced the annexation of the town of Slocomb Wednesday. Slocomb Mayor Vicki Moore welcomed the annexation as a sign of coming prosperity.

Mayor Moore said “It was the best thing for our community. We have more illegal immigrant tomato pickers than citizens born and raised in our area. President Calderone was kind enough to let us keep the name Slocomb for the town, he was going to rename it El Tomate. Our only regret is that all future Tomato Queens must be of Mexican descent.”

Mexican officials said the dilapidated downtown area feels very “homey” to them. The buildings remind them of most any Mexican shantytown well south of the border. Regional Planning Director, Javier Lopez said the task of bringing the Slocomb area up to Mexican standards should not take too long. “We are almost there, we will replace trailers with pueblos” Lopez said, adding “I must get a new truck that sounds of no muffler, Gringo’s new trucks do that, you must drive a truck many years in Mexico for the same sound.”

Local resident, Bubba Jenkins felt melancholy over the annexation. Jenkins said, “I ain’t learnin to speak no Mexican, I tell you that right now, but a siesta everyday, I heard that.”

Local Woman Hospitalized Over Lack Of Grey’s Anatomy

2008-03-17T10:34:00.001-05:00

Local Woman Hospitalized Over Lack Of Grey’s Anatomy
2/18/08

Headland resident Tammy Holland was hospitalized yesterday, in serious condition, from what doctors speculate is a lack of new episodes of Grey’s Anatomy. Ms. Holland was found in her home babbling “McDreamy…McDreamy…McDreamy”. Upon arrival at Southeast Alabama Medical Center she was upgraded to stable condition.

Dr. Sam Jacobson attributed her improvement to seeing a bunch of doctors involved with tomfoolery. “The familiarity of white lab coats immediately soothed Ms. Holland,” Dr. Jacobson said adding, “The Hollywood writer’s strike has affected people in our community. We don’t have anyone here who looks like Patrick Dempsey, but she did tell me I have romantic eyes. We started her on a small dose of season two’s DVD box set, and have seen major improvements.”

Local Man Gets A “Bitchin” Mullet

2008-03-17T10:33:00.005-05:00

Local Man Gets A “Bitchin” Mullet
2/26/08
Derrick Johnson is truly happy with his latest haircut, a mullet. “It’s a bitchin mullet”, Johnson said, “I ain’t believin how good it looks. I done went to the southside Walmart and had to wait forty-five minutes fer a haircut, but it was worth it. All business in the front and a party going on out back. Now I am gonna detail my Camaro and cruise the mall.”

Local Man Volunteers To Massage Teachers At Rehobeth Schools

2008-03-17T10:33:00.003-05:00

Local Man Volunteers To Massage Teachers At Rehobeth Schools
2/20/08

Upon hearing students are no longer allowed to massage female teachers at Rehobeth schools, Jimmy Tucker volunteered his services. Tucker, often referred to as the “Weirdo”, said he would be happy to give female teachers an occasional massage. “When I heard the students weren’t supposed to do that anymore, I thought this is my best chance to get close to a woman”, Tucker said. “I ain’t never been married, maybe I can find me a wife at the school. Heck, I would even massage a gym teacher.”

Rehobeth school officials could not be reached for comment.

Local Church Theft, Satan Suspected

2008-03-17T10:32:00.002-05:00

Local Church Theft, Satan Suspected
2/21/08

The air conditioning unit from New Mt. Zion Holiness Church was stolen Wednesday night, Pastor Joe Barnes blames Satan. “He is responsible for all of the unrighteousness in the world,” Pastor Barnes said. “He is the root of all evil, condemned to hell by the graces of our heavenly father. You find him, and you will find our air conditioner.”

Houston County Sheriff’s Deputies believe the thief will probably sell the copper in the air conditioner to a recycling center. Deputies have contacted several recyclers in the area in hopes of catching Satan. Satan is described as being 6 feet tall, weighing 200 pounds, red skin, horns on the forehead, a long whip like tail and may possibly be carrying a pitchfork. If you encounter someone matching this description please contact Crimestoppers at 793-7000.

WDHN News Anchor Kevin Presley Facts

2008-03-17T10:30:00.001-05:00

Kevin Presley doesn’t flub his lines like Jenna Zibton.

Kevin Presley laughs at his co-anchor off camera

Kevin Presley has perfect Hair

Kevin Presley can bench press a Honda Civic

Last name Presley, probably father to Elvis

Kevin Presley was previously a wrestler named “Alabama Slamma”, from parts unknown

Kevin Presley could easily handle the WTVY news at the same time, just doesn’t like CBS

Kevin Presley once fought Chuck Norris to a draw

Kevin Presley has killer sideburns

Most people work at the mall for a side job, Kevin Presley preaches the word of God

Kevin Presley, unlike Greg Dee, knows the difference between partly cloudy and partly sunny

Kevin Presley taught Ken Curtis how to be cool

We will get the I10 connector when Kevin Presley is damn well ready for it

John Williams retired because he heard Kevin Presley was coming to town

Only Kevin Presley could make the Wiregrass news interesting

Hurricane Katrina was actually Kevin Presley blow drying his hair

Kevin Presley’s fists are considered weapons of mass destruction

If Kevin Presley worked for Rickey Stokes News all of the words would be spelled correctly

Kevin Presley humbly declined having Country Crossing named Kevin Presleyland

67% of Wiregrass women miss the news due to fainting after seeing Kevin Presley’s handsome face

I10 Connector Finalized

2008-03-17T10:29:00.001-05:00

I10 Connector Finalized, ALDOT Director Hopes “Everyone Will Just Shut Up About This”
2/16/08

Alabama Department of Transportation Director Bill Frisk finalized the plans for the Interstate 10 connector for the Dothan area this morning. Frisk posted the following comments for all news outlets, refusing any additional comment.

From The Desk of William “Bill” Frisk, ALDOT Director
“Governor Riley is tired of hearing about this I10 connector thing and so am I. He told me to come up with something just so everyone will shut up about this. So here is the plan. Say goodbye to Dothan, it will be razed. We are going to run six lanes of interstate from Montgomery all the way through what used to be Dothan, down to Interstate 10 at Marianna. We got tired of hearing everybody bitch about it, so there you go. The Governor said he wanted to keep a few landmarks so we will spare the Cowboys and probably Applebees. Everything else will be gone. The city of Donalsonville, Georgia wants has asked for “as much scrap lumber as they can get” from the demolishing of Dothan. I think they want to build a new school or something.”

Gay Community Split Over Jeff Gordon’s Hairstyle

2008-03-17T10:28:00.001-05:00

Gay Community Split Over Jeff Gordon’s Hairstyle
2/14/08

Nascar Racing Champion Jeff Gordon may have lost a few fans after his latest visit to Great Clips. Gordon was the most popular driver among gay fans, until he changed his hairstyle.

Chase Billingsly, Chairman of the Dothan Club “Gays Love Jeff” said his organization is in turmoil over Gordon’s latest decision. “Our little club is really divided right now”, Billingsly said, “Some like him with short hair, others like me, love his longer, flowing sexy locks. How can you resist that man jumping around after a victory covered in Pepsi? I wear his cologne everyday, it has a hint of motor oil, you know?”

Club member Cleveland Pattison is happy Gordon switched back to shorter hair. “Give me Jeff Gordon with short hair, a little beard stubble, his driving suit open for his chest hair to show, then throw in the smell of burning rubber and I am in Heaven! Have mercy!” Pattison exclaimed.

Jeff Gordon could not be reached for comment.

Air Force Test - Fun Game - What Is Your Best Time

2008-03-04T09:48:00.004-06:00

Someone sent me this game. The Air Force Test, is very simple. Move the red block without hitting a blue block or the retaining walls. I bet you play more than once. Click here to take the Air Force Test. http://members.iinet.net.au/~pontipak/redsquare.html

Remove Your Baseball Cap In Restaurants

2008-01-29T15:58:00.002-06:00

Real men don’t wear baseball caps in a restaurant. It is time to grow up little one. A baseball cap is fine for bad hair days or even playing baseball, but not when you are sitting in a restaurant eating. Most males these days have short haircuts, which seem to negate the need for even wearing a baseball cap.

My hair is a not short and looks rough when I wake up and lounge around the house on the weekends. I throw on a baseball cap to keep from looking like a bum. I also wear one on hot days to absorb sweat while working in the yard. If we happen to eat out on a day I have hat hair I always remove the cap in the restaurant.

In the first half of the 20th century fedora style hats were in fashion and most men wore them. If these men ever ventured indoors or were in the presence of a lady they promptly removed their hat. It was a sign of good manners, respect and class.
So remove those hats at the appropriate times and people notice that you are a classy fellow.

Best Video of 2007 - Five Seconds I Could Watch Everyday - Dramatic Chipmunk

2008-01-10T15:13:00.002-06:00

Do you have the chops for acting? Most people think it is easy, anyone can do it. If it is so easy why do we see television and film actors who are not very good. Less is more in the acting business. Sometimes I can really feel what an actor is trying to convey, even with little or no dialogue. I watched a terrible movie last night with Sarah Michelle Gellar. She could have taken some lessons from this video. The ability to act, you have it or you don't. This unnamed actor is overflowing with it.

http://www.shoutfile.com/v/2Wb6jW3g/Dramatic_Chipmunk

Christmas Crafts Coffee Table

2007-12-11T19:14:00.001-06:00

Christmas Crafts Coffee Table

As Christmas draws nearer you might find you need a few gifts and you really do not know what to buy. Try making something. Crafting is easy and fun, you can also make some money on the side.

One of our most popular items is the window coffee table. We have made several of these from parts found on the side of the road. Except for the paint, all of the materials were free. Drive around on a Sunday afternoon to see what items people have put at the road for trash pickup. These are free so take whatever you may need. You are saving your local landfill by doing this. For the coffee table we used an old window, some short table legs and a few pieces of baseboard or crown molding(which I will call trim). Measure the window and cut the trim to fit around the window and form a skirt. Glue and nail these into place with the window top down. We use small brad nails. Then attach the legs to the inside of the trim with more glue and nails. Flip it over and you have a unique coffee table. Apply a couple of coats of paint so that all of the pieces match and you are finished.

You can go a step further and decorate the panes to create a shadow box. One table we did had sand and seashells on the panes. Another had pictures of our granddaughter. If you do something extra like this simply cut a piece of acrylic or plexiglass to fit the top, or you could have a piece of glass cut to fit. Sorry, but I could not find a picture of this one, email me for more details.

We found an excellent air compressor and brad nail gun combo kit at The Home Depot for $80. It has a small 1 gallon compressor and a 1-1/4” nail/staple gun. That is a great price.

Christmas Crafts Hall Tree

2007-12-11T15:13:00.001-06:00

As Christmas draws nearer you might find you need a few gifts and you really do not know what to buy. Try making something. Crafting is easy and fun, you can also make some money on the side.

Another craft we like to make and sell at the antique mall is a hall tree. A hall tree is a piece of furniture that usually sits inside your front door with multiple storage areas. Here are some of the features that a hall tree might have. A seat with storage underneath, shelves, coat and hat hooks, drawers, mirror and a place for umbrellas.

Here is how we made the simple hall tree pictured. We found an old door, which was unusually narrow, but looked great. I left the knob in place for an added decorative look. I cut two pieces of stained wood to make the shelves. I screwed the shelves in from the back side of the door. Then I miter cut some crown molding to trim the shelves and attached them with glue and the nail gun. Then I supported the shelves with two old table legs and added feet for the bottom shelf. After that we painted everything except the shelves black and added some coat hooks. A framed mirror or piece of art would look nice hanging in the center. This was a very quick and easy project. Painting took the most time. I would suggest having someone help hold the parts in place for attachment. We sold this at the antique mall for $100. Not bad for something easy and fun to make.

We found an excellent air compressor and brad nail gun combo kit at The Home Depot for $80. It has a small 1 gallon compressor and a 1-1/4” nail/staple gun. That is a great price.

Raschal was the Sweetest Dog

2007-11-14T12:14:00.001-06:00

When I got married, I got the whole package, instant wife, two boys, a granddaughter, a dog and two cats. This is the story of the dog, Raschal.

My wife Kay and son Mitchell moved into my house in the small town of Headland, Alabama. Raschal was an eight-year-old mix breed at the time and she spent most of her days relaxing on the front porch. She was a very happy dog, loved people and was a pleasure to be with. She was very talkative, never barked, she would make whimpering noises as if she is talking, like a high pitched hmmm, hmmm, hmmmm. Always friendly toward people, she walked up to them with her head down and tail wagging. She had one little problem, thunderstorms. She did not like the thunder and had to be inside, right beside anyone who would listen, telling us it was thundering. If we were not home during a thunderstorm, then the neighbors had a scratch at their door so she could tell them it was thundering.

One day my wife got a call from the local vet that Raschal was in the Piggly Wiggly grocery store. There was a thunderstorm that afternoon and the nearest safety she could find was a block away, in the Piggly Wiggly. To get out of the rain, and away from the thunder, she followed a customer into the store and made a friend in the meat department. My wife called the store and told them to escort her out. They told her they enjoyed her visit and gave her a few scraps of meat. Over the next few days she went back for more treats, the manager who must not have been working the first time Raschal went, called my wife to complain. Kay told them it was their fault for feeding her and to tell Raschal to go home. Raschal stayed close to the door of the Piggly Wiggly and promptly got herself arrested. That afternoon my wife was calling the city offices to find out where Raschal could be when a police car pulled up to our house. I went outside where Officer George opened the back door of his car to let Raschal out. He petted her a little, said she was a great dog, but we needed to keep her away from the Piggly Wiggly for a while. That night I bought a chain and stake to keep her in our front yard.

The next day before work I made sure she was chained properly and that she could reach her food and water in the garage. I came home that afternoon to find her chain tangled with a table and chair we had stored in the garage. A slight problem, but at least she did not go to the Piggly Wiggly. The next day I chained her again before work. My wife got a call that afternoon from the local florist that Raschal was dragging a table and chair down Main Street. After she was rescued from the table and chair she did not go to the Piggly Wiggly again, she must have thought it was too much trouble.

One day Kay was at home when she heard Raschal scratching at the door, making terrible whimpering sounds. Something was wrong. Kay opened the door and Raschal said something like “Hurry, come with me!” She followed Raschal around the corner to a side street to see two dogs tossing a kitten around. Kay yelled at the dogs to no effect. Then she punched the one holding the kitten in its mouth. It dropped the kitten and backed away. Our hero Raschal went over and gently picked up the kitten and brought it back to the house. Kay shooed the bad dogs away. A quick visit to the vet revealed that the kitten would probably be okay, just sore for a few days. That kitten grew up to be a good friend to Raschal. Raschal never had puppies, but she loved cats. She would lick their heads and nibble their necks.

Raschal enjoyed living in Headland. Everyday she would go out around town visiting her friends. The elderly lady who lived by the funeral home would have a biscuit with her in the mornings. We were watching the Christmas parade on a local channel one night when the announcer said “and there’s Raschal!” She was winding her way through the marching band trying to get the attention of Mitchell’s friends from school. She knew when Mitchell came home from school and was always waiting for him. When Mitchell got his car Raschal was always ready to go somewhere with him. She would climb into the car and go for the driver’s seat, although we never let her drive.

One day she did not come home. We called for her, drove around looking for her, even called the pound to see if she had been arrested again. No one had seen her. She was missing for several days. Kay was worried that something bad had happened to her. I knew someone would have called. I told Kay and Mitchell someone probably adopted her because she is such a great dog and she can’t get away from them. I told them to wait for the next thunderstorm, she will drive her new owners crazy. About a week later, the day after a storm, she showed up.

Raschal loved food. Anything we were eating she wanted. I was about to put some ribeye steaks on the grill one night. I sat them down and stepped back inside for the tongs. I came back out Raschal was sitting by the grill, a guilty look in her eyes, one of the steaks was missing. Every time I grilled burgers she knew there was an extra piece of cheese with her name on it. I have seen her devour an entire 9x13 pan of chicken almondine. He stomach was bulging, but that tail was wagging the entire time she was eating. She was so gentle about what she was eating. I have seen other dogs almost take a finger when they take a treat from your hand. Not Raschal, she was so slow and sweet, our granddaughter, Shyanne, could hand feed her anything.

She really started to slow down over the last few years. Gray hair replaced the some of the black. She preferred to be inside napping most of the time. When we first met she could jump into the back of my truck, lately she would have a hard time with a few stairs. Whenever I would come in from work, she was slow to rise, but would always come to lean against my leg. I would pet her, as she would make that whimpering sound telling me she was glad I was home.

A bang on our door woke us last Wednesday night. I thought she must have laid down against our door to sleep. When I got up, she was in the bathroom panting, not wanting to get up. I saw where she had vomited bile. I went to work while Kay took her to the vet. She had to pick Raschal up, she was too weak to walk. She left Raschal there so the vet could run some tests. Raschal could not hold her head up she was so weak. A few hours later the vet called to say it was liver cancer, her enzymes were in the 2000 range and should have been 200. There was nothing he could do for her. We wished we had gotten up to check on her that night.

We went to be with her. We waited in room number 2. The doctor brought her in. She saw us and her tail started wagging. He laid her down on the table and repeated that there is nothing to do for her. We told him we were ready. He stepped out to get the shot. Kay cried as she told Raschal how much we loved her. I rubbed her ears, it always relaxed her. Raschal made her whimpering sound again. I would like to think she was saying she loved us too, thanks for the food and I enjoyed looking out for you all these years. With all of the pain and weakness she was still able to look at us and wag her fluffy tail. The doctor came in and asked if we were ready. He gave her the shot and within a few seconds Raschal let out a sigh and eased her head down on the table.

That night Kay told me the story of a little red headed boy who had a bad first day of first grade. She asked him what would make him feel better. He said maybe another cat. She took him to the pound where a black playful little puppy came up to say hello. Mitchell said, “She’s a little rascal. Can we get her?” They became best friends and everyone who met her loved Raschal.

How to have a successful yard sale

2007-11-14T12:11:00.001-06:00

How to have a great yard sale

Having a yard sale or garage sale is a great way clean out unwanted items from your home and make extra money at the same time.

Call your local city government offices to check for ordinances affecting yard sales. Some cities will put a limit on the number of yard sales you can have each year by requiring a permit. This permit is usually free, just a way of tracking yard sale activity. Others may not allow signs to be placed on city property, street signs, power poles, etc.

Check the weather several days in advance of your yard sale. If rain is expected you may want to wait for another Saturday. If you are planning a sale in your garage or carport a mild rain should not be a major factor.

Also at this time, place your ad in the local newspaper. Does your newspaper have a website to list classifieds. A lot of yardsalers check the internet on a Friday night to list the yard sales and map them out. Try Craigslist if it is available for your area.

Do not wait until the last minute to prepare for your yard sale. A yard sale makes for a busy, but rewarding day. Start a few days before the yard sale pulling items and pricing them. Pricing is very important. It makes a yard sale easier for everyone involved. If not you will spend the entire morning quoting the same prices over and over. Customers also like the convenience of not having to ask. Your local dollar store sells small pre-printed pricing stickers or you can use a piece of masking tape. If you have a large number of similar items make a sign just for those, CD’s - $2, Pants - $1, Shirts - $.50.

Go through every room in you house. Clean them out. Ask yourself, “Am I ever going to use this” or “Will I ever wear this”? Get your kids involved. Let them keep the money they make from their sales. A yard sale is a great time for kids to set up a lemonade stand.

A bright and colorful sign with large letters is the best. Fluorescent signs attract a lot of attention. Write your information with large letters, at least 3” tall. The sign should be legible from 30 feet or ten long steps. The address is the main part of your sign. Most people know it is for a yard sale they only need to know where. Arrows are great; just make sure they point the correct way. Signs are very important. If I cannot read a sign as I am driving by, I think these people must not really want me at their yardsale.

Start your signs at a major roadway and work your way back to your house. If there is not a good place to hang your sign, check with a local sign company for inexpensive step stake signs. If you make your own signs to stick in the ground, make sure they have plenty of support to hold them up for visibility. A full piece of poster board stapled to a stake in the center will curl up or fall apart and no one will know where you are.

The day before the yard sale visit your bank to have money for making change. We get $50 of ones, $50 in fives and a roll of quarters. It is best to be prepared, as one of your first customers will probably try to buy a $1 item and hand you a $20 bill. Keep your money on you at all times and never leave it in a cash box.